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Ezis Aug 2018
I always have high expectations for summer
Not sure why I allow myself to do this every year
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to leave the school year on campus
And escape the people who make me unhappy
But then I’m let down each summer by the people who are supposed to make me happy

This summer it was a boy who told me I wasn’t a second choice but then still wanted someone else
Last summer it was the high school friends who told me it would be forever but then still had a list of complaints on me

My birthday comes around in July and I’m reminded of when I was suicidal at 14
Because everyone forgot my birthday so clearly I shouldn’t have been born.
I wanted to quietly step off a pier and die on the rocks but my brother sitting beside me kept me grounded

The summer is coming to an end now and I’m terrified for school
I don’t want any high expectations and be let down
A perpetual cycle of being excited and let down over and over
And when I see the girls who pushed me to the side I hope that do not cower in fear
A new school year is dawning and the unknown is in front of me
Ezis May 2018
This is what anxiety is like:
My stomach is in knots
My heart is beating fast but when I put my hand over my heart I can't feel it at all
I might throw up, I'm not sure
My brain can't focus on one subject, one thought
I feel like there is nothing to do nothing to say I give up
Too many thoughts and yet none at all
Tight chest and curdling stomach, which will get me first?
And this all happens... for no reason at all.
Ezis May 2018
I think that I am needy
There I said it
I don't have what everyone else has
a boy that loves them and wants them
and I think I'm needy
because I want that
I want the Pam and Jim love story
the Me before You story
the Meredith and Derek story
Is that so much to ask for?
It must be.
I say that there is someone for everyone
but when am I going to start believing it?
It seems so easy for everyone else,
to love and be loved, so quickly finding someone
but here I am chasing a boy who may not want me
and I convince myself he does
What if he doesn't?
Have I wasted my time?
When did I start measuring my worth
upon how far I have gone with a man?
And when someone else
who is much __(er) than me
gets with a guy,
I feel like there must be something really wrong with me.
When did women become each other's competition?
When did I start being so harsh to myself?
I know what I want, truly, from a man
and I think I'm needy because I have standards and expectations
I want to be desired and loved and wanted
I needy for it and I hate myself for it
  May 2018 Ezis
meekah
i want to be enough
i want to be more than enough
i want
to be every star in the sky
and i want
to be the sky
i want to feel like more
more than just one person
more
than i am
more than i’m trying to be
i don’t want to get lost
in the silence of my own mind
i don’t want to be small
and soft
and maybe-broken
i want to be enough
Ezis May 2018
Young one,

Right now, I see you and my heart breaks
My memory of this moment you are in
is not one I want to experience again.
But I'm sorry to tell you this isn't the last time you will feel this way
But it also won't feel this way forever.
This I can promise.
I promise.

Young one, I know you have been betrayed
You say there is no none,
they have all left you to abandonment
this is true, I can't tell you different because you will disagree
but I will tell you,
look around,
there are more people feeling this way, its not just you.
There may not be people in your life right now,
but that doesn't mean there won't be forever.
This I can promise.
I promise.

Young one, I have lost all my friendships many times
it hurts the same every time
But you know it when you feel it
that a new person, a better person
will come, and does come
This I can promise.
I promise.

Look up young one,
look at the sky, look at the rain
Whatever you see, feel it
Let the tears come, you can't stop them
But don't choose to stop anything else...
You will be okay
This I can promise.
I promise.
Ezis May 2018
One day
you will see me for who I am
when it all goes to ****
I will not care if I yell and scream at you
"I don't know why I ever loved you
I don't know why I ever tried,
you are not worth my love
or my time if I give you all
and you give me nothing"

These are the words I will say to you.
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