Love feels like being strangled
Like a churning in your stomach
Like an unquenchable longing

Love is helplessness
Love can be almost unbearable

There was a time I thought
Love was sunshine and breezes

Oh but it isn’t always lovely feelings
It isn’t always fun
...

It is holding on for dear life

\



Your beautiful heart has a tiny little hole
Goin’ b’bap-bim-boom boom-bap...b’bap
The mitral-valve-prolapsed leaky little hole
It goes ba-***-bap, bitty-bap, rat-ta tat tat

Instead of the traditional ba-dum, ba-dum
And aside from the fact that I like the beat
There’s another reason, baby, I like you, (yum)
Why I lay myself down at your ivory feet

It’s not because your heart sound like a drum
Or the fact your soul shines bright and true
It’s not just the *** tuh-tum tum tum
...It’s because I have a hole in my heart too

Got to get
Outta' here
Jump the fence, we're
In the clear
Where do we
Go, my dear
Now that we're away?

To the spot
In the park
Where we burned hot
After dark
Got a blanket
And a spark
Drink to this fine day!

Acoustic bass
Crisp guitar
Beers and hacks
Worries far
Until we spot
A police car
And scatter like the leaves

No one's caught!
Such pleasantries
Those times they brought
Such memories
Sweet and hot
Beneath the trees
And we are thick as thieves
Hiding 'neath the eaves

[]    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []    []




Fait­h is believing without seeing

So how does one have “more faith”?

How exactly does one believe?

Belief is...the elusive wraith...



Do I say in my mind, “I believe, I believe!”,

And eventually find that it’s true?

Or does it require clear-cut demonstrations?

And if so, what evidence will do?



Some faith is required when the teacher explains

Four divided by two equals two

But then in the classroom of any good teacher

This assertion is proved to be true



But what of the esoteric abstract assertions

The proclamations about the unseen

(The help that is given by clergy or guru)

Are they true, or designed to just grease the machine?



How does one do it? How do they have

A “personal relationship” with a dead man?

Or a living GOD who lives on the throne,

But chooses stone silence as part of his plan?



Or is GOD there, screaming His head off at me?

While I am just too dense to hear?

Oh why is there so much trouble receiving

The message from One who created the ear?



I want to, I want to, I want to believe,

And someday I’ll find it’s all true

Meantime, I’m sitting here, heart on my sleeve,

Blurting my hurt… *and so blue

I just don't know what to make of it
Give it all to Him, you said
I think I need some time away
You both seem so different than in the old days

We're apart when we're together
The tensions grow and shrink,
N always wanting me to stay,
Yet spending our whole time on links

I don't know what to make of it
It's the isolation amidst the masses
The loneliness when we aren't alone
Pushing me toward the brink

How am I supposed to deal with it all?
Give it all to Him?

How is that done, exactly?

Fine.

HELLO THERE LORD, can you HEAR ME?
     <crickets>

WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THIS UNBEARABLE WEIGHT?

AND THE LUMP
IN MY THROAT?

...And the fear...
...And the hate...

It is hard
Here in this incredibly strange place
With no access to you
Save the memory of your face

Alive and awake here
In my own skin
The pain is too difficult
And so I fall again

But now taking inventory
Observing my own thoughts
And noting without judgment
The actions and the oughts

I'm tangled and impeded
In circumstance, it seems
Perhaps I'll learn to let go...

Please visit me in dreams

Maybe you’re mistaken
       when you think about what’s out there,
You attribute ev’ry stimulus
       to winged things from books,

Mistaking accidental circumstances
       for essential causes,
There isn’t really anything
       that God conveys with looks.

Perhaps it is hard to face the truth:
       we’re just meat bags with will,
Which slowly rot away until
       the day when we’re forgotten

Needlessly dissecting
       every move and every inner thought,
Attempting to discover
       what makes us all so very rotten.

Take a deep breath
And hold it in
Until you feel it all
...Fading away

Slowly toward death
All of us fall
Someday we’ll feel it all
...Fading away

Through my goat mouth, it’s true,
       you can hear me bleating,
Like a little lamb who’s lambier
       than lamby-lambs can be,

But yes in fact it’s bike tires,
       and tin cans that I’m eating,
And I feel my goat heart beating
       and... I want to flee.

