If your clients all rescheduled, clap your hands ~clap~clap~
If your clients all rescheduled, clap your hands ~clap~clap~
If your clients all rescheduled, and you never feel quite settled, if your clients all rescheduled, clap your hands. ~clap~clap~

Life is a tiny black x on the calendar,
Wedged between play dates and rescheduled doctors appointments.
2:00 floods into 4:00, until the entire day lies crumpled at the foot of the bed,
Lifeless except for the coffee stain memories of yesterday.
Nothing happens here.
Self questions self, and we all sit criss cross apple sauce on the linoleum floor;
Is this what it means to be alive?
Red and blue parachute above our tiny shoulders,
Mixing with green, yellow, and orange wedges
The same as pizza or convenience store cheesecake.
Outside, noisy blurs of grey and black whir by
Full of passengers too preoccupied with routine to venture
Into the far off world of innocence
That softly plagues everything detached enough to feel it.
Covered in paintings of a reality that's missing all of it's fingers.
Nothing lives here- beyond the faint ripple
Of three o'clock snack time:
Rosy cheeks and small, stubby fingers concealed by apple sauce,
The preservative of youth, it slowly takes on the texture
Of dad's lung cancer-
Dying pigeons rest nostalgically upon city rooftops,
As strangers stop to admire their stagnant beauty,
Crying out acclaim for the regal presence of those
Who can bear to sit still amidst the chaos of an hour:
Cigarette and polyester feathered Madonnas of the modern world-
Installation art at its finest.
Face paint and spaghetti hair
Are only tangible until replaced with something a little closer to
Reality. The American dream sinks to the bottom of a hollow mason jar, as preservatives soak the bones
Of every tiny heart, alive enough to give out at the faintest malfunction.
Dilapidated, our heavy feet tread over spare Lego pieces,
The tiny rectangles push up against our translucent flesh-
Leaving abstract indentations of a city that never was.
Images of the earth projected upon tiny marble surfaces,
Fallen from a cardboard box that was once on isle five,
Impress upon the weary feet
Of strangers, running to throw up beneath the red, green, and yellow windows
Of a Target grocery store.
Nothing grows here, yet we eagerly pluck our wilted produce
From the clammy hands of a metal machine
Programmed one, two, three
To dilute our logic with an even mist of something
Almost like water, but with more promise.
Until, we can easily swallow the bitter pill that
Holds the secrets of the world.

The city of love was shuddered today
A proposal was rescheduled and a sweet gesture silenced
By a scattering of devils who advocate terror & violence
The Mona Lisa wept and the Metro bawled
‘Où est le courage?’
Il n’y avait pas courage
The cowardly men who fought guns against pens
Let them know after all their wrong
The Eiffel tower still remains tall and strong
For it is the liberal views that brought Paris such beauty and wonder
Freedom of speech will rage through the lightning and the thunder

Heaven got so plenty moods
At dawn she's like a sleepy maid
Just awoke, and rescheduled, still,
As she rise from her midnight bed
Dusk is her blushing face
As she sees all the love
Midday she shines bright
As she dances over the sky above
Full moon she sits up there
Her fair skin shining silver light
As she tries to fall asleep
In her gown of deep blue night
Rain can be thrice
In sadness, she sometimes weeps
In joy, she squirts water, playful laughing
Or she brings the water's salvation she keeps
When angry, her wrath masses in clouds
And cataclysms, that storm the land
Fog is a try to cover the world's darkness
As she cups it with a caring hand
Blood moon shows her scars and wounds
That had cut her deeper than any blade
Blizzards rage in her despair
When she cries out with words unsaid
In eclipse, she tries to hide her face
Shame letting her cheeks glow
For even she is not all perfect
Not always she can cover in innocent, white snow
Every girl has, sometimes,her terrible twos
And few enough are of such purity
Heaven is not perfect
But she's made of simple beauty

You didn’t ground me, I’m just hitting a “social speed bump”
The room we share together isn’t messy, it just has “restrictive passage”
You weren’t late coming into my life, you just had a “rescheduled arrival time”
When I lean down to kiss you it isn’t because I’m tall, I’m simply “vertically enhanced”
You aren’t shy, you’re just “conversationally selective”
As much as I say you nag me, you don’t.  You’re just “verbally repetitive”
Yeah I need directions because I don’t get lost, I just “investigate alternate directions”
Yeah I’m falling for you, I think to be politically correct it’s “I love you"

