AmberLynne

AmberLynne Aug 2014

Driving

There's no way you could have possibly known
when you called while I was driving home,
but the whole day my thoughts had been
utterly preoccupied with plans for the moment when
I arrived and would go into my reclusive
mode. I had thought too much about those elusive
non-feelings, and how I could quickly achieve
them. And on the ride home, I couldn't believe
it when I found something that had slipped
my mind-a pocket knife. Now equipped,
a renewed sense of purpose fueled
my drive. Then you called and my thoughts cooled
considerably, instantly. But you knew,
like you somehow always manage to do,
that I wasn't by any means okay,
no matter what I attempted to say
to convince you otherwise. So I drove
and you crawled in my head and wove
a net for me to fall into. And you stayed
on the phone with me until the call of the blade
was drowned out by our laughter sounds.
You managed to, yet again, turn me around,
and I don't know if you realize just how much
of an impact you can have, how such
insignificant words can change the course of a life.
So I'd like to thank you for helping me beat the knife,
not just today, but every single day.

8.4.14

#love #cutting #together #selfharm #fighting #struggle

AmberLynne Aug 2014

Wind Tunnels

You know, sometimes it really ****** me off how completely infatuated with you I am. I try so **** hard to be the quintessentially cool, calm, and collected one.

Act like I don't immediately perk up and look around every single time I think I hear you walking my way. Like I don't check my phone regularly just in case I received some communication from you and missed it by chance. As if I don't await the moment my eyes get to settle upon your face, I get to wrap my arms around you, and press my lips to yours. Like hearing your voice isn't what starts my world spinning again when it's all stopped and also slows it down when I'm racing too fast and facing an imminent crash.

But sometimes, every so often, I wish I could back up, pull away, distance myself even just the tiniest bit. That way when the casualest insult unfurls itself from your tongue, crawls between your teeth, and crosses those perfect lips of yours, I don't feel like the wind coming off your words knocks me over with such ferocity.

8.4.14

#love #pain #infatuation #struggle #insult

AmberLynne Aug 2014

Tainted

"Have you had any firsts with me at all?" I ask, breath catching and a sadness coming over me as I realize there's not one thing unique about me.

The silence after my question spreads out and latches onto my heart, concreting the idea that I'm nothing special after all.

You flounder, trying to come up with something, anything, but you have not one occasion to offer me.

You possess so very many of my firsts, and I felt there was something important in the act of giving them to you.

But my sweetest memories are quickly tainted by the realization that many others before me gifted you with the same, their own firsts.

And I can't help but feel *****, used, and alone. For a while there, I really thought I was special.

What a joke.

8.4.14

#love #first #important #unique #used #special

AmberLynne Aug 2014

Festering

I wander through my house,
aimless steps,
looking at all that I've accumulated
and hating it, every bit.
So much needs to be accomplished,
but it all feels so purposeless.
Wash, sweep, launder, wipe,
what for?
All of this ****,
meaningless to me
and I'm honestly sick of cleaning it.
The same motions over and over,
a metaphor for my life.
I walk room to room,
eyes glancing upon chores undone
yet another day,
but I don't feel like doing them
today either.
I don't want to do any of it,
want nothing to do with
any of this crap.
I meander back to the bedroom,
lie down in bed yet again,
where I never seem to leave
on my days off.
Festering,
this I can do.

8.2.14

#sad #depression #bed #blah #fester #chores #undone

AmberLynne Aug 2014

Struggling

I have this little pencil pouch
that I stuff scraps of paper in,
"happy memories,"
and when I'm feeling down
I'll reach in, swish them around,
and pull out a few
to remind me of better times.
They're all kinds of memories:
big, significant moments,
funny or sweet quotes,
little nothings I don't even remember
until I read them later.
Today one was, "I threw away
my last two blades 6.12.14"
Now, this one was pretty **** major.
I used to have cutting kits,
blades hidden everywhere,
and one always
always
on my person,
just in case I needed it quick.
I remember my first cut
with scary clarity.
I was ten.
I'm twenty-six now.
Sixteen years I've been
haphazardly coping
in all the wrong ways.
More than half of my life
was consumed with the evolution
of my methods.
Maybe you can understand,
just a little bit,
how incredibly terrified
and yet empowered
I felt on 6.12.14
when I opened my palm
and watched those last two
faulty escapes fall into the trash.
Every day since has been a struggle,
but I haven't relapsed once.
I've thought about it,
dear lord have I thought about it,
but I've refrained,
forced to just rub the scars
running across my porcelain skin.
I feel like I've been battling
these hellish urges forever,
so when I opened that slip of paper
and read it, comprehended the date,
I wasn't proud at all.
6.12.14
I broke down, instant tears.
All this struggling I've been doing,
and it hasn't even been two months.
Not even two measly ******* months.
If this is what "staying clean"
from my ******-up addiction
feels like in just the first
month and a half,
I'm not going to make it.

8.2.14

#cutting #addiction #selfharm #struggling

AmberLynne Jul 2014

Clocks

Tick, tock
We count the seconds, minutes,
          hours, days,
                    years, decades
          of our lives.
Why?
Time is a man-made construct.
We're taught to define our lives by it,
          confine our very selves by it
          from the time of our birth,
          counting down until our death.
One, two, three, four.
Stop the counting.
Do what you have to, but then...
As far as I'm concerned
time should not be a rule,
          but merely a suggestion.

3.28.14

#life #time #clock #tick #tock #rules #suggestion #manmade

AmberLynne Jul 2014

A Year's Time

This time last year
you were nothing to me.
I don't mean that
in a bad way,
just that I literally
knew nothing more
than that you existed.
Your desires, fears,
every idiosyncrasy
was unknown to me,
knowledge not yet granted.
And here we are today,
and so quickly have you become
the singular most
influential person
in my universe.
I could have never prepared
for your take-over of my life,
but it was so complete,
and I don't think I've ever been
as good as I am
when I'm with you.

7.18.14

#love #romantic #knowing