Plodding through these piles
Such a pit I've dug
Longing all the while
For a pang or a tug
A seed for creation
A speck to commence
The thought's crystallization
To throw me from the fence

Look for me in spite of what you see

Stop drifting leeward, keep an eye on the goal

Quicken all your senses and tune me in

I will do my best to soothe your soul



Despite this illusion that is now fooling you

I know you and love coming
   to the rescue

The things you’re seeing now
   aren’t quite the true

Each event is perfect
   from a certain point of view



Way past the spectrum range
   that’s audible

Block out the extraneous to get an inner vision

Tune in your ears, this frequency is laudable

My voice will make the fusion; my eyes will make the fission



So before you try to smell the flowers from underneath

Before you take that J. Urbonas rollercoaster ride

Visualize your picture of the spirit with the wreath

And try and try to follow
sans pomposity or pride



Illusion has within it, a glimmer of the real

An imperfect model of what’s there when we break through

Don’t be guided only by the feelings that you feel

Nor by the coldness of the calculating you

Xanax is the devil
When mixed with too much drink
And so is escitalopram
That is what I think

    These things conspire to change your vibe
    And now it seems if you imbibe
    The smallest teensy tiny touch
    Of *****, it’s ...still a bit too much...

Seems my Dear has disappeared,
And swaying in her place
Another person, as I feared,
Without the charm; without the grace,

    I cannot stand my latest role:
    Authoritative scolding troll
    And I, not knowing what to do
    Retreat into a deep dark blue

I dreamed I saw your grandmother’s ghost

She was smiling at me, and looked vital

When the dream took a turn,

I woke up with a start,

And longed to see

Yours

~

But you did not appear,

I only tossed and turned,

Struggling to quiet myself,

And get into the right state;


                      The correct position


    And the proper breathing



                   For seeing ghosts

~

I miss you.

+

I pray you are romping
In Elysian Fields

Further up and further in
I will see you anon

I fell for a time,    ...and damaged my mind

Forgetting, for a spell
                               What makes us feel well

Having forgotten,
                           It makes me feel rotten

When body runs down,
                            Then I don a frown.

Remembered  today
                     What makes it go ‘way:

You’ve just got to move;
                       To get in the groove.

For body and mind
                  Aren’t separate, I find.


If one or the other’s neglected, my brothers,

Then suffers each one
                          For since they begun

Inextricably chained,
                   These two remained

If psyche is blue,
          Then body is too,

And if you repair,
           The body, mon frere,

It turns out that you
     Can fix the mind too!

And so I fall again
Into the blackest cycles
The dark patterns
Of dreary steps
Running on auto
Not feeling like I ought to
Piloting the craft through
Though taking many hits to the hull

And perennial pardon ,
Sure as the sun will rise
With the impending dawn,
****** my plaintive passions
Sickening and splintering the dream
One from which I awake with a start
Bloodshot grogginess
My purest art

Whispered words

Don’t compare

To actions taken

Here and there

To let you know

How much I care…

I’ll never leave, my Love



Covenants

And pleasantries

These things are broken

Easily

But I want you

To stay with me

And so I’ll strive, my Love,



To fight the nature

Of our kind

I love your face

But love is blind

And so I search

Your soul for mine

I see it there

From time to time

Because, you see, we’re intertwined by things unseen, and God above.

I'm in it

Wandering

Your silence is deafening

And here I am, floundering.

Now my frequent exhaled "jeez" is the cheesiest

I'm generally meandering - on the path I see as the easiest

My vision is encumbered by the sand in my eyes

My judgement is impaired by my lack of supplies

This time in the desert should beget new perspectives

But instead, nothing's born but new harsh self-invectives

In the silence, tooling a song,

At least the shadows are now growing long,

•.. •.. •.. •..