They rescheduled the tater tot party for Saturday
I was tired on Saturday
And I had already eaten hash browns
And they had no ketchup
So I had to decline

You have to pick and choose these days
You can't overcommit
Or you'll burn yourself out

Feb 6, 2014, 11:37 PM
i miss you and i dont know where you are or if you'll even get these i just really hope youre safe and that you know i love you

Feb 6, 2014, 11:39 PM
and i dont know i dont have anyone to talk to so i'll just write to you i hope you dont mind

Feb 6, 2014, 11:42 PM
the formal got rescheduled to next friday (valentines day, blech) and he texted my aunt and she was like "thats okay, that just means you'll have to take her out tomorrow" and i literally laid down on the floor

Feb 6, 2014, 11:45 PM
i miss you

Feb 7, 2014, 1:33 AM
why do people not care about things or other people i dont understand
i dont know
why do people ask questions if theyre not interested in the answer

Feb 7, 2014, 1:34 AM
i hope your night was okay, i really hope you're alright
i love you man, goodnight

Feb 7, 2014, 2:53 PM
so chris told rhea that the only reason he started dating her was so that he could make gabby jealous or something wow

Feb 7, 2014, 10:40 PM
we got chris in trouble i feel so bad and apparently his mom is an alcoholic and like god, i dont even know i just wanna pat him on the head you know

Feb 8, 2014, 3:21 AM
**** i really miss you i hope you come back soon

Feb 8, 2014, 3:34 AM
i think i dont believe in love anymore
like in the way that i can see other people loving something or being in love with someone and that's perfectly okay and i can LOVE people and things but not well enough and i cant be IN love with anyone and i just i dont know anymore i cant tell if im the headfuck or if everyone else is

Feb 8, 2014 3:44 AM
but i love you

Feb 8, 2014 3:44 AM
whether it's me or you or both of us that's a headfuck and even if i dont really know how to be a good friend to you

Feb 8, 2014, 3:46 AM
i love you

Feb 8, 2014, 3:47 AM
always

Feb 8, 2014, 3:48 AM*
i hope one day you're happy

sometimes I think,
sitting in the sad girl seat.
sometimes staring into clouds
into pebbled, light-footed blush
upon the abundant tortured sands -
there whistles hope through hair
and love past whorled ear.
Fate be not proud for thou art wicked expectation.
sometimes I think that thinking is too much.
**** me it will. like the buzzing of filmy insect wings
as if the pressure of that spectral pregnant light -
were the candlestick in the dining room
with Madame Sosostris.  and april is the cruelest month
and depraved may and june and july. and august is just too hot
and september is lonely.
the snake gray seat and the sad girl eyes.
when the pine trees pass
in hundreds in thousands,
along miles and years
and sometimes thinking stops
and sometimes circles back
and I feel small and young.
There was a time,
when legs akimbo and arms
snaked soft, shelled tight, and snailed with hunger
were satisfied and glory held tight
all the multiples of content.
I was old with the heroism of
a mine-filled maze and melting wings.
the temptress, the knave, and the ******
I drew parallels with watery finger paint,
and words fell as if monsoon season
were rescheduled for february -
the cruelest month.
and I rode toward the land of adults,  
the promised land for the moderately free,
triumphant in the high girl seat.
and sometimes I think
that truth is sad
like the day after Christmas.
is sad like the lost boys and
the glory never satisfied
and the sad girl eyes
mocked for their youth
forever dried to  
the sad girl seat.

the sun does not set
automatic

trees of autumn do not
wither away its feathers
immediate

nor do the formation of
old souled clouds, or
the birth of flowers or
even death, even death
nature rots, and molds,
and decay, and spoils,

it all fades.

the childhood of lovers
consumed with these
slow deaths, through-
out the seasons, years
teach a simple moral

when the phone calls
become shorter, when
the meetings are more
meaningless, when the
plans are rescheduled,
they can blame the stars
for never just leaving,
always a subtle wave, or
a whisper goodnight, then
fading into someone else's
window or balcony, (they
have heard this story
before)

you called me and I called
back, you said "we don't
talk much" I agreed, I had
to go and I hung up before
you could've even say bye,

and that's kind of how its been for a while.

