You're so mesmerizing
I couldn't ever believe that you were ever lying

I pray,
I find you.
Someday,
You'll be happy to meet me.

I haven't forgotten the words you have said to me
They rotate around my mind everyday
And they will never leave
They burned themselves deep in my subconscious always reminding me, doubting me, hitting and beating me down to the point when I don't know anymore
I don't know if I'll ever be enough for the world
And sometimes I ring those words as true, all the words you said to me ring true inside
*Never giving me piece of mind

I should never trust you again
You wear two faces
And you wear two masks
I can't tell neither from the other
I don't know when you're real or when you're fake
But most of the time you're a faker
A bluffer
And a drama maker
And I don't want those things around me
But unfortunately I'm related to that thing for the rest of my life

You know that little girl
the one that just stares at you and you can just feel it in your skin
The one you see starring at you with unblinking eyes
You wonder if it's an omen or a warning
But you just shrug it off as her being crazy
And then you feel guilty for thinking it and look away
You can still feel it her watching you
you feel yourself sweating, and her breathing down your neck
Then you go to the bathroom
looking in the mirror at yourself you see terror in your eyes
And you're thinking "she's just a little girl" and "this stuff only happens in the movies"
you calm yourself and leave the bathroom
you walk down the hall towards the front door and that little girl isn't there anymore
you sigh with relief and walk to your car
You see the girl fifteen feet from your car
she stands there and whispers something to you, you don't know what it is but it sounds like Latin
You hurry to your car and lock the door
But that doesn't protect you from the girl's stare or her next whispered words "we're coming for you,for what you did,for what you did to us."
You start your engine and leave
Breathing heavily you pull onto the highway
Hours later you get home it's dark and gloomy and the storm is heavy
You find that the power's out so you light some candles and run a bath
You sit back in the hot water as you listen to the storm
you close your eyes and think about the dog you had as a girl
You open your eyes and see the little girl that was at the funeral home leaning over you
you try to scream but she has you by the throat and pushes your head down into the water
And while your struggling against her she keeps on repeating and whispering "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. They're making me do this."
And you realize what it's for

You say things that break me a little more each time
If this keeps going you'll be part of what kills me
I never earned this life ya know
But I did deserve this pain in tow
I don't know what to think
Sometimes when you tell me things I feel calm and yet surprised
Our relationship...it's...complicated
You love me, but I can't love you back
I don't know why, cause you'd be perfect
You'd be so much better at this thing
I don't even know what to call it anymore
I can't even love anybody
I can't love anything
Maybe I thought I loved somebody at some point, but I actually didn't love anything
I could talk myself into it, convince myself that I do love you
I can do it for years and maybe, finally it would feel real
But nothing else ever felt real to be besides force
If it doesn't involve me then I don't care, but if it hurts me, I'm forced to feel it
I don't want to feel it
I've already felt enough, I already feel enough now
And I'm all out of fight
You're pretty much the only thing left My

Every time I stand in front of a mirror
I see everything on myself I hate

My face, my body, my feet, my hands, my weight

I don't even want, love, or accept myself because of my own self hatred
I can't fathom what's wrong with me
Everything is, nothing is
I can't even make my own mind up right
I can't even understand the messed up **** in this subconscious of mine
I just can't figure me out
I'm a mystery to myself, unsolved, untold, unexpectedly twisted in this void heart of mine
I'm something of a mist, you can feel it, you can see it, but you can't figure out why it's always here, you can't figure out how lost it makes you, you can't find yourself in this low cloud of anguish
The only thing in this mist is me, me trying to find the real me
*I'm all on the outside looking in
I'm still lost even within

I had a dream I wrote a poem
Man was it dope
I don't remember what I wrote
All I know it was all I could hope.

I can't just lay here like you did not break my heart to pieces
I can't let these tears stream down my face like they mean nothing
I can't let these tears be the reward you get for breaking me
I can't let you know you ever had my heart to break or that you haunt my soul with the ghost you left behind of yourself
I can't let these tears fall
Can't let the reason this blood is falling be you
I will just act like I never loved you to keep the tears in and banish your ghost away every single day

Let go
Don't worry
Fix what you can **now.