IF You exist

I want to jack-in

I’d like to just get

A handle on sin



Or have some small bit

Just a smidge of control

Of my own ******* up ****

Diatribe takes its toll



You take my hand

I’ve a quickening pulse

Lead me oh God

Teach me to waltz



Father of light

Please comfort this mess

Show me the true

I’m lost, I confess



You take my hand

I’ve a quickening pulse

Lead me oh Lord, Lord

Teach me to waltz

Throbbing twinge
To blinding light

Doubling over

Pinioned, you'll hover
For a moment

The trap is set
All it takes is a tiny misstep

Just an inch
And the bone and sinew

Unhinge
...
Like a snubbed lover

Crippling and crumpling
My very form

To this spot on the pavement
Where I squirm comically

Attempting to right myself
Useless.

I resolve to keep moving

Grit teeth
Eyes squeezed shut

The elusive sigh of relaxation
Seems like a long forgotten myth

And now begins
The guideless era
As my guide has departed Terra,
Gone, but surely not forgotten,
He's left...
His form is pale and rotten.
Slack jaw
Reveals the row of teeth
     A row above
          A row beneath
I perceive slight movement in his chest,
But a touch confirms
He's now at rest
His nostrils drawn
His ankles crossed
His hand is limp
And now the cost of sinful man
...is paid in full for this fond friend,
There's no remaining time to spend
At leisure in his kingly presence,
But he's left behind his essence,
And from him we all have gained
A starting wisdom, we were trained
To laugh and cry and live and pray,
To seek truth,
                  to love,
                            and point the way.

Now to Him who is abundantly able,
Receive this servant at your table
Dress him in your softest gowns,
Kingly colors, shining crowns,
With a smile upon his face,
Doused with your amazing grace!

I trip through each
                                  hair trigger trap

As I
        hurl
                my weakened will

Crawling from pleasure
                                           to pleasure
                        
                     Unable to set a course
                ...with mere intention

My corrections only
          change my heading
                      by fractions of degrees

~ need intervening  intervention

I journeyed out to find
...And here along the way

Having glimpsed my mind
And holding little sway

What fascinated first
Had become cliche

For what was blessed was cursed
And God feels far away

A blessing once upon a time
Was treated as a high

By my own hand and tongue, and I’m
A shriveled ghost, a sigh

Persuade me to embolden now
Regain the mystic eye

To see the golden glow somehow
Without the paper tie

The crispness of this air
Feels like a fetter, oh

I long for sweet despair
I’m getting better though

One day I will be healed
Or ...I like to think so

Toward the great reveal
The conclusion of this show

Inexorably, I go

Someone slams your precious art
Remain Open
Callously pokes and prods your heart
Remain Open
The world wants you to close the door
Remain Open
Wants you curled up on the floor
*Remain Open

It's more akin to touch than to sight ...or sound

A focused vibration
                           felt within my bones

My eyes can't spot it
My ears don't detect even the smallest whisper when it begins

And at its crescendo, I'm buzzing and sharp


And aloud, I say, "Yes LORD?  Your servant is here!"

And then it subsides
And it's no longer clear


Did I feel that?
Was it real?

I doubt it;

I feel...

That even if angels came down to my street
And lifted me up - right off of my feet

And for minutes, held me airborne
Two yards off the ground!
I'm certain, the moment that I was brought down...

I would doubt my own senses
That's why I can't be
The chosen, the faithful,
Who's allowed to see

Prone to scoff at the stories
Of loved ones who'd swear
There is something much bigger than ourselves out there

Prone to wander and wallow
Prone to spit, not to swallow
The stories of old
As I stray from the fold

She has chains
Around her chest
Slowly tightening
Give her rest

She’s in danger
Every day
She can’t continue to
Work this way

She’s saving lives
And skirting death
Ushers joy
Or one’s last breath

This blight has taken
A toll on her
On ALL of us
It has, for sure

But on the caregivers
So much worse
On every doctor
Every nurse

❁


What were you thinking you little fool?
Don't you know life on earth is cruel?
I looked into the mirror today
I don't know what to say

You look so dried up
Guts are all *******
Into those little knots your mind has made

And I just can't tell you
You'll go to hell too if you
Don't change your mind; don't change your ways.