I think we underestimate how overwhelming it is,
Unknowingly hiding under absurdism and comedy,
Climbing clockwork cliffs for some inner peace,
Trying to find clarity in the muddled nows of tragedy.

Deep breaths for another duplicate of tonight,
Making sense of waking moments as we see some light.
Asking oneself, "Are these feelings right?,"
Given varied consciousness of the same plight?

Slowly we try to make space for some needed nothing,
Catch some air, look at some greens, and just surrender.
The fleck that challenged the universe started learning,
Be reminded that no one narrative is greater nor lesser.

Tonight is a happening of an ever-changing now,
Live it, ride it, rule it in ways you know how.
Give in to reasoned and reckoned submission,
Walk towards the collision of the warranted delusion.

Today I am so nervous,
I have my first job interview,
That I already rescheduled three times,
I have an honors graduation ceremony,
and my mother will be putting my robe on,
Infront of my peers,
I have a practice before that,
That lasts two hours,
Then I run to my interview,
Then run home to change,
Then be at the ceremony at 6:30
It's a busy day,
and to think,
That tommarow,
I graduate....
maybe tommarow I'll read this poem
and laugh,
I didn't need to be so worried
after all.

It hit me today how much I am in love with you
I didn't know I was until you left
You moved to California for a job
and once I got home from dropping you off at the airport
I noticed your laughter was now nothing but an echo
bouncing off the walls that holds conversations we had on Saturdays
where we stayed up all night drinking talking about
every heartache we each suffered in our young lives
When you told me a month ago you were leaving
I was happy for you
I knew how much you wanted to get out of town and
make something out of yourself
I told you that California was lucky to have you because
it was about to get a heart that is full of so much wonder and love
You asked me to go with you
I told you that sometimes friends have to let each other go
I remember you looking sad when I said that
I couldn't understand why you would be sad though
It wasn't until I went into the kitchen to make dinner
I called for you so you could list off ideas on what to eat
After I said your name out loud and you didn't answer
my heart broke
It was then I had flashbacks of every moment we shared together
All of the good and the bad
you were here for everything
When I got stood up on that date last February
you were there to take that idiot's place
so that I wouldn't feel stupid
When I had anxiety attacks
you stayed up until four in the morning
sacrificing sleep for work just to make sure I was alright
When my parents divorced
you were the glue that held my heart together
When I had the flu for a week
you stayed over watching *** In The City with me
in your pajamas while we ate soup that you made from scratch
What got me though was the memory of you and I
sitting outside smoking a cigarette and out of nowhere
you sang that Mayday Parade song "Even Robots Need Blankets"
and I thought you were singing it because
you know how much I love that song but
now that I think about it you were singing it TO me
You were telling me how you felt and I was too blind to see
what was right in front of me
When I came back to reality I had to call you
I went to my bedroom to grab my phone and that's when I found it
I found a plane ticket with a note
The ticket was to California
I opened the note and with shaky hands I read it
It said

"Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I could ever do considering how much I am in love with you. I left you this ticket because I can't enter this new chapter in my life without the person who makes me fearless. That person is you. As you read this note I am sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight that I rescheduled. The time I have should match the time on your ticket. I am waiting for you. Please change your mind and come with me."

I checked the time
I had twenty minutes to get to the airport
I grabbed my phone, my purse and my keys to leave for California
with my soulmate before it was too late

My history is T.V.
The closest thing
I had to a family
Was sadness
Loneliness
Tangled in strings
Of madness
And dreams

One life missed
Rescheduled to fit
My favorite shows
And the tumor
Of regret grows
As I wrinkle my nose

Skin twitching
Body aching
With isolation
And regret
For lovers never met
Chances never taken
Paths I never walked
Water never treaded

I dreaded real life
Because it hurt so much
All the violence
All the abuse
Took so much
Didn’t leave enough
Wisdom and courage
To hope for happiness

And all the resolve I had left
Was to watch my life
In a funhouse mirror
Playing out weekly
With the tv families

Today will be the day,
Everything comes this way.

Surging through these veins,
A proactive antidote to pain.

Arisen with fresh eyes,
Loosened yesterday’s ties.

