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Sep 2020 · 227
Off the wall
Anthony Sep 2020
I know it’s been too long since I’ve wrote,
But I know the words are finally free of my throat, it feels like it’s been years since I’ve put pen to paper and it shows! My arms are cut up again new burns on my nose, I swear it feels like I’m comatose. I lost feeling again and i do things I don’t mean. But I finally feel like it’s time to come clean. Yes I pop pills no it’s not for thrills, no one ever thought it was to take away my mind because the voices get louder, that way maybe I can stop using the white powder. I say I’m sorry to everyone because I feel like a failure. I swear I apologize for my moods for my behavior.
This is all **** I need to get off my chest before I go crazy and unleash the bottle. I had a gun in my mouth last night and nobody knows. its finally time im the last wilted rose. I sleep with a bottle I take my pills every day nothing helps. All I have to do is put on my mask and pretend to be ok but inside I’m withered away.
I’m just waiting for the day I overdose and take too much. I have a spouse but I can’t even feel their touch. I’m going insane help me please. Maybe my life will just freeze. No one will care.
I’m going off the wall
Feb 2020 · 133
Anthony Feb 2020
I can’t feel anymore. Normally I’m in pain or usually I’m sore. But not recent. No recently I am not happy or joyful. But I’m also not sad or depressed. This is new. I can’t explain. It’s like a never ending never breaking emptiness. Something good happens and I’m lucky to crack a slight grin. Maybe this is a good thing. No more sadness no more depression.
Maybe I’m just an empty shell. I’ve watched my friends go one by one and I stay here.
Sometimes it feels like I’m on another planet. Or maybe I’m living in a dream.
I’m more in a notebook than I am outside. I’m more inside my head but honestly nothing is there.
This is more than dead inside this is something else. I feel like a zombie off medication I feel like I am in a different world unexistant to everyone else.
Like I’m trapped inside a box unable to find the lid like I’m behind a mirror staring at the real me.
This is what I live with on a daily basis unable to talk or feel. I’m no one.
Jan 2019 · 365
My fault
Anthony Jan 2019
I can't seem to do anything right.
I can't be good I can't win this fight.
I am always the one at fault.
I always mess up.
It's my fault I'm me. It's my fault I keep getting cheated on. It's my fault im sad.
Everything in this world is my fault. I've been told this my whole life.
It's my fault
Jan 2019 · 988
Broken Picker
Anthony Jan 2019
Have you ever felt angry enough to ****, sad enough that you can literally feel your own heart break, helpless to the point you feel you can't even control a bit of your own life let alone anything else. I do on a daily basis. And I make myself go through it constantly. Because I can't bring myself to end it. I'm scared I'll loose you. I am not gonna send this text. But I will have wrote it. I think about you every day. Yet you probably don't even care. I say I love you with meaning. I know you say it so I'll leave you alone for a bit. You don't love me. You don't know. I'd give you the world and you wouldn't even give me a text back. I'm afraid of being alone I know. You call me obsessed and clingy. Do you even know I've been cheated on 15 times out of 15 relationships. You wonder why I'm always asking what you are doing. I'm scared. I can't live with another heartbreak but I think it's to late. I'm sorry.
Dec 2018 · 230
Anthony Dec 2018
This silence is deafening while alone,
No one to talk to No one to pick up the phone.Music isn't reaching my ears, the only this here is my deepest fears. Does anyone even read what I write? Is this even worth the fight?
Silence is unbearable I can't take It, I don't feel like it's even worth it. No one cares anymore, living feels just like a chore. I dont belong on this earth, carey me away on this hearse. Im done with life, If I don't post That's because this was my final strife.
Dec 2018 · 211
Anthony Dec 2018
I did it again.
That gun went to my head again.
My arms are bleeding again.
I'm crying again

Is there a point where tears dry up?
I haven't found it.

I did it again
I wrote my suicide note again
I took medicine again
I wish for death again

Why can't I do anything right?
I can't even die properly

I did it again
I pulled the trigger again
Nothing happened again
I say I'm sorry again

Maybe I'll die this time.
Or maybe I won't again.
Dec 2018 · 315
Anthony Dec 2018
What is pain to me.
Is it the ability to be trapped in my head unfree?
Is it the way I stutter and sound?
Is it the way my world turns around?

I feel I deserve my pain.
I deserve to feel such a strain
I deserve all of these scars
I deserve to feel behind bars
I deserve to feel trapped
Like my head is in an infinate wrap

I am this pain.
It will never go away or get better
It will be here forever.

I need this pain.
Nov 2018 · 155
My voice
Anthony Nov 2018
I didn't speak today.
Maybe it's just one of those days but deep down I know It isn't.
I didn't speak yesterday.
Many don't know what it's like to forget your own voice. I do know.
I didn't speak last week.
It's hard to get words out of my mouth. Many don't know what it's like to be the person who doesn't speak.  
I didn't speak last month.
I may not talk but inside I have a voice to share. People don't hear it but they can read it. Inside I talk without a stutter. Inside I can yell and scream.
My voice doesn't show my emotion my eyes do.
I didn't speak last year.
I've been called mute. That isn't true. I can speak. They just don't want to hear what I have to say. When I try to speak I always get cast away.