What were you doing out there all alone?
Don't you think it's time that that was done?
Principalities watch from the walls
If I win will the demons fall?

Can't You just open up a door?
Push me out on the threshing floor...
Help me jump past...this transience, it's no good

If I could just open up my eyes
And have a look behind Your skies
At what's supposed to be out there, I would

Why can't I love You the way that I should?
Would it help even if I could?
There I go making excuses again
Help me; help me with this amen.

I need a new drug to take
I need a new brain I think
This is not something that I can fake

Won't You just show me something true
So that I can start anew?
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Is this that rock that You can't lift,
Just simply showing logic's rift?
Or is it just that I lack the gift?

Is it that this is what You planned?
Am I that vessel You can't stand?
Am I to be ...slighted by Your hand?

What was I thinking? I'm so misled…
I need to live life outside my head
If I was chosen to be destroyed
Then that's how I must be employed

I'm just so dried up
My guts are all *******
Into those little knots my mind has made

You, dear, my life, and my true love forever
Hold keys to bonds that none other can sever
You are: reason to wed, or even to die,
The laugh in my belly, the tear in my eye,
The one single being who knows me, all through.
And all of my love, dear, is due only you

When first I encountered your radiant charms,
I knew I must hold you, my love, in my arms
And never relinquish this perfect embrace!
‘Lest I should miss kissing your smile and your face,
And then could I give of my self nevermore.
All other loves lack, save the one I adore.

My foresight and function dulls daily, my bride,
And fails, for your beauty should oft’ be descried,
And my lips fail to offer the reverent speech
This lack, bind it up, Oh, my God, I beseech!
But there is the rub, for although I don’t say-
I still feel a thrill when we’re still; when we play…

This heart is still filled when you come home, my Love.
Each day, it’s made clear, I should praise God above
For granting me someone whose soul matches mine,
Whose embrace is holy, whose kiss is divine,
This Love we have found, all other loves seek! -
The lovers of old and the Poet’s mystique

And now that our love is begetting new souls,
I thrill at the thought!  And I cherish our roles!
The glint in your eyes, it unveils motherhood,
Your tenderness shows and your love’s understood,
Our future envisioned, joy fills my whole being!
Passion for you trumps my hearing or seeing!

So then, let it be known to our progeny:
That our love is true and there never could be
Another love lasting through future or past,
That’s truer or deeper than ours, or as vast!
Let none through the ages e’er have cause to doubt
My love for my dear one ‘till breath shall run out.

And when I lay dying, if you have gone first
Pray God will have mercy and make my heart burst
Or if it is I who has gone on ahead,
I pray that eternity makes, for the dead,
The time seem an instant, so when I arrive,
I’ll turn and behold you, forever alive!

I lay awake here trembling
In fear of what awaits
When I finally let go
And heave my final breath

I know that I have whispered words;
Things that ought to save me
But what of judgement?
What if there's nothing after death?

Ah, but this flesh that clings
Causes such searing pain

Thrashing, throbbing, and beating
Trying to leave me again

I will try to slip away...
Turn up the drip of morphine

But this will be the end of me
What does that mean?

Hello stress
Goodbye rest
Hello late nights
Hello appetite
Goodbye judgement
Hello lament

Workouts are fleeting
Enter bad eating
My addictions just shift now
From TV to...what now?

It's drugs in the morning
It's food at lunch
A smoke ring I'm forming
Now back to the crunch

Next'll be uppers then downers then more bull
And soon I'll need hard **** to feel half normal

At the end of this hectic whole putrescent week
It's a buzz and some rest and some love that I seek

Your golden hair shining in the sun
As you're bounding over the waves
Body glistening, muscles flexing as you run
The beauty of this moment rejuvenates and saves


Along the sandy shores of Lake Ontario
In the land where the sky and waters meet
We play catch with the Frisbee and crank up the car stereo
And romp until you’re panting to the beat


I remember the day  when I first met you
Among the napping huddling heap
Ignoring the others, you sat on my shoe
Pawing me, while your brothers fell fast asleep


So selfless, so smart, so easy to teach
You would whisper, and crawl, and back up and weave
Lily, my lovely, don't go, I beseech you,
Stay just a bit longer here, Lily; don't leave

I await your return and long for your embrace so
Have you received the messages I’ve sent you?
I was conversing with you only moments ago,
But still I cannot reach you.
     Are tests what you teach to?