The face of change is smiling,
Self value is no longer compromising.

Shaken off the lethargic slime,
Been rescheduled to prime time.

Lost the identity of a schlep,
Bounce rediscovered in the step.

Self-given a new meaning,
Opportunities are teeming.

No longer engulfed in sorrow,
Tomorrow is a new tomorrow.

Used to bes are temporarily on hold like the plans cancelled or rescheduled
It will end eventually
You will continue as you were or are but more grateful
Perhaps a new path will unfold
The nights are long with bumps and side effects
The days are filled to the brim schedules and overflowing with getting on with it
Hold on
Holding on to each other
Just want you happy and healthy again
Seeing you in pain even temporarily makes it hard to dream
I dream of better days ahead when sleep finds me
Hold on

C@rainbowchaser 2023

really? the 502 bad gateway pass is this, this low?
title: itchy
body: fun bit(s).... well no wonder H'america
is becoming a... *******!

for once in my life: i don't feel like writing,
mein gott: it has been for almost forever since
i felt like this...
i know that i can't love like a teenage boy,
i know that i can't love like a older boy in his
20s... for a while now i've been surprised
when women in the supermarket or in the street
tell their children: mind the man... the MAN...
wow... well... isn't that a shocker...
i'm a man all of a sudden... "all of a sudden"...
all it took was fitting the proper frame
and growing a beard: it would seem...
i remember this one Egyptian fwend in high-school
boasting that he had ****** hair at the age of
16 while i had ***-fluff...
he would scrape his stubble against a piece
of paper with what i supposed to be a hard-on
he'd later have to relieve in the bathroom
when one girl would lift up her skirt and expose
a little bit too much thigh...
then again... he also boasted about getting wet
dreams... don't know... i was ******* from
the age of 8...
but i seriously don't feel it in me to write...
i just want to talk to Jemma...
for once, in a long while... today's the 10th...
the 14th of February...
i'm actually thinking about dropping her a Valentine's
card... and... no... no roses...
i was thinking of yellow tulips,
then i looked into the whole affair... a potted plant...
bit like looking into the "logic" astrology...
or the zodiac... what's the meaning of
giving someone an orchid?
   ****... there are different meanings behind
what colour the orchid is?
white... no... yellow, no... red... now...
    blue... a blue orchid... left in the middle
of the night merging the 13th with the 14th of
February, so she wakes up and leaves the house
and... hey presto! there's an orchid outside
of her front door...
as much as i boast of having a heart of stone...
i'm ******* mush...
yeah... she's a single mum... she has a psychotic
disorder... she apparently beat her previous
             paartner... circa 20 years her junior...
so she's a mad, cougar...
but she's one of those dark ginger types...
petite...
             and when it comes to love... beggars can't
be choosers...
**** me... the butterflies are back...
just merely thinking about her...
i was supposed to meet her today... we rescheduled
for tomorrow... i'm so eager to give her
a bottle of my homemade wine...
and a self-baked banana loaf with walnuts...
i messaged her today: well i have this backlog of
washing to do...
i need to change the bed-sheets too...
it has been 3 weeks and i feel like i'm ***** when
i get up in the morning...
     for the thirst... sorry... for the first time in my life
i don't really feel like going
to the brothel...
around her i'm as silent as a grave, although still
retaining a casual conversation authority...
i'm working for this security company now
and... the girls are at it...
all of them are jealous of her...
****'s sake... like high school all over again...
since i started dating the tallest and the most popular
girl in school... i can't even begin to imagine
what the back-stabbing was like back then...
she's a mad cougar ***** with a 11 year boy in tow...
what am i doing?
what anyone infatuated does: beggars can't be
choosers... it's ******* silly but my entire
abdomen is screaming while cramped up
with those ******* butterflies: yes! yes! yes!
i'm getting paranoid with her since i don't know
what my position in the company is going to look
like... after the fact that she tried to get me fired
for insinuating that i might be drunk
on the job... well i do drink... but on the job
