Just woke up
Feeling like crap
The regular routine
The usual scene

Dying of boredom
Feeling lonesome
Waiting for something catastrophic
Wanting to do something idiotic

Desperate for craziness
Hoping for some happiness
But I have no time to throw away
So I have nothing else to say

Having no excess time
To do good or to commit crime
Because everything flies so vast
Everyone else is moving really vast

Only looking forward
Only wanting the reward
What is happening to the earth?
Life is surely getting absurd

We should enjoy the journey
Live a little and be happy
So put a smile to your face
Do not look back to yesterday

Everyday is special
Things just don't happen twice
Don't waste time
Go on and roll the dice

Enjoy every moment
Make it monumental
Ignore the horrid comments
Make the day supernatural

Reach the unfulfilled plans
Grasp the impossible dreams
We can't until we admit
That were too afraid to break this habit

Just to conclude
I have one last thing to say
I have no time to look away
Just way too excited for this typical day

I look forward to seeing him everyday.

What is this torture?

How do I stop castigating myself
and throwing myself prostrate
on the burning coals
those spitting embers
spider web cracks
spreading like contaminants
foreboding of the epidemic to come
intricate designs carrying grave warnings.

I tremble.

I have never trembled before.

Not in response to the mere
idea
that image in my head of
his arm tenderly around my shoulders
to shelter me from the inevitability of the future
the dancing spectre of his face
lingering in the goose flesh
that breaks out like a cold sweat
when my heart aches
and my mind cries out in anguish
at the terror and sheer immensity of
that crushing longing.

Never have I wanted so wantonly
a wildfire consuming
ravaging every inch of my world
reducing me to a snarling beast
bared teeth
hair standing on edge to lash out
the power of the entire universe
pulsing through my veins.

A mother’s love pales
to the ferocity of my fight.

I have nothing to lose
I have seen the mountaintop
I have seen the destruction
the darkness and storms which
lie ahead for the burning chasm of
pain and beauty and love
that is my very essence
and I must continue
I must go there and know
that I can survive the gale winds
and the pelting rain
slapping my face
with a lace glove
as if that could somehow insulate me
from the sting of your absence
and the looming murky world
that you leave in your wake
expecting my gratitude
for the silt and dust that hangs around me
whose hollow presence
doesn’t keep me warm at night.

I feel my control
slipping through my fingers
the sieve through which my power is filtered
and I am left with only the dregs
why did you have to come here?

Why did I listen to your whisper
to open my eyes and
see
and have your face be the first
image haloed in the sun’s glorious offering
of light
bathing my retina in the warm liquid matrix?

How long could I have held onto hope
that two parallel lines
could one day diverge from their path
their arrow-straight shot to infinity
and converge
to know that touch for even a fraction of
a femtosecond?

How long will I continue my self deception?
To listen to the dulcet tones of that uninhibited
purr in the back of my mind
which exists outside of knowledge and logic
inhabiting the world of unmentionable desire
a longing that I suppress
a wanting that I can never trust.

Crumbling facades and fading frescos
are all that lie ahead
as time’s march crushes all dreams
under its steel-toed boot
stealing everything away from me
until I subsist on arid dust
and musty, time-worn clocks.

Make me forget who I am for a night
You can do what you want just hold me tight
My pain is evident in my dark eyes
My mouth painted red with loves lies

My nails dig into your back deep
As you make me forget I weep
Something about the man that is you
I forget the things that make my heart blue

You press your lips against mine consuming my soul
But that is what you do... that's your goal...
You make me numb with this thing called love
But to handle the beast you're going to have to wear more then a satin glove

My heart slows as you give me what I want
But I know my actions tonight will haunt
I know you are doing what you do best
By causing me to forget the pain caused by all the rest

I want perfection
I want that moment where our eyes meet
and neither of us can break the gaze
where our souls open to one another
like buds thirsting for the rain
where I see eternity, endless infinity
expand and share their secrets
from within you and know in that instant
that you see the same in me
I want that perfection of recognition

I want perfection
I want a shared empathy
an effortless telepathic connection
to feel that golden thread that links
all my chakras with all yours
I want to wake thinking of you
to drift into sleep doing the same
to know this is true for you too
and to meet even in our dreams
I want that perfection of synchronicity

I want perfection
I want to explore your body
to marvel at its complete perfection
even though you believe it imperfect
I want you to marvel too
at the perfection you see in this body
although I know it to be far short
I want to be consumed in mutual lust
to burn with your tastes sounds and smells
subsuming our senses into one another
I want that perfection of sensation

I want perfection
I want to run and work and sweat with you
to experience the joys of music, of performance
to travel with you to places of wonder
to inspire your creativity
to be inspired by you in every way
to reach new heights as yet undreamed
to remain forever grateful
for the gifts of your love
I want that perfection of complementarity

Cynthia Pauline Jones 4th May 2015