I'll pour myself another cup
And try to keep from looking up
As I stare at my reflection
In a spoon

And all the worries of the day
Will slowly start to melt away
As I breathe in this night air and watch the moon

It has been a wild ride
Head is throbbing, what a tide
That's rising  
With the smiling man tonight

I think I will just pay my bill
Venture to the top of the hill
And sit, pondering 'neath the cold blue light

My heart's still beating; I don't want
To be the one to push and taunt
The crazies surely will be on the prowl

And here am I, beneath the sky
I'm one of them, and so ...I sigh
And say a prayer,
         and toast to Mr. Owl

"Who cooks for you?
Who cooks for you all?", he asks,
To me it’s quite a funny query...

"It's me", say I, toward the sky,
"May you feast and hoot and fly!
And may your magic never cease to carry!"

Pharmacea
Come and renew us
Pour out the new us
Lessen our pain
Soap in our beer
Doesn't faze us
Purple haze us
Over and again
Take away our silly lack
Sure it seems to bring some knack
How it seems so, but in reality
Real malady
Only takes hold
Over the bold
Markings that my essence
Scribbled in your presence

Propeller hat:

A poem about us-

     Exquisite equation
     So simple and classic
     Calm sea of frustration
     And new life Jurassic

     Shabbily dressed to the nines
     Your metal-band flute
     My tangles of straight lines
     The angles acute

     Never cross (without reason)
     My low-born sublime
     Through good and bad seasons
     Sans passage of time


Love,
Your jello-y rock

I came across a piece of paper from 2013, when Charlotte was five. I had jotted this down:

"New word Charlotte made up:
Orsificant (adj.) Both smart AND wise"

I still like the sound of that word.

And God, how I wish I were orsificant.

Avoiding magic,
Elf, and bowl...
Nothing’s tragic
If made whole

Avoidance carries
Heavy loads
The miracle tarries,
Mind implodes

But winged creatures
Want dire things
Say earnest preachers
Who pull off wings

Perhaps the church
Should be avoided
And left in a lurch
As Christ destroyed it

When he read
From the scroll
Turns of head
All eyes did roll

The spirit is upon me
I’ve been anointed
To set captives free
I’ve been appointed

And as he put the scroll away
He uttered aloud, almost in song:
“These words are fulfilled in me today”,
Infuriating the offended throng

Leaving chins
Upon the floor
Churchy grins
Appear no more

They move as one
To chase him off;
To Him, what fun,
The shout and scoff

He looked not proud
On the brow of the hill
Passed through crowd
All felt a chill

For this, perhaps
Is how He loved
The cards collapsed
And all were moved

Avoiding magic,
Elf, and bowl...
Nothing’s tragic
If made whole

Avoidance carries
Heavy loads
Miracle tarries,
Mind implodes

But winged creatures
Want dire things
Say earnest preachers
Who pull off wings

Perhaps the church
Should be avoided
Left in a lurch
As Christ destroyed it

When he read
From the scroll
Turns of head
All eyes did roll

The spirit upon me
I’ve been anointed
To set captives free
I’ve been appointed

And as he put the scroll away
He uttered aloud, almost in song:
“These words are fulfilled in me today”,
Infuriating the offended throng

Leaving chins
Upon the floor
Churchy grins
Appear no more

They move as one
To chase him off;
To Him, what fun,
The shout and scoff

He looked not proud
On the brow of the hill
Passed through crowd
All felt a chill

For this, perhaps
Is how He loved
The cards collapsed
And all were moved

I need to write a brand new poem
Of hope and strength,
Of pride

I’m fettered, chained, shackled, bound,
The old trope, at length,
Descried

    But

The scaly skin is thus removed
By claws that gently peel
The rind

“It all comes”, the student said,
“Of slumbering in caves,
I find”

Perhaps we are

The seed of something;

My ghost, the orchid

I’ll become,

And every bloom

We see unfurling,

Shall beautify

Th’ eternal home!

Paralyzed
Got things to do

Got to make myself care
Got to make my limbs move

Taking the next step
Operating
Motivating
No more waiting

I am numb
 But there's an underlying dread
An underlying nausea
A sense that something is ...off

  Something needs tightening
  Something is stuck
  
  Something is bent
  Something's not right

Polish it up
Tighten the fasteners
Grease the hinges
Straighten what's bent

Scrape off the contacts
Re-flow the cracks
Moisten my lips
Take a deep breath
(From down in the belly)

Try to articulate
Try to be calm
Take a step back
Take a step back

Deflated, spent, and numb
The thrumming of the drum
Will keep my unwilling feet moving task-ward
Closeup on upturned thumb.