Whoever knew breaking someone else's heart hurt so bad?
I didn't
I wish I had
I would have prepared myself
And yet
I still couldn't cry, can't cry now either
Not a single tear drop shed
What does that say about me?
Is there something wrong with me?
I don't know
I never knew
I never knew how it felt to break someone else's heart
*But I never thought that breaking someone's heart would hurt me too

After taking her soul for granted you broke her completely
That is why her eyes look like that
That is why she never feels guilt, or love, or fear, or regret anymore
That is why she can't be fixed
That is why she feels pain in her heart every time it beats
And that is why she cries at night without knowing why
Her sorrow is almost too much for her to bear
But she never shows it
and at the same time she does
It's her eyes that shows it
And nothing else does
Because of you she is like this
That. Is. Why.

People don't like the smell of ****, so they get the hell away from it.

You don't know how hard I've tried
Sorry to tell you this is my time to die
I apologize, that this is my last goodbye
Please understand I need to release what's inside
My funeral isn't the time to cry
Just let your past wishes and regrets fly
I may be in a better place,
And if I am there when you one day arrive
Don't be too shy
*To just say hi

I would sooner die than cry again
Don't you understand I don't want that mortally wounding pain?
I hate crying
It's when I feel ugliest
I rue being vulnerable
It's a wonderful but tedious thing
It's got a fragility that shouldn't be broken, yet everyone has done this to the most undeserving victims of love and infatuation
I can never tell you how I'm truly feeling, I can only give you the undercover story
Telling without telling, whispering secrets without whispering
It's a wonder you still stay around
I am your caged earth
Your heart is in it
You can run away at any time
Why do you stay, My? Why?
It'll take forever to save me
Life is just a crazy delusion
Even after death, it has no conclusion

I'm anxious to feel the hugs you promise me
I'm craving all the kisses you'll give me
But most of all, I want your company
The warm, caring, and full company of your personality
No matter how annoying you think you'll be, I'm still looking forward for us to live together
There may be some fighting, and there will be
And there may be some incidents, again, there will be
But what does that matter?
I'll still be looking forward to you even when I have you
*And the Sun will have kissed your face

No one wants to see the bad, and yet that's the only thing that's shown

Blond hair and blue eyes
Smiling beautifully, and wonder, I
Love you like no other
Like another brother of mine
In heart
In soul
Both of ours seemed to crack
Causing an almost incurable pain
One of us got better
The other not
And we'll meet one day
And hug it out
We will both be happy I dream
We will both have the families that we've always dreamed
You'll marry a husband
And I'll be happy with the friends that became my new family
We'll both be happy living this life of love

In times like these I am sure of few things
And one is,
I don't even know what to say.
Every word is a price to pay.

I find happiness in need
I find want in greed
On your last limb, you leaned
Sorry for the mistakes you didn't mean
This blood never washes away clean
Cause each month there comes more, with a force so keen
It's volcanic,
I can only stare and panic
People running like they're manic
Scene's in front of me, galvanic
It'll be bigger than the sinking of the Titanic
It's too much to brace, too gigantic
Think about matters that don't matter
*Earth is on a fiery platter

The present is what keeps me here
The past doesn't have me anymore
And the future doesn't have me yet
Stop moping, moping over past regret
Just don't make those mistakes again
History is history for two reasons
To learn from it
And keep undisturbed seasons

You know,
I lose things fast.
So I'll enjoy it,
Enjoy it while it lasts.

Sometimes I wonder why it took you so long
But then I remembered you said you were slow
And the things you've been saying lately, oh they're humorlessly funny, but so **** confusing
You say one thing, then turn around and say you mean the other

But,
         I'm the fake one?

I'll mull that thought over over afternoon tea
***** will lose everything
Breath,
Breath,
*Heartbeat.

