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When I smell Old Spice it takes nose back
Think of being close to your skin
Was it your sweat as our pulses raced?
We were producing promises to win
Homemade pizza promptly devoured
Flour handprints on ****
Bedazzled jeans
Holes in both knees
Blond hair perfectly cut
I remember admiring freckles
Couldn't take your eyes off my smile
Inebriated night after night
Dreamed of walking the aisle
When tasting Smirnoff *****
Always think of our start
Hearing laughter in my mind
No matter how long we have been apart
It's crazy how little things can take you back in time

Written 3-3-21
It was bad as I always imagined
Honey no longer tastes sweet
All who partake intoxicated
Words melted in the midday heat
Illusions beyond comprehension
Evoking apparitions from a fleeting flashback
Fragments claimed in the light of day
Painted my world in shades of black
I could only watch colors fade
Charismatic allure had me paralyzed
Energy spent transformed into tears
Crossed paths unrecognized
Time has not dwindled intensity
Feeling depth exceeding all measure
Defined by despondent devotion
You no longer bring body pleasure
I dream a life free from anchors
The shadows darkening the air
In moonlight images my skin unblemished
Make-believe scars were never there
If only I could pretend something into existence
The sky so blue, the earth so green
These eyes bear witness to what they've seen
My mind with the moon, I dream for fun
I love the moon and stars and sun
They don't care what I have done
I want to be useful before I'm gone
I need to wean myself off what I lean on
and stand on my own two feet for once
but they always take me back to where I've been
Eternal cycle that I'm in
It always goes back to a life of sin
Of gin and tonic, of tobacco and chronic
I never win, it's gotten late
My routine has become a fate which I hate,
but cannot break, is it too late?
My inner voice is crying now
I did not listen, didn't know how
I bow to the past, I prostrate low
To my routine, it's all I know
I wish there were ways to heal
Struggling to close cuts
Without stitches to tie skin together
Won't let a single one shut
Without glue to stick
Doesn't matter what words you say
Wanting won't make up to me
Top of head is turning grey
Feeling as if I'm not in control
Forced to look ahead
Doctor would diagnose depression
But I'm determined to not exit my bed
Without somebody saying they love me
Line easier to cross
Believing that I want to die
Apathy being my pushy boss
Charger crouches on table unused
The reason I don't have a phone
Best friends have all abandoned me
I truly am all alone
Written 3-3-21
his lies
like pieces of glass
cutting her hollow
as they fall and they pass

She swallowed
her pain
inflating like a balloon
following her around
like a cheese wheel moon

She swallowed
her tears
like salt on the rim
and threw away years
on the likes of him

She swallowed
his memory
like a bitter pill
weighing her down
after all this time still
I wish I was made of bulletproof skin and a barbed wire mind
Heart was buried treasure impossible to find
In need of good luck if you've any to spare
Seems mine was carried away like a balloon into the air
I dream of following but I can't sprout a pair of wings
To the earth anchored by melancholy
Held by a thousand strings
Full of too much sorrow there's hardly any room to move
Grief sits on shoulders
An anchor weighing too much to remove
Mirrors at every turn mocking me with my own reflection
Tormenting reminders of each mistake and imperfection
I do not know how much longer I am able to stand on these two feet
Exhausted from daily performance mastered and am condemned to forever repeat
Don't believe my own worth though I try I can't love who I have become
Disappointment stings worse than bees so do all I can to stay numb
I'm waging war with myself and taking bets on which side will win
Back and forth tug of war constantly makes my head spin
Heaven? Hell?
Good? Evil?
Light? Dark?
I have no clue
I'm so lost in madness contained in my soul that it is tearing my heart in two
Feeling some type of way
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