Another sunrise, another day
And still, she has very little to say
She calls up from rehab, to talk sick'ning-sweet
About all the folks she now has at her feet

“People from all-walks, who’ve played my same card!
We do meetings, and yoga, and walks in the yard!
And the food is so filling, and tastes pretty great
No wonder inpatients here always gain weight!”

“I’ve met Sally, and Kate, and Pauline, (who loves Pink)
And we’re all the same! We cheat and we drink!
Then there’s Betty, and Paula, and Beth, and Marie
All of these people exactly like me!”

And the thing she repeats in the children’s ears:
“Mommy’s working real ******* herself, my dears!”
As if NOTHING had HAPPENED, talking softly and sweet
But even in rehab, continues to cheat

Not that “WE” could be mended, it’s far past that point
But it ****** me off that while she’s in that joint
Spending our money to get pampered, and “well”…
She’s still chatting on phone calls with HIM.  Go to hell!

She’s been nigh three-weeks-sober for the first time in years
When she calls me to talk, it is not to shed tears,
Nor beg for forgiveness for adulterous ways
And say that she’s sorry she’s wasted my days

But to ask why the children won’t pick up their phones
As she’s still talking daily to the geezer she bones
I ask, “…you really love him?”, she confirms that it’s true,
With a casual cruelty, as I’m cut right in two.

Oh, a scoundrel met a pretty maid
And he fell so hard it hurt
And he set about to being near
Her countenance...and skirt...(wink!)

Well, it turned out that this pretty maid
Was betrothed a while back
And so the scoundrel tarried there
And made to plan-out his attack

The scoundrel was overjoyed to find
The rascal was gone at sea
And the lovely maid he so desired
Was a tad inclined to flee

And one happy day he kissed her
And the world melted away
On an island not far south of here
And they both knew from that day

For a while they loved in secret
‘Till she shirked her foul plan
Of playing the role of officer’s wife
To (let’s face it) the wrong man

And the scoundrel tried to straighten up
And he set himself to workin hard
He’d ask the maid to marry him
‘Fore the sun was over yardarm

The maid was a pirate captain’s daughter
So one sunny day, with trembling heart
He walked along beside the Pirate
Attempting to sound smart

And he told the Pirate his intentions
Conveyed politely what he had planned
And with carefully chosen respectful words
Asked for his daughter’s hand

And the Captain said it was fine with him
If his daughter would consent as well
And if the scoundrel would treat her right
Remaining atop the swell

Well, the Pirate was a handy man
With blunderbuss and musketoon
And jabbing with his cutlass
By the light of the silver moon

He captained well his ship
Through breakers plenty tall
And not till he was seventy two
Did our dear pirate captain fall

On that day the ocean rumbled
And a gale was on the water
And the ship on which we sailed
Tossed and tore the pirate’s daughter

We trembled there in silence
For each crew mate held their breath
While the hungry sea kept roaring
And the breakers talked with death

And monstrous creatures from depths below
Around our ship did gather
Knocking hard at the timbers
Working the sea into a lather

The Kraken on the starboard side
Leviathan to port
And the sails were torn and tattered
And the yardarm was cut short

The main mast it had splintered off
And the ship was tipped and tossed
Disastrous destruction from the deep
Meant the ship was nearly lost

And again and again the waves they crashed
O’er the scoundrel and his wife
And he and the Pirate’s daughter
They held on for dear life

And amidst the many perils
And the never ending storms
The scoundrel and the pirates daughter
Learned to raise their arms

The held their arms high in the air
As down each swell they raced
As each fresh peril they endured
And each disaster, bravely faced

Praying they’d have it figured out
How to navigate these icy squalls
Without the pain and angst
Pinning them against the walls

They’ll say, “Here comes another”
But smile with strength and cheer
And though the night will rattle them
The morn’ll be smooth and clear

And when they cling to each other
And to God who sees it all
They’ll be anchored safe in harbor
Protected from the squall

Though the tempests are never-ending
And they can’t quite see the way
When they cling on tight throughout the night
And hold each other through the fright
And pray to emerge into the light
They’ll embrace the bright warm day

At night in bed, my teardrops drying
Trying hard to hear that sound
Sound of moving mountain thunder
Underneath my quilted down

Comfort me oh Great Mechanic
Panic has me faint and sick
Quicken now a firm believing
Grieving, my heart feels the *****

Far away my sister’s praying
Saying prayers to help my doubt
Shouting at beguiling spirits
Here, it’s lost...but I say shout!

