If they only knew what goes on in my mind
Ever since I could breathe, they would be
astounded by the darkness in my skull.

If they only saw what was racing through my thoughts
every time I open my eyes, they would beg me
to keep them closed tight.

The high road of life was never meant for me to take
when I fall through the cracks, slipping
on the wetness created by my eyes.

I look at all my scars, closing my eyes once, then twice
then never wanting to open them. Horrible reminders
on my heart and soul and skin
that remind me that I think I am worthless.

This high road has been lowered
and I am dangling over the edge of all that I am
and all that I ever will be.

So I am now faced with a decision:
Let go, or claw my way back up to the solid ground.
I think you know which one I'll end up choosing.

I would write to you
if you would reply to me
But if they ever saw these letters
then who would I be writing to?

I write a page at a time
only ever staring blanky a few moments
and then picking up the pencil
and letting my hand glide over paper,
But who am I writing to?

Am I writing to myself
or am I writing to my fallen dreams,
my fading memories
of a time I once longed for,
but can never reach.

Am I writing to the person I wish I was?
This person is an imposter
a fake; an intruder
whose sole purpose is to let them never
see the real me.
So they only know the perfectly flawed,
but never enough to take action.

I think I write to both,
a desperate cry for someone to heal me
with their fingertips drying my tears in the night
after another bitter fight that leaves me hollow
and lets me fade away into restless sleep
as my tears leave trails on my cheeks.

Save these stolen treasures
for a woman who can love them.
Save this simple love song
for a girl who knows how to sing them.

A girl who isn't me,
a girl who can laugh, young and free
unburdened by the weight
of the world.

Save these candy apples
for a woman who makes you smile
Save these sunkissed hands
for a girl who can hold them

A girl who isn't me
a girl who can love, faithfully
a girl whose heart is beating
red and full

I'd give away those treasures
I don't know how to love
My laugh is bittersweet, and oh so wrong.
I'm crippled by the weight
of this world's torment and hate
I can't make you smile
I'm not yours to hold.

But if I was bold,
then maybe
I'd have a chance
to learn how these feelings inside me
could learn to change.
Maybe then my heart would beat,
so beautiful and sweet;
but alas,
I doubt that dream will ever be seen.
At least not by me.
But for you,
this dream shall come true
just as long as you leave me
alone.

You're not going far
With that scarred mind of yours.
Oh, I beg to differ
I'll build myself upon my hatred
Of mankind.
I'll build myself and tear into my soul,
extracting words I've never told
And laying my soul bare
for all to gawk at.
This is a gateway to my future
Of suffering that I will let define me
For the sole purpose of entertaining others
With my faults and mistakes.

I'm a fool who's rage is written on a page
Flickering with fire, fueled by a painful desire
Unruly and unjust it burns without control
Till its content with its remains of dark ash and coal
Seeking no shelter, though it must be contained
She screams as she cries trapped in a cage
Walls adoring her, only growing stronger with age
Dreading the knocking that echos so loud
Fumbling with the keys, throwing them to the ground
Huddling into one's self, as the world grows c o l d
Yearning for somebody who can allow her to be whole
As she kicks and she screams, pushing them away
It's difficult to get past this tremendous facade
That holds so well, ingrained into her being
Disregarding the world and others well-being
How heartless and cold
How selfish and bold
Pitiful you are
with that narcissist mask, you hold
Dance me another dance
Within that ballroom of yours
Filled with the most beautiful flowers
And those demons that taunt at all hours
Its cold deep within, even with fires set aflame
As she continues burning within her own stone-cold cage.

Here we are again,
Square one.


~