should I quote
the suicide note
that I wrote
or is you seeing me enough?

Whenever I look in the mirror,
I see Frankenstein’s Monster.
Where am I ?
Dissociated somewhere,
but hell,
even I couldn’t tell you where.

My eyes are no window to the soul
because my human vessel lost it’s soul
a long time ago
I found it,
shattered in the depths of my mind
in so many pieces,
I can never be whole again.

But is that what I want? Or
what society wants me to do?
to pass as a human,
to pass as a man.
Is that who I truly am?

So caught in the webs of preconceived
notions I’ve been fed all my life:
You are not a boy.
You will never be a real man

Well, *******!

I am untangling myself from this web,
leaving the toxicity behind,
surrounding myself with
the sunshine I deserve.

You can judge me all you want
Just know;
I am the one who is truly free.

Being here time stops for me
Everyone else is getting on with life, going to work, going on holidays..
Me, I am stuck

I am tired of conforming
I am tired of smiling
I am tired of covering up
I am tired of pretending
I am tired of fighting
I am tired of being tired
I am tired of life

the inevitable will happen
I can't take this anymore
I'm in too much pain
Just know it was a long time coming

After all the pain
I can't help but think
Is it truly worth it?

For a while I didn't notice you
Slowly strange thoughts started invading my head
At first I ignored you
But you started eating at my brain
And little by little the thoughts
You were feeding me took over
I begged you to stop
But you wouldn't listen
You just grew bigger and bigger
Making me weaker and weaker
I have fought you for years
And all I've achieved is fatigue

I wasn't raised a murderer
But thanks to you I might become one

We don’t see the carrots to be cut,
We see the sharp knife that could cut us.

We don’t see the bridge,
We see the other side of the railings.

We don’t see painkillers,
We see medication we could drown ourselves in.

We don’t see the train,
We see the tracks we could lay on.

We don’t see the nice view,
We see the cliff's edge we could jump off.