everything someone finds beautiful about me
is untrue

in my eyes at least

Earl says he wants to **** the freckles off my face
but in reality its skin damage which seems to have engulfed the human race
with these girls sitting in sun ovens
coming out smelling like a burnt person

why is it in the 5th grade boys didn't like my freckles
and now the internet is obsessed with something i hated about myself

why is it that all of my pain turns into someone's romantic story

having a good memory isn't all it's cracked up to be
yes i can remember most wifi passwords i've entered
every lyric to a song that i've heard more than 5 times
quotes in movies after hearing them once
secrets people told me in the 2nd grade
throwing a flower into the casket of my late grandfather

yes yes i remember all of these pointless facts
maybe i'm good at winning arguments
but in reality i use all of this clutter
to cover up what i really want to hide
not from you
but myself
because some things we cannot forgive
no matter what we learn over time

us humans have trouble forgetting

and then this depression i feel every day
holding me in bed
i feel like i'm trapped in the warmth
because when i get up all i expect is disappointment
and sadness

do you have any idea what that even feels like?
you post all of these stupid depression quotes

but in reality i don't think you understand
because if you were REALLY depressed

you wouldn't want anyone to know you're hurting
no one could understand the hole in your chest that isn't there
the constant sickness that shows no symptoms

and the idea that you can just "get up and get over it"

there is NOTHING romantic about thinking about JERKING the wheel
there is nothing POETIC about wondering how much pain you would feel
if you cut up the stream, not across the river

there is nothing beautiful about mental illness
and no one will understand that

unless they find the day
where they're laying in bed
and they would rather dream of flying
and casting spells on our enemies
maybe saving a whole litter of puppies
in their dreams

where in reality its 3:30 pm and you've been asleep for 14 hours

but that doesn't matter does it?
because in this fake dream i feel better than my real life

i never understood smoking
held my breath around the aroma
said "Smoking *****" to an electronic pack of cigs

I saw the chemicals in the black light
I went to the funeral of my grandfather
death by lung cancer

But you see I think smokers don't care
they're aware of the 10 minutes off of their life
the poison
the WARNING packaging

but 10 minutes off of my life
i don't care

I'm too afraid to cut myself
but a burning cig in my lungs is good enough for now

I sensed I was forgetting something
possibly school work or I left something on

I figured I should go on the internet and see who's birthdays i forgot about

and it was yours

Today is your birthday
I forgot your birthday

I didn't know that something so small could bring me so much
relief
joy

this means that I finally am over you
a calender of your life is no longer singed in my brain
i can't feel the rough creases of your hands on my skin anymore

your lips in my head are just another one on my flirty list
and your boisterous laugh is a distant echo that I can't make out

I thought I loved you
But I was in love with the idea of you
I was in love with your potential

but it is known that nothing flourished
and now that the false love has died in my head

it will also die in my heart

this is how we fall out of love

its a very slow build up
almost unnoticeable

throughout the day you feel off
it seems like you're putting more effort into everything
mentally that is

everything just seems harder
it not difficult
but there isn't any will

you notice you're faking a laugh
and staring off into space

and then it'll hit you

the smallest thing triggers it

maybe breaking a plate
cancelled plans
burning your finger

but sometimes there isn't a trigger at all
it's a tsunami tide that fills your whole body
and you wish you could push the sad away

but it claws its way into your heart
and muffles your brain

nothing is connecting
and all you can focus on
is the sadness
that is overwhelming you

crippling you into a ball on your bedroom floor

shaking your body in the shower

a sadness that you didn't see coming

because
you
don't
know
why

why you can't stop crying
why you're so sad
why your brain won't just work right!!

WHY can't I be happy?
why do I have to put an effort into being happy?

and for a second you understand suicide
because you could stop all of it

for good

i don't know if my mom doesn't know how to be a mother
or maybe doesn't know how to mother me

because she was the first
to tell me i needed to change
instead of telling me to be who i am

i wish she looked at my poetry
and saw how much people enjoyed it
what it brought out in others
whether it be pain
or a laugh

the fact that i can make people feel
with words

but instead it's a sad call for help
a mentally unstable act

i've had countless tell me they were beautiful
that I
was beautiful

and to this day
my mother only says it
when she's drunk or crying

and i still don't believe it

for the first time
since i was 11
i look in the mirror
and i actually like whats staring back at me

i don't know why it took so long to regain
the feeling of self love
and being content with less makeup
or none
in the mirror

i wish i know what could have happened
when i started looking at my little 11 year old body
and thought i was overweight

Oh my god i'm 75 pounds?! i remember thinking

I could blame my mom
or the boys who paraded naked pictures of me
criticizing my changing body in its early stages

i was made fun of for having supple *******
the first girl in my 4th grade class to wear a padded bra

i hated it
every second of my changing body

i started to get curves
and was known for having a "big ****"

and this "best friend" of mine told me she was glad she didn't have one

a boyfriend shot me down
"you can't leave me because no one will want you"

mother and step dad made fat jokes when i was 14
because i'm not obsessive compulsive with my diet

now i look in the mirror and i'm so happy
i love every curve from my arms to my ankles

and my dark brown eyes stare deep into you don't they?
grandma wasn't kidding when she said people would pay
THOUSANDS!! for these lips
and this square jawline has it's perks

i used to get paranoid when people stared at me
until i caught someone
and they told me i was beautiful