it's probably the weather
and the
question of whether

or not I want to see you again

weathering on sanity
or what idea of it
I believe

rationale evaporated from my brain

but if this is the cost
of the smiles

energy expended
coming back again
sapping more than
I can give

then I will make those memories worth it

about only five
or so
thoughts will go by
till some semblance
of you
conquers my mind

rainbows and nightmares
in your hair
it flows hypnotic
from here to there

oh, darling, how it flows
like rivers within daydreams
pure beauty transposed

I stop and think
on your face a while

there are constellations
in your smile

precious pearls
to further accent
the vivid colors you
represent

you've since floated in
underneath my skin

& I like you there

moments are now shallow
as they go by

pleasure since hollowed
if you're not beside
me

& that's alright

I sense you in the night air

I conjure your closeness
to combat my despair

fervently feverish,
wanting
you there

I'd sleep in the street
if it would earn me a glare

I reach out for your embrace

I will be soothed back into
my longing dream state

your colors now paint
the night around

& soon the sound
of your name

whispered

rattles my brain

& I'm left with only
my longing

I'll yearn for you
just the same

give me some sort
of interaction
I find myself now
yearning for it so

I'm lonely it's no
secret, no surprise
and certainly no
blessing, no dream
nor nightmare
unleashed upon me

I can't tell you what
that could mean

I wouldn't know what
to do with you if I had
you, sympathetic lady

I don't know much of
anything anymore, I've
yearned so fully lately

I need some feeling to
distract my mind from
the things I've seen

there is necessity
in my yearning, the
warped clarity it brings

I need the touch of
a woman

I'm tired of the scratch
of any other girl

batted eyelashes, pretty
lashes on trusting backs
it's all anticlimactic

yet I'm still so confused
by women

enigmatic woe-
catalysts

flowers bloom
in their step
cradling art
in their wake

I wish I could lie
pacified with a soft
warmth at my side

till the weight, gently
lifted from my back
sets upon my eyes

ah, love

I grow so bored with
feeling lonely

I'm so exhausted
with never knowing

I burned my tongue
while looking out the window

I couldn't help but find irony
in the juxtaposition of hot
and terrible cold

I see a familiar gray figure

the notion of feeling like
your stomach is splitting in two
in the good way

but it's just my mind playing tricks on me

I wish so strongly
to find you out there in stormy weather

cold
shaking

so I could take you inside
dry you off
and hold you until
the shivering subsides

a jester for a messenger
such irony fate practices

and as i numb the mind-
less banter of one i would
rather hate, i'm lost in
vague recollection of you

there's nothing special
about a bar
archers with no sense of
aim, arrows falling short
of the mark, passive
sadomasochists drinking
away some sort of pain

you floated around the room
and you knew my name
after the first time i came
around that place nearly insane

i felt memorable

i will remember you

i'd like to think every
little pill stood testament
to that pain you dealt
with every day
you will not suffer
defeat in solemnly
slow decay

there's things you can
explain away and much
more still that you can't
there is no real answer
& that much is only that

you took the pain you
faced daily with graceful
stride and i can't wrap
my head around the fact

but that is only and only that

the veil is softly thrown over
the guiding light that failed

you've created my song

you deserve your rest

when I looked at you
I felt alone
I felt needy

I felt sick

and I'll look to you
to make the rain
come back
& sun go away

I'd trace your body
on cold sheets
study the contours
every unique
spastic movement

but that would take
me opening my mouth

true terror lies in
vulnerability

wish me luck,
I shiver at the thought alone

the funniest part
of it
      all
is that I (actually) said I wasn't
going to do this

but you had other plans,

didn't you?

you had other plans
you're very convincing
I listened
I'm a good listener

on a side note,
I think brown might be
my favorite color

your eyes were brown

I also like pocket-t's
quite a bit

speaking of which, I liked
the design on your shirt pocket
quite a bit

I even remember your name

but don't ask me to spell it,
that's a different story

just you and me, you
know? Or maybe you
don't, rather? either
way it doesn't matter

either way I'm infatuated
either way you have this poem
either way my soul has bled for you

I hope I see you again

I'm higher now because of you
& the lows subside because of you
My feelings are fresh, senses renewed
I woke up smiling because of you

Sunlight is brighter in these eyes
That have since been stolen within your gaze
Music is sweeter, the mundane is song
The air around is charged all day long

Nothing makes any more sense
But the unknown is no longer the enemy
It is an acquaintance of mine
I shake its hand with eagerness

I look to the stars
I confide in the darkness around
In whispering moonlight I hear your voice
I am filled with warmth

