my eyes burn
not only because they beg for sleep
but from the tears shed
too many have fallen
not just today
but in my (short) lifetime

my mind is all over the place
i can't fathom my thoughts very well
i don't know what i want or how i feel
i do know i feel alone
although i am not

i honestly love him
and know he's good to me
good for me

you are trouble
yet why do you continue to walk yourself into my brain?
yet why do i reach out to you?
yet why do you respond to my distress calls?

a few months ago
i would take back what we had in a heartbeat

now things are complicated

i don't know if i can trust you
do you only want me now that i'm with someone else?
would you still want me once you regained me?

yet they get even more complex

yes i may still love you
but i am in love with him as well
he's everything i thought he would be and more
but i'm not so sure the "and more" is positive

he is far mor ****** than i ever imagined
he is far more unstable than I could ever guess

i'm unstable
he's unstable
you're unstable

but you are by far the most stable out of us three
and i was the most stable with you
you were my stability
and when you left you took it with you

i cry a lot
i cry when i'm with him
not because he makes me upset or angry or unhappy
but because i am afraid
afraid to hurt him
and cause more unstableness in him
or get hurt
and lose more stability
or that I can't help him
that is my greatest fear

so why did i message you?
and why did you respond?
why am i feeling conflicted when i am in no dilemma what-so-ever?

is it possible to fall in love with someone while still in love with a different someone?

because i believe i have

and i believe i am going insane
possibly from an overdose
an overdose on love

                           -please send help

a.a.

Mental health is not a choice
It becomes a defect
It's visible
Yet everyone remains
Convinced of this new fashion statement
Was my elect
And unstableness
Is my preference
Except here I am
Screaming on the inside
For normal functions
And a stable mindset

I am at constant endurance
For the hurricanes roaring in my head
Crashing into my thoughts
Telling me what is rotting  
Destroying my homes,
Drowning my sanity
Even as I rebuild
I find myself
Falling into the gust of
Cycles that ruin me
Leaving me in defeat
In my decomposing, suffocated brain

Handling paranoia speaking into your ear
Constant talking
You never see
But only feel
Above your shoulder

Then the depression of suicide
Filled with emptiness and questioning
With nothing being real
And you left being numb

Only what follows that
Is the high of a life
Putting you ontop of it
Dangling your feet
But threats of dropping
Start pumping in your blood

Shaking,
Scared of it all
And uncontrollable worries
Make your sorry
You even went high
Gloom in the chase,
Death makes you quiet
Shelter and safe
You escape

Until you are bored and furious
Lashing out with whips
Against your loves
Screaming mindlessly
Wrecking your things
And hurting endlessly

Understand how
Your constant neglect
For the ill minded
And ignorance for the defected
Telling us to **** it up
And how it's our select
Is slowly slaughtering our self worth
In reality
You are the murderer  
Telling us
We are the romantically damaged
Except you omit
the hideous pumping chemicals
They feed us
To satisfy
Your false perception
Of who is sane
And who is to blame
Making us even more crazed

Day in my life
You wouldn't last a second
Try to understand
This cycle never ceases
But will only increase
With your toxins
And my decay

There is no cure
And I am left
Being adhered to this madness
And curving my life
With complicated composure
Of trying to survive
Vicious thoughts
And even more
Blood thirsty people

There is nothing left for you to fix
There is nothing left for you to say
I guess you really did all that
to have everything play out your way.

I was so careless
I was a mess
Somehow my mind you managed to undress
I cared about your happiness
that for a brief moment I left myself behind
In a puddle of distress
In a empty pattern of unstableness.

I was born with wings that you tried to cut through
There was a disguise that prevented me from seeing the real you.
Giving you time to convince me that you cared about me too..
I guess this is your cue...

I guess the last thing I want to say to you is:
I hope the next time
you look a female in the eye,
you select to be true.

walking unsteadily
because of the
unstableness of my mind

my thoughts collide
and any sense i've had
dissolves to form
hard angled pieces
that just don't fit

i can't see straight
i can't focus

all i've known
doesn't make sense anymore

the years collapse
to form an unending stream
of nothingness
that gets ****** down
the drain of my being
leaving me with a vast horizon
of the unknown
   the uncomfortable
    the new

but

offering me an oasis
barely visible in the distance
of inexplicable bliss

and left
hoping for the strength
to reach it.

Sometimes my heart is a strong as a mountain

Other times it shares the unstableness of jelly

Sometimes it can withstand sub zero temperatures

Other times its just not that lucky

Sometimes it makes a coat for itself trying to prove to the world it can cope on its own

Other times...most times it just shivers in the british cold.