i'm all 20:20 vision hawk-eyed...
                  merely associating with her could land
me in deep water...
but i can't stop being loved up...
only a few days ago i asked to be paired up with her
doing a shift: Fulham vs. Millwall...
it was a treat... Millwall fans? rowdy lads... sure...
i don't know how they were in the stadium
while watching the match... but outside?
perfectly sensible creatures...
     one... who attained grandfather-hood on
the day said to me: oi oi! Adolf ******* ******...
you're not walking, you're marching...
what's with you and your hands behind your back?!
well... because i do march...
best to give off a sense of authority and look
intimidating than look sheepish and get into
scruffy ******* over minor things with football fans...
plus i was with a girl...
so... even she started to worry at some point...
when a bunch of them were leaving the stadium
and chanting... 'you're alright?'...
sure... why do you ask?
'oh, i was worried, because there were 20 of them
and only 1 of you, i know they wouldn't
do anything to me...'
sure... maybe i should be out looking for
some pretty 19 year old... childless...
        but i'm thinking...
                      she's 4 years my senior...
i die at the age of 79... i'll give her at least the 4 years
down the line to follow me...
plus there's the colt to think about...
how could i pass on shrapnel pieces of my consciousness
onto him...
how i managed to force myself as little as much
i don't know...
i'm already moving the conversation in the direction
of psychology: which she expressed an interest in -
i've taken a picture of the time
i wanted to bring round a mango chicken curry
for her and her son, with stone-baked flat breads...
oh well: read the caption as i gulped the curry down...
a picture of a friendship i have with my cat...
my foot showing with him sitting on the windowsill,
a picture of my books... stacked on shelves
from the floor to the ceiling, telling her:
the Romford public library only surprised me
with a copy of Thomas Mann's Doctor Faustus...
- of course she doesn't know she has met like for like...
obviously i haven't told her about my psychotic
breakdown when i was 21...
i mean, how do you say: and i went into a church
back in 2007... heard a choir singing hauntingly...
but no one was there, then i heard a great wind
disperse it?!
10 years down the line and i still haven't
recovered from the shock... that's why my 20s
are sort of... "missing"...
"lost" to philosophy books, to books on the topic
of psychiatry and being a recluse in general...
only come the age of 35 i rebounded finding
some hidden past of me...
being a people's person, extroverted to the best
of my ability... as a man...
- but my god, the girls have stagnated...
all this stereotypical talk about how girls are mature
than boys and that they mature much earlier...
BULL... ****...
utter and complete: *******...
no they don't, they just get worse!
they're ******* in that respect...
   maybe, just maybe... when they reach the age
of being considered grandmas... but even
then: i don't believe it...
they're backstabbing bickering *******!
   they all think they're in a ******* harem or something...
hey! Solomon! which one you're having
tonight?!
you know what i mean? which of the 1001 are going
to do lesbian **** flicks and use the *****
why the queen of Sheba gets your warm pulsating
**** up her oyster *****?!
i can't believe it... it's a ******* headache...
i didn't see / hear so much of this female-on-female
action in high-school... lucky me:
i was a chubby kid up to the age of 16
but then i lost a lot of weight and grew my hair long
and put it in a French braid from time to time
and still ignored the girls: until the most popular
one approached me...
what did i miss? oh... not much...
now, come to think of it: i'd wish i was a recluse
one more... seeing how female politics works...
i don't want to see it... prized ******* bull...
well yeah: "lucky me"... being a Taurus and all...
the single mums just: LINING UP to have a go...
cut my testicles off and call me Cindy
for all i care... since... these girls are past
their reproductive prime...
i'm not risking impregnating them to later
have to deal with a child with birth defects...
there's enough misery in this world for me to *******
add to it...
- what did i do today? the washing... changed the bed
sheets... drank a little... no wonder i'm feeling groovy...
and... watched: the Rise of the Planet of the Apes...
whether it's a remake or not... whatever...