Wherever it comes from,
Wherever it's going
Is not for me to ascertain

I only wish to keep this warmth with me
As long as it sees fit to soothe

I only ask you to warm your hands
Interlocked within my own

I long only to learn how well they fit
In between spaces I can create for you

I want you to teach me,
I am willing to learn

you feel disgusted with yourself
but in the eyes of the concrete
you are viewed as wholly reborn
there is an uncomfortable beauty
in every shape of the pain you feel
and it's all you've known, you see
barbed-wire for that safety net
a heavy head filled near the brim

but a soul exists within that form
separate of the tormented skin
the scratching & clawing within
there is an eternal essence of all
being, there is flawed divinity in you
one must stop and really breathe it

you've survived your mind, brother
of mine, and that alone is no small
feat, there's fear all around and it's
always drawing near, but you can
continue onward, you can still live.
at the end of it all, when you return
to the universe, you can at least
have with you in those final moments,
complete unity and understanding.
you can view the grand precipice of
your being with full awareness,
and that is yours. you take that with
you as you cross over, into eternity

Sick with second guessing
The bitterness is back

Beyond any classification
I'm exhausted of it all

Long past petty five steps
I've sat outside long enough in the cold
To know it doesn't get any warmer

Nostalgia's rough grasp
Clasped about my neck
I feel more and more
With every forced breath

And the more I feel the less I know
It all leads to the inexplicable
The redundant and
The impossible to reconcile

Loneliness infatuated
With this idea of the unknown
Through some lust manifests
Into a dire fear of being alone

And that fear carries forward
Incessant debasement

And all the best advice I've ever heard
Is now drowned out by the rainfall

Dripping drops of memories
Seep into wounds still being licked
With a wincing at the past
While bracing myself for the crash

There was somewhere lifetimes ago
When a warmth was prevalent enough

But all that feels like fantasy now

Some sick obsession with comfort

The idea of
Being yearned for

Thought of

Touched, kissed
Dreamed

Breathed

All things senseless yet
Fulfilling for the senses
Creating some
Sense of belonging

It's all slipping, sliding
Moving out of view

Writhing and shaking
My body shivers
Off any remaining
Icicles of doubt

I know the bitterness is back

I know the rain will keep falling harder

And right now, try and try as I might,
I just can't get this **** cigarette to light

Plastic bottles
Of cheap *****
Ceremoniously laid
On top the dirt

Faded red deterioration
Decorating human sin
The plastic as much
A human construct
As the forces driving those
To drink the poison within

Our kind is found among
The freshly fallen leaves,
Blanketing decomposition,
Suspended in between what
Is known of a detached life
Gracefully succumbing to nature

Our character is in the mulch,
It is in the metamorphosis

Our hopes and fears hidden
Within the actions that define us

Scattered about the ground
In the honor of days now drowned
In fermented angst

Plastic human sin
Cheap ceremony
These are the things
We choose to be

But we are so much more

something reenergizing flows
do you feel it? can you sense it now?
the air carries scent
of optimism, the
faint hint of brighter tomorrows
bells and chimes- rustled gently,
swayed by our Mother Earth's
graceful twirls-
sweet peaceful rhythmic
vibrations in perceivable distance

birds are curious creatures
they sing so beautifully
though their beauty is
not known to them
this wind rings in my ears
the birds that are singing
now intertwined with it
their melody has become my own
yet they do not know the soul
they've shown such beauty to
they do not know it any more
or any less than they are
aware of their gift
they just are

and so like the winds
and so like my friends
who gift beauty to grace
the flow of energy
i will be but one
with the breeze & flow,
i will intertwine
so graciously with the gift
i will transcend
                           i will be

you bound me in despair
to your will and body bare

I decided that's all that
happiness was

the choir is singing hallelujah, now.
my best isn't much but there's sweat on my brow. everything went wrong, everything goes wrong.

I'm in an irrational routine with these things. I write and sing and drive and act out of turn.
but there's something right about now

I like the sleepless nights
I feel free and alive
It's sweeter than bright
brighter than sweet

I feel I have a purpose
I feel in control of those
Opposing forces
the one guiding the wheel
the one gripping the pen,
covered in ink and dirt

I embrace it with whatever
parts of me I can muster

I become a different person

but this nirvana will end soon
there are other people I am
required to be at times, and
that time is now upon me

it all could be so easy and
I think it's becoming easier

Even now I see your face:
That strained yet honest smile,
The deadened twinkle in your eyes
Your deliberate words and style