Come to us, please, come on down,
See the pain and anguish in so many faces
Remember the last time you visited this town?
On the ceilings there are still  some scorched & faded traces
     Of the fire, once extant in these windblown faces

Intoxicated laughter, sober rage
Both are made within this cage

Silent prayer and crippling fear
Are always present when you're near

The end of this short time with breath
Mysterious, this launch toward death

                                 ---


                            The LORD will ******
                                                          ­ Every
                                                           ­   One

                                             It seems to be
                                                      How HE
                                                       Has fun


                                   ---


     See now I am completely clean
         And notice how
             these thoughts
                 careen?


                          •••  ---  •••

Let's cling to hope
It's all we've got
We hope it isn't
All for naught

Let's cling to the hope
That God has planned
An amazing banquet
A rockin' band

A natural high
So real so true
In our new bodies
You, you, and you

ALL are invited
And ALL will arrive
LOVE will win
We needn't strive

Just open up
Your weary eyes
And know that here
Around you lies

A magic love
Hidden from view
And waiting patiently
For you

God delights in fulfilling
Every prayer detected
But never...ever
In the ways expected

So "nearer my God to thee"
I'll sing as I go down
And oh so happy will I be
As I transform and leave this town

The bustle and the tedium
Are things I need escaping from
Yet time speeds by and still have I
Not planned a foray ‘neath the sky
To places that I know will put
My careworn brow back where it ought
To be.  And so my torpor worsens;
I begin to draw-back from random persons
I give up as I’ve done before
But freefall further.  What a bore
I have become...the quintessential
Flawed human… (how provincial)


It’s time to make the drive up north
To face my demons and burst forth
Upon the beautiful scenes I’ve seen
In years gone past, blue, brown, and green
Across sacred Adirondack waters
I must lead my son and daughters
Set up camp and sweat and think
Stoke the fire, pray, and drink
Climb and swim with nonchalance
This head and heart need renaissance
So I say, …and so I need to do
But I’m crippled from this moody blue

What have I become?
Do you turn away?
Supposing it is I
Who has gone astray?

I’ve grown these horns and fangs
My claws grasp at each straw
There’s rumbling hunger pangs
Take note my gaping maw

You put me in my cage
Toss me crumbs and scraps
My hunger to assuage
More than my fill, perhaps

Now my eyes have blackened
The id wrests all control
And these constraints have slackened
Please, petition for my soul
The beast inside this hole

Spinning and spinning
Six little circles
Flushing a life down the drain

Naught but a smidgen of straining, my pidgeon,
A blurr to the vision, euphoric, no pain    

My brain,
Will just shut down
I’ll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash me away

Whirling and twirling
My heart in the middle
Graphing the pathway to get the right spin
Crisp calculation, the subtle equation
Causing elation, at last cashing-in

Your brain,
Will just shut down
You'll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash you away
  
You must be THIS tall to ride this ride
It’s your human RIGHT to a nice
     suicide
This celestial plane, ...and all of it’s
     strife
We can help you jump past it,
It’s YOUR ******* life!
It’s all in your hands.
You know what to do.
Now is the time
To become the late YOU

Your brain
Will just shut down
You'll get
Out of this town
The rain
Gonna pour down and wash you away
  

My paradigm’s shifting
The veil is lifting
What was I thinking
My heart rate is sinking
And something is stinking
My consciousness shrinking
And what is that ringing
Do I hear choirs singing?
-
Julijonas
Fancy yourself the angel-reaper?
Julijonas Urbonas
Aren't you your brother’s keeper?

Is this just a "what-if", ...for fun?

O Julijonas
Julijonas Urbonas

…What have you done?

Everybody you encounter
Is fighting a battle
That you know nothing of...
That red-faced guy who's always yelling
Is probably on the verge of tears
The anger is a facade, put up as a defense against the world
And its crushing weight

Mike was that guy
He was old school
A stodgy codger
Life dealt him a tough hand
He lost his son seven years ago
I went to the calling hours
So incredibly sad.