Though we may not know it’s method
Death’d be the surest in
Sin's beautiful smothered in grace
Tracing your path...further up and in

Win the race thou good and faithful,
Bullish though you were at times.
Times, just being what these times are,
Far away we pray with rhymes

Did I make you feel too special?
Was it too much; too hard to accept?
The adoration that I gave you,
Did it only make you feel inept?

Did I overly pamper you, princess?
Giving in every time we’re opposed?
Did you really think, “Why am I in this,
With this pushover? I think I got hosed.”

How many years did you just make believe?
How long has it been a charade?
As I cut myself open and give you my heart
All the while you were sharpening your blade

Now run along home to your sister’s,
Guts, blood, and gore in your wake
Saying, “I’m too delicate at this stage,
So don’t throw me things I can’t take…

Else you might ruin my recovery
So, …no surprises, please.”
…WELL, what about MY recovery,  *****?
FROM THE IMAGE OF YOU ON YOUR KNEES!

You know what?

Go grind on his filthy fish tail
Go straddle his handlebars
Go send him words that you’ve stolen from me
Give to him all that was ours

Your beauty will fade from you someday
And you’ll no longer get to make jumps
Leaving lovers in puddles of gore as you go
Having lined-up your next ***** for humps

Take a hike for a while now, my strumpet,
Ride his handlebars into the night
I was waiting for you to be sorry
But it’s not worth fighting that fight

And some day in the future when you’re finally content
And you’ve ended your wand’rings and wild rides
Have us over and show us your enormous gape!
And we’ll drive our “Big Rigs” right on inside!

Pain in chest
Pounds and with
Each inhale
Stabs of lightening
Like I swallowed a taser

One glance skyward
And then I shift my position

Death might not be all that bad
Just the sharp pains leading up to it

And when the end of days arrives
And we are queued and cattling
Oh we can praise the Lord for death
For then ends all the prattling

The soreness stiffly settles in
So sit and stew and ponder thus
If there were anything to sin
Why would we wait here for this bus?

The scale is so at odds with us
Morphing, shrinking, chasm-crack,
The only way is on the bus
The driver, bless him, takes us back

My thesis is almost complete
I stayed up late to edit it
So would you read it in your seat?
It may be crap but could it fit?

Within the mediocrity
The realm in which we write
So early in the hour of tea
Or later in the nerves of night?

He’s pulling up
She’s stepping out
The way she got me feeling
Makes me want to scream and shout

She’s on her knees
He’s standing tall
Don’t even want to think about
The covenant at all

She’s on the floor
He’s pulling out
They wouldn’t want to make another
God-forsaken mouth

He lets it fly
Stinging her eyes
She got the only thing he wants
In between her thighs

Whoa Nellie!
Whoa girl!
Don’t you think you’re good?
Especially when gagging down
Your lover’s pink hood

Whoa now
Stop it now
What about them kids?
But how can you fold when
You’ve gotten better bids?

He’s become so sad
She’s not really so bad
The way she nursed his wounds,
She was the best he ever had

They write each other poems
In between the moans
Send each other songs
In mellifluous tones

Baby, there she goes
From underneath my nose
It’s easy to be blind
When you’ve lenses, colored rose

Kicked me in the gut
Mother, …*******, …****…
It took me but a week
To squeeze my tear ducts shut

Oh Baby,
Oh princess,
Thanks for the heads-up!
I hope you feel the poison
Bitter tears that fill your cup

Hey Momma
Hey girl
You go on your way
I hope we both can find a way to be old friends some day…

For now though, go away.