the story of Caesar...
when he says: NO! and stops using sign language...
i ate an apple and a whole packet of grapes
while thinking about: the lost benefits of
being an ape, of having ape strength...
seems rather pointless...
after all... King Kong could beat the living **** out
of Godzilla...
eh? why did we evolve?
to make music? bird songs not enough?
     pay taxes?
            build roads in order to pointlessly commute
to pointless jobs?
well... security... crowd control...
i admit... you don't need a high score IQ...
to do... you just need to be able to read a crowd...
i call it "work" but after doing roofing...
after studying chemistry... it's work it's loitering it's
"work"... period...
if being polite and telling people good afternoon,
good evening have a safe journey home is work...
then i could be a porter at ******* Harrods...
sure... there are some gems in this profession...
skin-heads that giggle and shine like Down Syndrome
   constellations when seeing violence...
but then there's me...
ooh... juicy... i can use that: to write about it...
i don't mind crowd control...
i don't even mind the hooligans...
i am yet to receive ill treatment for being a...
the Millwall fans... what did they say?
traffic-cone... being a... ditto...
- that shift we done though.... finally! a girl that
likes rummaging with dates in
graveyards... she might be mad...
but like i told her, a quote from Charles Bukovski...
'some people never go mad...
what horrible lives they must lead...'
it was like a first date, i bought her coffee...
she got an extra free burger...
we sat on the bench... the moon was nigh...
a pristine night...
           i hope i can pull this off for as long as i can:
not revelling in my life-story...
but i already know that one of our coworkers
is an alcoholic - self-professed,
another self-harms: because she's a ****
and men look at her and think she's a man
while she sits in the car and fakes off
having a cold while in actual fact she's sad as hell
for being treated like a man and not a woman...
snotty girl... sure... **** her up and she'd almost
remind me of one of my exes...
the plight of women mis-gendering themselves
on purpose... to "fit in with the lads"...
but beneath all that veneer... a scared deer....
you sort of stop and wonder...
when will you stop?
well, if you won't stop...
i can already do all the things a housewife ought
to be capable of doing...
what now? do i cut your arms and legs off...
blind you... leave you as a reproductive torso
and a head like in that horror movie:
Bone Tomahawk?
what use, are the women, to men.... right now?
if i can cook a ******* curry...
what's tomorrow? Friday... fish day...
Pescetarian Day... well... i'm thinking of mushroom
noodles with salmon steaks... teriyaki style...
if i can clean the house by myself?
why would i need saber-tooth nails and a body
that i might only utilise to ****?!
that... most probably would be fickle about
the ******* bit?! pleazzzze.... snooze... endear me:
illuminate me! what's the point of a woman?!
well, i sort of know...
the presuppositions, the precursors,
the pre-emptive(s)... everything pre- pre- pre-, pre-:
before it even happens... the anticipation
dynamic ...there's never an "in it" modus operandi...
i'm only feeling what i'm feeling because
i'm anticipating something that... is being stalled...
point being... at some point she's going to stop
stalling, and i'll be like:
and now you've come to a realisation
that, i'm "somehow" worth it?
by then i'll be saying: o.k.: bye, buddy bye bye, bye...
that's how reality checks work...
they don't magically bounce away from debit
towards credit... it's either there: or it ain't...
now i know what it feels to be called by a woman
telling her child: mind the MAN...
so this is, what it feels like...
i can get used to this...
for the next 20 years being still in my prime...
i'm not waiting for something worse thn
death... i.e. old age...
i'm ******* off when the nearest and dearest
left to me are gone... i'm not waiting...
i'm ******* off this ******* carousel...
       i want to die when i still feel significant ...
given... no one bothers old people for wisdom these days...
what am i going to do?
spend the last days of my life
eroding my memory cinema with daytime
television quiz shows?!
    sure... sure... and if i enlarge one of my eyes
by dilating the size of it with my index
asking you: do you see a ******* tram going your way?!
will you say, yes?!
it's a free-for-all... no?

