I'm tired of getting my hopes up on the same thing over and over again and then being let down every single time. I realize that I just need to accept it for what it is and move my mind away from it. I can't help it so I might as well give up before I get let down again. It ***** but what can I really do or say for it to change.

last night i found out that you still hold a cigarette between your lips and i just want to smack your stupid face for not quitting,
but what hurts me even more is that you didn't offer me yours and i have been thinking of buying one pack myself and drowning myself in pity and coughed smoke/

what i hate to admit is that you look even more beautiful with a cigarette between your fingers but i refuse to go back to my old self, to the old me who loved the boy with no heart, with smoke in his lungs instead of air, the boy with charming smile, because he wasn't even real, it was a person my mind had created in hopes he would become even more beautiful than he already was/

but at least i hope you had fun on new years and i'm thankful that some girl's lips weren't pressed against yours at midnight, but i don't love you anymore, so i don't know why i even care/

but even with smoke in his mouth, i knew i wanted to kiss him and savor his taste, which i only had presumptions of-
maybe his tongue was a mixture of mint and hurricane or strawberries and sun kissed rose pedals or maybe chocolate and rain but i felt dizzy and out of place when the realization hit me that i will never find out how his lips tasted and felt against mine/

I wish you'd hold me even when I push back.

i get notifications
with your name in all bold
and i think of the words that roll off your tongue
the ones only i have heard
forming on your lips
and then all of a sudden
i am thinking of us
limbs splayed across each other
wondering if this is reality
or only something we created ourselves
because when i am here by myself
i find that i am craving you
more and more
and every time i realize that i cannot have you
never in our lifetime
do i start to wonder
what in the hell are we doing to ourselves
that make us lust after one another
when we know how toxic it can be
because i am a tornado and you are a hurricane
and the only thing that will survive
this natural disaster
is heartbreak and debris
of what we once were
and never will be again