Ok, I’m ready
Tell me how to start
Show me what the next step is
To heal my weary heart

I want happiness
Like anybody would
I’m ready now to do the work
I hope that’s understood

If I’m going to fail
At least I’ll know I tried
Let’s smooth it over and move on
My defenses have all died

I’m past the foolish pride

Trudging through the frightful torrent,
The stinging rain could cut through my clothes
The stinking smog smell is abhorrent,
And the train rumbles as it goes

I'm trying to reach a resting place,
As faces are flying faster past,
A sheltered bus stop I reach at last,
And sit myself down, and thank my good graces

I'm not quite sure just where I'm heading
It's always out of reach, it seems,
Being late is what I'm dreading,
...*That's one of my recurring dreams

I'm in my childhood home
Or a reasonable facsimile thereof
And this holy man with a tome
Talks of visions and love

I seem to recall him relaying
A vision of flame on the ceiling
And fervently preaching and praying
For the group of us gathered 'round kneeling

Like an inverted brook of fire going
Up the stairway and over the hall
The fire represented The Spirit flowing
Like the tongues in Acts alighting on all

And the holy man looks like my father
With sports coat and mock turtleneck
But about details, this man can't bother
And I wake with a start. What the heck?

At length, he dons the fez and smoking jacket, lights a fire and a pipe and reclines in his high-backed Shangri-la chair.
The lips of his lover, hover...
Awaiting his own.

If you could stop this plight
Could plot a place for pep

Could turn the day to night
Transport me through a trip

Repairing ripped remains
Requiring rest and rains

Your vigor vim and zip
Voracious vrooming stains

Beholding what beheld
When it was still intact

The weight is with me still
The cloud and cataract

The vision that now dulls
And daily duty culls

New meaning from the old
Severe, the mercy sold

It is the eve of your leaving
I cast about for tasks
To occupy my mind
I emote very little
Not wanting to seem anxious
Or blue

I trust you will take care of yourself...

And your companions

Know your limits.

Please,
Be ever so careful
Watch out for danger

Look lively and remember us
The Edge is no stranger
But tread lightly

That sadness won't be quelled
With reckless abandon

Here I am again going on
And on.

I will be thinking of you
Awaiting your return
In one piece

You're so funny
Sunny little honey
Singing to the trees

You are charming
Your smile, disarming
And you charm them all with ease

Don't lose that thing
That invisible string
Which draws all others to you

Good's my intention
I should mention
So happy to have knew you

Don't you fear,
Sarah dear,
For it's never a bother

Peak-a-boo,
You know it's true:
I'm glad to be your father

Fundamentally selfish
Consumed with my own problems
I put on a face of concern

For him and her and them
When you speak, I am waiting
For my turn

Making sounds that create the illusion
Of interest
Keeping eye contact
So you think I care

Aware of my body language
Avoiding tells

Skills I'm employing, I learned on stage
Oh, yes...and...
...adding flavor to the conversation

Because you're not doing it right
It is trite - you've lost my interest
I don't have time for this

She squints, her eyes open
She musters the strength
She crawls to the kitchen
But not the full length
In minutes she’s dancing
So fluid, so free
And she’s such a comfort
And so dear to me

She’s the life of the party
Ask anyone here.
They’ve lined up tequila
And whiskey and beer.
Thankful but unfazed
By what they’ve been pourin’ her
As she’s warmly approaching
The chick in the corner

And she saves souls for real
Not like those ****** preachers
And she’s one who can teach
All the doctors and teachers
They hang on her words
And are better for knowing
This spark of existence
This cup overflowing

And I stand in wonder
At all she has touched
All she has given
She’ll say it’s not much
But waves propagate
With her as their source
She speaks, and the cosmos
Is changing its course

Some days she’s saddened
By her empathic knowing
Some days are like years;
Some fly and need slowing.
This past year’s been cutting
The claws of it rip
But she opens her eyes wide
Embracing the trip

And she senses things easily
Intuition - hot
She knows who she is
And she knows who she’s not
And her honor is worthy
Of Arthurian Lore
Her oaths aren’t made lightly
She’s is steadfast and sure

She’s seared into his folds
As his synapses tire
And he needs to subdue
And he’s dousing that fire
But she’s stuck in his head
Like a hook in a fish
And affecting his thoughts
And becoming his wish

He wouldn’t dare dream
Of breaking connection
With someone so dear;
So with each correction,
He’s learning to dance
The dance she intends
To never destroy
This deep bond as friends

Tiddlywinks and rabbits
Hares and hinkey habits
Everybody
     Elicits élan
          When ev'rything's comin' 'round

Invisible personal savior
Pondering human behavior...
Maybe increase
     Willpower in these
          Organic inventions
               You've made from the ground?