  euthanasia my ******* ***... i never heard so much
crock-of-**** in... well... maybe i'm reincarnated...
besides the point! i'm not hearing it here,
i'm not hearing it now...

    time's a sort of a public that doesn't
have the capacity to spend.

I cleared my crusty eyes with Visine after a half hearted attempt
to better clean up the mess made of my glass ***** of heart.


Stammered pockets of red hot sauce have been ladled into our
signature oak-barrel bed spread.


So, in everyone's best interest, breakfast has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning, and we will be happy to see if you're not dead.

He thinks I’m pretty,
even though he fell asleep
when we were supposed to hangout.
I can let it slide this time
because he still had me
kicking my feet and smiling
like an idiot.
I read up on his horoscope
as most girls with a crush do,
and was pleased to find we are
very compatible.
I am going to be filled with
butterflies all day
because we rescheduled for tonight.

when i turned eighteen
you didn't show up
the year before that too
you didn't come
said you were too busy
to swing by
work too much
didn't have time

but as soon as your baby
turns eight
you make the time
you save the date
we made plans to go out
but you shut them down
rescheduled so you
could be around

when i graduated
you said nothing to me
four years of your
constant degrading
i did my best
and you still raged
i was a burden
if i didn't obey

told me i was
tearing your family apart
spit in my face
and stomped on my heart
pressed down on me
if my head got too high
my happiness seemed
to be your demise

i wish i knew
what i could've done
i hate that i hate you
and have since i was young
hate that you forget me
and ignore my rights
feels like i've never had family
that i'm just a hiccup in your life

It all begins today. First, Happy 18th Birthday Liane! You're now 18, time sure does fly fast. And I'm happy I got to spend 6 from those 18 years with you (still hoping that i get to spend more with you). How do I say this; it all begins today. Everything, every moment before this day, are now memories of a past you. All the good and bad ones, all the lessons each one gave; I hope you remember and cherish them all. It all begins today. A new beginning, a new chapter in your life. But, who even said that being 18 is when a girl turns into a lady? You were a lady even before. You know your worth, you were mature enough to know things of value to you. You know what you want, and you know what to do to achieve what you want. You were always a lady. A very great one. You know how to take care of yourself, you know what you want in life. You have dreams, you want to achieve those dreams. You are smart, thoughtful, responsible, and most importantly; you are beautiful inside and out. It's true. You are a great friend. And, I hate to use the past tense of the word but, you were a great girlfriend, you are caring, loving. Yes, you have your share of bad qualities, but you know how to acknowledge them and learn from them. That's how great you are. And I do believe that you are bound to do great things. You are precious Liane. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It all begins today. The part where I say thank you for showing me your true self. Your unbiased and biased self. You taught me things that I never knew or neglect enough to even know about it. You opened channels within me, that started growth. You sparked inspiration in me to do things that I never have imagined doing. You helped me grow and made me fall at times too. But you still held my hand during those times and pulled me up once more. We had our fair share of bad times, bad moments where we, more likely, I broke ourselves. But as time goes by being with you then, you help me realize my bad habits, my bad qualities. You helped me change for the better.

Why am I saying this despite of what I did? I will never deny that what I did is wrong. And it really questions the love I have for you then. It was a concious decision that I've made, it was no accident. I was aware of the risks. And yet, I still did it. I still managed to look at someone else.

But, it all begins today. That's what I tell myself everyday that passes after what happened. No matter what I do, I know I have this strong love for you. So, I told myself to wait. It all begins to day. Everyday I say that, because every day is a new beginning. A new opportunity to either stand still or change, and it's your choice what to pick. For me, I choose the latter.

It all begins today, Liane. Everyday is a new start for you, for all of us. Never be let down by the mistakes of yesterday but do learn from them. Apply what you learned to the todays and tomorrows that you will face. For we cannot change the past, but the past can help us make our future. You are a great person. I believe in you.

It all begins today. I was supposed to write this message in line with the end of your upcat exam, but the weather permitted otherwise. But the message is still there. It all begins today, you know what you want to do in life. The things you want to achieve. Go and achieve them, don't let anyone tell you that you can't. If you believe and put your heart into it. Go and find out in the process if you really can. If you could, everything was worth it, if in the end you can't; it's still worth it, for you have learned something about yourself. Never think about wasting time on things that others think is a waste of time. If you want to do it, or you love doing it; why would it matter what everyone else says? Do it for yourself, not for others. Do what makes you happy.

It all begins today. The UPCAT being rescheduled, it's a new beginning. Go and face every new beginning with an open heart and mind. Bank on your strengths as a person, acknowledge weaknesses and learn from them. It all begins today.

With all these said, please accept these small bought, and made gifts. I was supposed to give the box and highlighters before, when I first asked you if we could meet before I go to UP. Anyway, please accept these gifts, they're not much. I really **** at handcrafted gifts, I wanted to make it look good for you; I hope you can bear with it. They're words unsaid, but I wrote for you. For words are my only way of making you feel my presence. That I'll always be here for you. I know I'm but a nobody right now and who am I to even make and give such gifts, but I do hope you like them.

I love you Liane. And I miss you so much. I will always be here. Always loving you from afar. Remember, it all begins today.