I've known you for many lives
I felt it in our strolling miles
Brothers for longer than time
I'll see you in a while

it's been some time coming
centuries passed
 
since i was able to
see you last
 
cruel fate showing
its shadow cast
 
how our time ended
much too fast
 
your silhoutte
your dainty steps
how i could hear you
when you slept
 
your short hair
and chocolate skin
the enchanting way
your face brightened
 
unconditional
unforgettable
love that was lost
unrelievable
 
green eyes searing
into my skin
 
you taught me how to love again
 
now long gone
my dearest friend
 
you've taught me how to miss again

that's how you came,
and that's how you'll be
paint on a canvas
wild, in front of me

mind clashing and
dancing, feelings
from up above, or
from the deepest dark
gutters of endless belows

you are something else
and I'm nothing of the sort
you'll have me in shackles
and bandages in short

but a bruised up
toothless smile
will rest
for a while

on the drifting
dreamer
Crawling for miles

protons smashing
mingling, mingling
Receiving

in space made
in randomness
and darnkess's embrace

but there's no sense to
make of what's happening
to me

I could go on
for hours
and you still wouldn't see

these things come from
nothing,
these things soon to be

from dimensions
unknown,
from foreign clearings

a fraction
of seconds
For fractured
Moments

suspended in
time
in existing randomness

we can't control
how we came to be

but it's your choice to
make,

it's up to you to hear me

I shame my city
and for what?
it's a misplaced spite

deep down I know
what's really true
about what's on its mind

well acquainted with
the hills
complacent with
the heat

horse trails for side streets

I know the right speed
to maximize efficiency
when driving up mt. Washington

and for some inconceivable
reason, bear in mind
l'm also still disgusted,
I can still tolerate the people

there is beauty to be found here
love to be made here
new levels to be attained,
just like any other place

I'll make sure to remember
the Victorian trees & flowers
like a painting made by
those chosen few
forever moved and
forever still at home

the bad exists because we are
still human

my city is my city
any city is any city
and you can't be truly
happy anywhere

without a little ****
self awareness

i'd ask for more if
you'd hear me say
things of depth and circumstance
in ways i can't convey

within earshot
i would hear the whispers
from a divine warmth
underneath sheets
near-silent songs
of how you
think you could love me

arms length could
have us close enough
to hear hearts beating
between the both of us

rain storms
bringing closer
rhythmic patterns
with the drops
skin serene
& soft

but impartial is the universe
our minds distractible
our feet hardly
ever on the ground

& these words i write
could never capture
the essence i dream you portray

these miserable hands
that lament loss
of a thing yet even obtained

they don't know how
to grasp gently enough
the hands of grace
& divine warmth

when i feel lonely
i'll conjure your caress

it was time hardly spent
but well spent nonetheless

straight to the brain
banging on ear drums
and seeping into every
inch of my being

my soul is dancing
closer than arm's length
to your melody

that signature sound
of your foreign tongue
sends shivers down my spine
&
i don't understand
but i feel
and feel
and feel

the language of love
and your language is love
and love is honesty
and now we're being honest
and i could live in that minute, honestly,
and listen forever
and i drink too much
and i care too little about important things
and i should listen to more jazz
i should treat people better
& for the second time ever
it snowed in the desert
on a hunter s. Thompson book
& it just made me sleepy
lines went by and i just melted into the bed

but it was nothing like how
i'm melting right now

coffee permeates a room
in a peculiar way
like rain through an open
window in the winter

the sound of your heels
hitting the floor rings
like my brain pounds away
at the walls of my skull

my stomach hurts and
the phantom of you
is easing the pain,
I feel a tender hand
upon my skin
but it isn't enough

it's not that feeling
of my lips on yours

it's not the circumference
of the pleasure principle
found with the arms
around the waist

I long with greed and
beg with need and I
am a sitting duck to
the sort of woman
who looks and acts
a lot like you do now

I don't think you realize
just what you have done

what is it about you?
what is it really?

it's more than
your pretty face
they are everywhere
& I love everyone
because I seem to love
so easily

why can't I stand,
the thought of standing near you?

don't get me wrong
I'm not repulsed
quite the opposite,
actually
&so; very very
intimidated
by whatever it is
that you do

what gave you the right
to do this to me?

I didn't give you
permission
to crawl under my skin
and yet you slither
around veins&
organs
my body won't fight you

is this what they mean
by "tunnel vision?"

the nights grow more
blurred
and yet you stand more
clear than ever
no one is around
and it couldn't possibly matter less
I'm enamored
I close my eyes
and feel your smooth skin

why isn't it you that feels
this way?
do I make you over analyze?
do I make you second guess?
do I make you sick with
worry& self scrutinization?