Most people don’t want to be converted at all
    They’ll pick their way along the winding trail
And, when owl in tree asks who, fear his call!
    Like squirrel giving two or three shakes of tail
They run from every breaking of twig
    Afraid the sly hunter’s claws will impale
And now, at nightfall, our Mister Big...

     Sharpened of claw, and focused of eye
With the cloven hooves and horns to boot
   Red predator tempts and tempts the prey
And skillfully tries to make-off with that loot
   But after temptations, th’accusations will fly
As, like the owl, he’ll preen and he’ll hoot
   And silently sit with a grin toward the sky...

So maybe call out to your old safety net
  Your regent who’s remedy always is ready
It might be an option your heart opts for yet
  It is easy & straightforward not vague or heady
You’ll escape from the raptor and won’t soon forget
  The moment you brought yourself focused and steady
To the great task of asking, there came comfort I bet

...And you don't know
   Just where you want to be
   And you don't care
   It's a side show
   Will you learn to haul them in
   With your fresh snare


When you are down
You got to get up
You got to go show
You'll survive
Another day's gone
Another night too
Oh my, good for you
You're alive

The gold floating down
And your casting-crown
And fillings that
magically turned
What good are they now
They've changed you, but how?
What change did it make
When you burned?


   No you don't know
   Just where you want to be
   And you don't care
   Well it seems tricks
   Aren't good enough for me
   So the sheep stare

•


Enough, enough and so to sleep
Without a dream or answer deep
From the Cobbler’s castle keep
My longing makes a leap

Awaking with such laudable strains
Abounding audible in my brain
Meaningful morsels, muck and mane;
The not knowing is such pain


Are all these songs that I get in the middle of the night coming from you?
Your subtlety sometimes is like a blinding light. What’s a boy to do?

Messages that the songs convey
Will sometimes drain my doubt away
But then again the very next day
“It’s artifice”, I’ll say

When will my longing cease?
Have I spent enough time on my knees?
Do I have demons to release
To hear the holy breeze?
...
If feelings weren’t just chemicals
Arriving in their ports of call
If they were tangible at all
I might avoid this fall

--
Reach out and touch the space
Right here, behind my face

I’m opening the door
But it don’t work no more

I am a
  mess of nerves…
Exposed and weathered at the curves

But the one who’s blessed
  ...is the one who serves
So here…have some hors d’oeurvres

--
I ask that you would calm me down
Gently bring me back around
To a place I once had found
Quiet, holy ground

This rhyme scheme is strained at best
And draws attention to my jest
So please just hollow out my chest
And give me holy rest


Are all these songs that I get in the middle of the night
Coming from You?
The way you leave it all so hazy just ain’t right
…Is that you comin’ through?

A blessing on you
I place with my heart
A covering
A blanket,
First an invocation to start:

May the One who is cause,
  who is start, who is first,
    feed you, your soul,
      and quench every thirst

May the God of all raise you by the scruff of your neck
And shake you and form you and snap you right back
To the place that you were when you went to the water
To the pond with our father,
-or when you learned from his daughter

I pray for you often, though I've been out of that habit,
I am trying to find it and if I spot it I'll grab it
But until I learn soul
And until I am wise
I will promise I'll look
At you with fair eyes

Please know little brother
I love you no matter,
And want you to sit with me up the rope ladder
I've never had words for you that you could follow
We've had joys and sorrow, some times hard to swallow
But no matter what I want you around,
And you and I both shall be wrapped in the Sound

The creatures emerge
in ones
and twos

Into brightness,
eyes blinking
to fight the glare

Grasses smothered
all winter
regain their hues

And cool wisps
of ozone
enliven the air

As groups congregate
within
the scene

The joy
of lost burdens
revives the Song

And the finely forged
freedom
you glean

Is the motive
for living
and loving this throng

And here we are once again
Pen in hand, with a hollow longing
Sing of wanton joy and hope
Coping. Can you see the string?

Fling wide the windows, and,
Candy coat the sour parts
Tarts delight and frighten us
Fuss and fret about these starts...

And stops.