One of the most unbearable pains is needing to cry but never being able to.

I want to feel the pain I see in your eyes.
I want to know what bullets feel like.
I want to memorize every little thing that breaks you.
I want to see the monsters in your head.
I want to rip your pain out from your chest.
I want to hide you in my arms.
I want to strangle your demons and make you whole.
I want to be your reason for smiling.

I wanted to be a ******* inspiration.
I guess I’m just not good enough.
My hands shake when I write now.
It wasn’t always like this.

I want to tell Jaxson I love him.
I wish I could write like all my friends.
My bones ache when I’m near them now.
It wasn’t always like this.

I want to hold Bella close to me.
I wish I could say those three words.
Fear gets to me so easily now.
It wasn’t always like this.

Things haven’t been the same.
I can’t tell you when it changed.
But I miss when everyone loved me.
Now I’m at the bottom of everyone’s list.

I know you wrote a song about me.
I haven't heard it but, I want to.
I want to know who you see.
I want to know what I feel like on your palms.
I want to know why it's me you think about.
I know I shouldn't ask but, would you show me?
Even if just for 3 minutes.

I have a book full of letters that I know you'll never read
I have a symphony of songs that I know you'll never hear
I have a sea full of tears that I know I'll never shed
I have a heart full of love that I know I'll never share

You asked where my happy place was,
Could I say that it's you?
Maybe it's us,
In a coffee shop,
Telling stories and trading smiles.
Never thinking too far ahead,
because the now is so **** perfect.
And never caring about mistakes,
because I'm too focused on your freckles.

You asked where my happy place was,
Could I say that it's in your writings?
You make me sound,
So ******* loved,
You have no clue how much that means.
You write of the me that you know best,
the boy who hurts but loves to smile,
I feel so real from your point of view,
and I love that I'm always on your mind.

You asked where my happy place was,
Could I say that it's when your in my arms?
Holding the stars,
and the flowers,
and pressing them close against my heart.
Keeping my world safe from harm,
while finding comfort in your touch,
Keeping my fears locked away,
because you scare away the dark.

You asked where my happy place was,
and I couldn't narrow it down to one,
So for now I find joy in three places,

Your smile,
Your art,
Your touch.

I walked in through an endless door I never knew I’d know
a calm climatic state of inner calamity,  
walking ever so slow
more painful than a leisure stroll through a fire
but my body so cold and feet shuffle almost like through snow.
A self dramatic portrait of a moment
colors could never capture my emotional movement.
It never hit so hard
I never heard words leave so soon
did those words I even spoke?
How could I? When I was too red to breathe  
only air I swallowed kept my voice shut as smoke does
fire-emotional-exact
water-falling-returned
spirit-uncertain-end.