I think the easy answer is
I ask too many questions

loneliness has come once more

the bite in the air
mimics
the similar nipping at my heart

with the drop in temperature
comes a lowering of defenses
i am overcome by vulnerability
i feel so many things i've ignored
for half a year or more

why must things be this way?
i'm invigorated by the cold,
i am human in my shivering
in this loneliness there is
love i've yet learned to embrace

just like i feel the air around
you've completely enveloped me
though just as the cold
knows not who she caresses,
you hold no particular favor for me
your embrace will permeate
absolutely and impartially,
it is far too vast for i

i've yet to feel the tingle
of sweet summer on my skin

i've reveled only in winter
now i long for you to let me in

i shiver in my longing
dreaming only of your warmth

there's a certain kind of romance
in the turmoil you've brought forth

for the love of whoever
is listening at this hour

there is a sickness that
I'm stricken with

It's not in cough or
runny nose,

no body aches or
pains or physicality

it is an absence of
your beauty

that keeps me up &
has me stricken since

you flooded long
drought suffered

land, with piercing
look and
outstretched hand

there is new life
forming and flowing

it's all thanks to you,
you know

I want to be bitter,
but I so desperately

want you so much
nearer

humor me. please.
let me believe that you
actually want me.

extreme parallels
what ever that could mean

but as I stand out
in unforgiving frost
pondering incongruity
and all things
just like the winter wind
they whisk about me

I see spirit
I see body

I can't hope to understand

But I accept it

they exist because they must
as all opposites rely on the other
to mean something

& the forces pulling at each
side of you
have more to do with
things in between

than you could comprehend

then the smoke starts
to burn when it
it breaches the body

and while you cough
& cough knowing
that you have
done it to yourself

stars will continue to twinkle above

70 million ways to
remind you why you
make my skin flutter
and heart crawl

but I couldn't even begin
to put into words,
as your eyes matched mine,
In level and intensity

and
With fear of the unknown
and equally the known,
with fervor,
with yearning
with despair

eyes ignited
eyes in stasis
bruised but widened

I'm
terribly sober
but intoxicated by you
and I can talk
and talk
when I'm intoxicated

70 millions things
I'm compelled to say
but I don't know
where to begin

I just can't
though believe me
when I tell you
that I want to

that moon is nothing
short of super

how could I put it
in words?
there are no words,
there are no words

I struggle to find the words

and that tree
something I've never
seen

drowned in silver
fabrics,
cosmic silks
stellar feels

the moon could
encompass
the universe

but that tree is
defined by its roots
and its roots grow
so very deep

and that tree is dying
and that tree is real

and in death it radiates
absolute grace

absolute elegance

complete serenity,
morphed &
wronged by nature

but so pure
so purely pure

& in the tree's shadows,
stars in the sky
sort of waver, they
flutter lifelessly

the moon and
the tree,
yew I believe,
are the peak
of all I've ever seen

a moon that big, has
a lot of room for sour
thoughts
but that yew tree
is all that matters

that yew tree
is the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen

that super moon,
that literal super moon,
universally incredible
thing

something that emanates
all happy thoughts,
all tides,

it cradles romance
it embraces wonder

it is everything

and that moon,

well, that moon

that moon is (almost) as beautiful
as that yew tree

America the brave
with sour taste I'll let that ring true

I'll be the first to say
the inexplicable ways that
every person today
gets off on fading away

and taught to not be a hero
putting yourself out for real
afraid of feel
mind of fabricated steel

putting yourself first

but with all that is said
some openly accept death
for good of those without thought
worrying about what **** they've bought

they put everything thing else first

people like that will always exist
on last resort instances
and I feel like that just may be
& I feel it perpetually

that is what's immutable
that's what is feared
that is what's expected
that's what is revered

and that still exist

and with all things considered

all sullen debts
those obsessive rendezvous
every second spent alone
thinking about the future

something truly human exists
surrounded by the material
the synthetic
the escapist

humanity
exists

it's not fair of you
to do that thing you do

not all stories have happy endings
the grass isn't always greener
every Good Samaritan has alterior motive
the pill was cut with sugar
you might not wake up when you're put under
your car will break down
you won't have enough money
he's in jail for life
and that thing you caught is terminal

and when you
caress my face that way
it transcends space and time
and every other fickle thing
is far from mind, so far away

but it'll never add up

the gestures
the misplaced affections

I wanna be by your side

but

I also want you as far away from me as possible

gorgeous little
gypsy queen

fiery and wild thing

mislead and
fed common disease

you don't know
what you mean to me

I won't falter
I won't fuss

even though all that
is all of us

I've never made it
this far before

and as such kicked
down every door

but there's no rhyme
or reason
this shifting of seasons
is breaking me down
one atom by one

this wanting and needing
& hoping and feeling
brings me close to end,
though it's only begun

honestly**;
what could you possibly see in her?



"She's blonde and
she makes me feel bad
about myself. What more
could I possibly want?"