I think he gave up then
What was the point anymore?
Meaningless, meaningless.
Since then his work ethic declined
Understandable.
I think he gave up seven years ago
I wonder, would I do the same in his shoes?

An ******* to some,
Belligerent to many,
His struggle was heavy and real
Last week he chose Hamlet's second alternative
He chose not to be.
My heart grieves for his wife, remaining son, daughter, and mother.
I pray God will rest his soul

I am a fixer; I want to repair,

I want to remedy your woes,

And take you up to highest heights,

The place where my heart goes



Each time I hear your voice,

In the timbre that matches your playful eyes,

Dulcet lovely tones, so choice,

It expands my mind, you must realize,



Ah, but instead I damage more,

The very muse I hold so dear,

So uncomfortable I become,

At the sound of the tiniest tear,



And yet, I love you, Muse,

An oafish child, though I am still…

You inspire the best of me,

You’re my Venus in the clamshell!



I want to frame your face,

When your smile allays my pain,

And gentle words drip from your lips,

Like drops from leaves after the rain,



You quicken my belief,

And make me want to try,

To be the best that I can be,

To make you glad, and keep you nigh.

My grandma is a fish
I saw the gaping mouth
The hook was just a wish
To pull her back down south

The gurgling and gasping
Were more than I could bear
Gnashing and convulsing
I felt a tiny tear

Ed just wouldn’t wake
From his sleeping chair
The paramedics’ take
Sank Mert into despair

Then not much later on
It happened just this way
She had a small procedure
The surgeon’s knife filleted

And when the job was done
Within a god ****** day
I got a call at work
And what you had to say…

She’s not long for this world
We’re going to unplug
Come down and say your peace before
we salt her like a slug

She doesn’t want to be
Kept alive with a machine
To go against her wishes
Would be a trifle mean

The big brains all are saying
She’s just a little old
And though she’d probably make it
If she did what she was told…

She doesn’t want to live alone
So let her keep her pride
Here is an exception
To that rule on suicide.

I just wanted to run, I just wanted to hide…

I just hated your faces; it just felt like you lied...

We're never
    happy
        with what
            we’ve got

We can
    pretend
        that we are
            but we’re not

Our narcissism
    knows
        no
            bound

And Echo
    follows
        every
            sound
...        ...        ...        ...        ..­.       ...        ...
(The sound of  glass shattering...
followed by footsteps padding along the forest floor...)
[Narcissus is running with the fairest Echo giving chase. She catches him...]

"But you always did such good!"
        Only 'cause I knew I should

"But you always gaze so lovingly at me!"
         Because in you, myself I see

"But you give to the needy, twenty-four seven!"
        I'm simply storing up my
        treasures in heaven

"And all of those spiritual teachings you mention?"
        That's just so I am the center of
        attention
...        ...        ...        ...        ..­.        ...        ...

You come back today
I’m afraid to see your face
Since you’ve gone away
An image in your place

Has occupied my mind
An image of you, lost
In darkness, and I find
I didn’t count the cost

Of filing (was it blunder?)
The documents that rip
Our strong union asunder
Was it wrong, I wonder?

Will you come to your senses?
Will the spell be lifted?
Will you then break my defenses;
And have reparations gifted?

But then I picture you
In HIS arms, on repeat…
And once again I stew;
Can’t sleep, and I can’t eat

But wounds that I now nurse
Will one day make me strong
It cannot get much worse
So add verses to our song

The song of you and me
Afloat but sinking fast
Adrift in these rough seas
Without an anchor cast

The only way we’ll save
The friendship underneath
Is taking what you gave
And sinking-in my teeth

Because there was some good
I took from our meandering
But I’ll not hold my breath
That you have stopped your wandering

So, civil I will be
I promise to be kind
Your infidelity
Will slowly leave my mind

And one day we will laugh,
About our childish ways;
About this current gaff,
Or at our chosen phrase

Describing these hard times
As we visit our brood
And laughing at your crimes
Love’ll be understood