When will I ever be enough?
Do I have to starve and purge myself of everything?
Does my waist have to fit into your inches of perfection?
Does my hair have to fit into your length of shine?
Does my anything have to fit into your definition of perfect?
No. None of it does
In fact, if you don't like it it's not my fault or problem
*You don't have to look at me
And no one is making you

I met a guy by the riverside and I was in Denile
He made me laugh he even kept my smile
He made my heart thump when he touched me twice
He stole my love when he read me his favorite book
He stole my heart when he made his first real poem deticated to me, and he confessed all his feelings
Our souls slowly became attached to each other as we got to know each other
And I realized,
His soft gentleness is slowly conquering my insides
By turning my ******* into marshmellos and daisies
I'm not even sure if I agreed to this
If I even wanted this
It's confusing to know what I want, I want him, and I don't feel the same with him
He changed me
Forever he
No, forever we
Are bound together in time

People have storms that come and go
But I'm not everyone
My storm is it's own person
It promised to never leave me
And it's raining, thundering, blowing hard in my chest
Maybe even snowing too
We'll see it in the whether forcast tonight in my dreams
It always seems to hurt more at the worst time

You can only give people the power to betray you.

Kinks and coils
I love my curls
I even love my gurls
My blood stays on boil

My bones ain't noodles
So I need to cool down
And slowly take away this frown
I'm going to distract myself with words and doodles

Sometimes I loath you
But then I still care about you
I still trace the remembrance of clues
Sometimes you get in the way of you

I am not the imperfections of my skin
I am not the imperfections of my mind
I'm clueless about mankind
Won't let anyone back in

Family
A word that's supposed to mean everything
But it also means nothing
To me, the definition is
Broken promises, and held back tears of disappointment
Fake tugs around the waist and meaningless I love you's with kisses on both sides of the surface
Silently getting kicked in the face with the “harmless" words they had to say
Softly getting praise, only to be back handed harshly after time and place
Family is my biggest disgrace
They have lied to my face
Disrespected me and my name

I can never again fall from grace
Because of all the scarring they left on my face

“Fire doesn't purify, it blackens."*

-Silent Hill

Not only is it a disease that destroys your body
*It destroys your heart and soul as well

My mind keeps winding me down with a million thoughts
And shutting me down with Hulk-like emotions
              How do you give away a million things that wants to stay?
They've been trying me everyday,
    that's if you wanted the truth
But,
There's something about water that now makes me more serene than anything

*I gotta thank the fire for water.

I'm only a human being looking for some meaning
And I'm only empty to be filled.

The biggest, yet shortest question
And most difficult to explain
Unless you plain old don't give a **** and that's your answer.

Diamonds, emeralds, silver, and gold
Are only valuable because it's shiny and what humanity was told
If those things were dull and light
People wouldn't want them, *right?

You have very strong points
They even sliced me
But then again
There's still two sides of a story

Don't promise the world before you know whether or not they are your world
Otherwise you'll be out there breaking hearts

On the street
And on the corner
You'll be like a ******,
*...only ******* with people's hearts

Push me down till my knees bleed
Bend me over till my back breaks
Crush me till my bones turn to dust
Wait till dawn to release me over the mountain's breath of anguish
You got your wish, you tortured me to death
Are you happy now with your decision?
Of course you aren't
You're already onto your next victim

I've been abused by poverty
And a mother whose lips have a velvet tongue of lies and unfulfilled promises.

"Everyone wants to attach labels. Heaven forbid we actually love and live as we please."

I'm complicated
That's why I like things plain and simple.

I just can't blame and go
I have to look at me and finally know

When the ice is thick
And when the ice is thin
I will be walking that ocean again

People say the hateful and ungrateful don't deserve anything.
That the too insecure deserves no love.
And, yes,
They make strong points on why they don't deserve anything.

But in the end, even though I know they're right
I still get the still human feeling.

"What's the point of loving, if it's not meant to be?"

God has always meant for us to sin
That's why Jesus died for them
Every sin in existence is forgiven already
We just haven't forgiven each other.

An infinite amount of space full of internal conflict.