autumn skies and pumpkin pies.
great orange fields, large in size,
leaf turns to leaf as gold comes to see;
what excitement to behold, and how happy to be.
nippy air and extra layers of sleeves.
bitter cold air as my breath comes alive.
wisping away, fast deep into loving lives.
Oh October is here and I feel just happy!  
to be with everyone with hair blowing shaggy.
I love this time, and I hope i explained why.
it's these
autumn skies
and
sweet salient sighs.

My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was

Open my eyes
I take my pill
To feel alive
I won’t sit still
No more complaints
No more joint aches
It may be fake
but I’m awake…

A trance-like state
It is a place
So I can hide
No need to face
There is no shame
No more disgrace
The astral plane
My inner space

-

A dreamland Utopian place;
my mind where it exists
Then leave me here, I wish to stay;
This place I want to live
The world out there’s too harsh and cold;
I’m tortured day-to-day
It’s safe in here; stay till I’m old
I’m better off this way
Though it’s not real, it’s real enough
As long as I believe
I’m not like you; I’m not as tough
So, lies are tales I weave
Turn into truths inside my head
My new reality
I live my life as if I’m dead
I’m fine; Just let me be

it's hard to write when you don't feel.
because then you just throw around words with meaningless weight .
i try to embrace my trace amounts of hate,
but even then.
nothing comes, weird how that most seem.
I'm happy...I think,
well i'm not sad at the least.
so, then, what am I?
or,
what should I feel?
should i be happy because i'm not sad,
or sad because i have to be sad in order to be happy.
or do i need either to feel either?
I just don't know.
or,
i just don't feel