I spoke today. And nobody listened.
Nov 2018 · 505
Anthony Nov 2018
I am at war.
I am at war with myself.
Sometimes the good wins sometimes the bad and it shows itself on my face, on my arms and my legs.
This is a battle where no matter the outcome.
I loose.
This war inside of me. It hurts. Like I'm being ripped in half. I hate that I feel like this but at the same time I crave it.
I belong in misery. I don't deserve happiness or normalness. I deserve this war.
Because in the end.
I am This war.
Nov 2018 · 152
Im sorry
Anthony Nov 2018
I've often wondered Am i crazy?
Am i sane? I know these aren't normal thoughts. Why do I always feel all this pain?It feels like all I seem to feel is pain and anguish. I wear it all out but sometime it's death I wish. I tell people and they leave. Is this what I'm worth? They say just point your head north. Well that doesn't work for me anymore. Have you looked at me? Seen the scars I wore? Normal people don't have those. There is a reason I always wear jeans. Why I always have long sleeves.
That light at the end of the tunnel is a lie. It never was there. Because any time I stepped toward it, it got farther away. All of those sorries I said. I don't know if I meant them or not. The only thing that gives me comfort in my sad life is knowing my writing gets read. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry
Nov 2018 · 296
Love never dies
Anthony Nov 2018
We knew each other when we were young. We always hung out and had so much fun. I liked you and you liked me. It really wasn't hard to see. I still know you were my first love. You were my white flying dove. Then one day i had to move. I left with your memories, the feeling of your last on my cheek, and a bracelet you gave to me. A Year went by. I thought every day of you. But soon that year turned to two. Five have gone by and I loose hope. I don't think I'll ever see you again I start to tighten the rope. Out of nowhere my computer says your name. I couldn't believe it. I sent you a friend request and you accept. We start talking again catching up. I learn you missed me just as much as I missed you. And soon we talk for a few. Hours fly by I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then I finally hear you say you love me too.
I recently found my first girlfriend. We both missed each other. This is probably the happiest I've ever been!
Nov 2018 · 141
Lying around
Anthony Nov 2018
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to get up I just want to lie on this cold hard floor. The voices in my head are finally silenced but at a cost. I feel like my soul is lost. I took something again, maybe it'll **** me. Or maybe I'll just feel better, we'll see. That's the only way this pain leaves. It stops my feelings and stops my grieves. I can't open my eyes now. Maybe it's finally it. I guess we will see in another fit.
Nov 2018 · 118
Anthony Nov 2018
I lay wide awake. I can't help It, I've done everything I can. Maybe my life is fake. Those voices I silence during the day, they come back stronger. And I lay here in the dark forever longer. They yell in my head screaming at me, Saying I'm not good enough, saying I'll fail. The clock ticks bye and I need to sleep so I take that Nyquil. I know I shouldn't and I know it's bad but half a bottle is ok. Maybe a sip will do, oh no I'm still not tired so down it goes. And I can't express my deepest woes. I start feeling happy enough to sleep, finally. I look at the clock oh I have an hour to sleep oh well. I'll fall asleep like I just fell. I whisper a final I'm sorry and hold that photo to my lips before finally passing out. Now the voices won't shout.
I needed to write this. It's been getting to me lately about everything going on. I hope I am not alone.
Sep 2018 · 130
Help for all
Anthony Sep 2018
Why am I like this?
Why is it that I cut?
Why is it that I feel these thoughts like a hiss?
I cant help it my brain was made this way.
I cant help that I always feel the need to pay.
I deserve this don't I?
All this pain that forces me to sit down and cry?  
It makes me feel alone like nobody's there.
And every single time I'm coming out worse for wear
Every scar that shows on my arms,
Every bit that shows I've done harm,
It ads up over the long stretch of road
"You'll get over it" the overseer crowed
But you never do.
See people like us we get forced this way, through tough times, poverty, abuse, and not being alowed to say.
To be honest we all feel alone, but we aren't
just look around and really see, show your heart. Look to your idols, look to the skys,
Look to the man that sits there and cries. Find yourself.
By helping
Sorry, needed to write this to uplift myself. Hope someone out there finds something useful in my words. I needed to write
Sep 2018 · 349
Panic attack
Anthony Sep 2018
I feel like the walls are closing in around me and I can't stop it, I stay still and deathly silent in my strange fit. There isn't anything I can do to stop this attack, all I can do is close my eyes and wish to be back. Put in your music and try to regulate your breath, silently though all you can do is wish for death. You try to speak but your mouth won't move no matter how hard you try. Soon you let the tears fall and you sit there and cry. Tell yourself it's ok all you want, but you can't speak not even a grunt.
Breathing is calm now, but still you can't get your head out of a bow. You've stopped shaking but still feel as if your body is quaking. You feel as if you are going insane and everything feels like a breaking aching pain. Stomach is in knots, I wanna throw up but I can't. It's just me, myself, and my thoughts. I can't speak and I can barely think, I swear I need to see a shrink.
My stomach stops churning but now my head feels like its burning. There isn't anything I can do about it. Just wait and calm down from my fit. A few more minutes go by and my mind starts to clear, all the attack was was my fear. I still want to be left on my own, but now at least I'm able to pick up the phone. Ill be ok, at least for another day. That is my panic attack.
Sep 2018 · 318
Anthony Sep 2018
Nobody listens to what I say, nobody wants to help. I can't even sit here for fear of silence and pray. I want to cry and want to scream but I can't. I cut again and again but still I don't feel the same. Make this pain go away, all the anger just let it swirl and flame. I don't know what to do with myself, I have no fame no friends no wealth. I'm alone and nobody can save me. Nobody. Nobody can take away this pain, nobody can take away this anger. I'm alone and nobody cares. If I died nobody would care. Nobody. Just like im. A nobody

— The End —