Cleavage,  Oh, what wounder!
Full and Round!
Soft and ****!

Like a bouquet of flowers!
Fregrant & beautful,
meant to be admired.

Properly displayed,
In color and lace,
So wounderfully feminine!

A cavern of love,
She captures my attention,
And releases my desire.

Add just a smile!
Even a hint of one,
a powerful potion is revealed.
Cleavage with a Smile!

A great and powerful man,
under her **** spell.
hoplessly mesmerized,
by Cleavage with a Smile.

Don't look away!
Don't be offended!
be kind, add a smile.
Cleavage With a Smile!

I oh so desperately wish to be noticed
i'm tried of being a shadow
lurking behind you

I wish to be shiny, like sliver in the sun
i wish to shine bright
like a bullet in a gun

I wish to be loud and heard
like an scream in a tunnel
I wish my voice could ring in the ears of many

I wish to be someone
anyone that isn't me

I no longer wish to be dim shadow lurking behind everyone silently
I wish to be a loud spontaneous light
exploding in front of everyone
like a firework
who's embers never fall back down

You asked me to draw a heart on your face,
But for me it is a sign of my love,
That would mean close contact,
While that excites me it makes me nervous too,
The truth is no matter what I still dream of you,
You have magical powers to lighten up my day,
Feelings though may not be returned,
You have another girl to caress,
To hold close,
To kiss,
To love,
And I don't really matter,
I'm just some girl who is hoplessly in love,
I'm just a girl,
Nothing special,
But she must be,
Because she has you.

Distract me now
if only for a few seconds
let this chaos keep kicking up the dust
continue the scattering and never let it settle.
Distract me again
just a couple minutes longer
let pulsing veins feed the beating which is cracking open my heart
the same heart that enclosed you now sets you free.

Distract me Divert me Detour me from this jaded circle I'm Spinning.

Be my decoy.

I've freed you, but who can free me?
now so entangled, so trapped, I forget how to see.
These artist's hands smeared with the shades of shame
This poets dreams only dungeons of deep doubts and disapointments
and I can sense the echo of it's bass in the hollow of my soul
and feel how the erosion of silent suffering has made a shallow hole

Distracted too long
and not even the phoenix song
can raise my spirits from this new-found gravity.
This pressure creates a wave of liquid fire
threatening to burn me with flames to inspire
but without hope, these dreams, these hands, cannot hold what they desire

Hoplessly distracted
and time spent wasted seems exponentially extended.
The spell of worry and hesitation has overcast my mind
letting the gloom sink the sunshine.
Selfishly baiting negativity, I wore a mask. I pretended.

Distract the demon this time,
hold him off as long as you can
to escape his hold on me is my only plan
feed me full of courage, strength and wisdom, I want my belly to ache
and maybe then my voice can make his grip slip and this earth quake.
the ground will shake, this mask will break, opening my senses to the universe that I can make.


07.08.2009
M.Mutch.

What I want is
To  s
          l
              i
                  p
and f
        a
        l
        l

come hoplessly tumbling    V
sometimes its just too hard
to keep standing
to keep holding       ^

just want to go to sleep
and live with my dreams

and never wake     ^

but that would be
too easy, cowardly

so I choose to keep looking   ^
- Vijayalakshmi Harish
         05.09.2012

Copyright © Vijayalakshmi Harish

You put me to the side
left me useless and defenseless
slone against the world
feeling unloved and unwanted.

Although you said it wasn't me
what else am I suppose to think
how else am I suppose feel
where am I suppose to turn?

What happened to your promises
your declarations and undying devotion
promising never to hurt me
yet you hurled them back at me.

All I wanted was to love you
give you my unconditional love
offer my heart on a silver platter
be "hoplessly devoted to you."

I remeber long nights
With your plaid button downs
Always with the first button undone
And your white T-Shirt underneath always brightend the hazel in your eyes

Memories of Germany danced on your lips
How I wanted to taste them...
The longing still holds on the end of my tongue

Car rides were always needed
But I never minded sharing them with you
Conversations of endless nothings and you didn't know I was falling hoplessly in love with you.

You may not have had the blue eyes I dreamed of as a little girl
But they looked to me like how I looked at shooting stars
The dead of night always ran through your hair as my mind ran circles around itself chasing those cosmic wonders

And there may not be a sequence to this poem
But thats how you made me feel
Out of order
Maybe a little out of place
But when I looked to you, you knew of all the wishes I spent on those shooting stars

Listen to me when I say that we have a choice
There was a time in my life I dreamed of my own bleeding heart
Spurting insignificant blood, just another body on this planet, just another ****** watery existence soaking up Earth’s resources, love from others like a water bottle with no bottom where everything just feels empty at the end of the day, being idle and quiet on the outside with a storm raging on the inside, unable to make sense of everything- so incredibly overwhelmed by the immense pain surrounding me and so incredibly disconnected from the person I used to be- one who truly believed in her own power and the power of those around her.
When I lost my strength and my belief, I lost my understanding that I can make a difference
Who I am today is different than the person I was a year ago, and while that shakes my bones
What keeps me alive is knowing that for every bad thing I have done, there is more good
For every mistake I have made, there are successes
We can’t live our lives focused on our downfalls
Or we will only fall down
We must as Denzel says “fall forward”
I spent too much time allowing thoughts like I didn’t deserve a place on this earth to win over all good thoughts
Triumphed in the battle of wits
All mixed up and twisted in my mind
Chasing momentary happiness and fulfillment, never finding it in smiles and moments of joy because a  heavy cloud was drowning my head with rain....but ive always loved rain
In the chaos of a world filled with turmoil, chaos, injustice, and fear
We live in between each other
Avoiding stares
Avoiding each other
Unless we need something from another
In the margins of each other’s lives
And here, in a country where we have the money and the time and the energy to make a difference
We drain ourselves emotionally down black holes of our own worlds
It’s amazing the way that movements are sparked based on one root idea
It spreads like fire and in so many directions
From one original piece
Like the “all you need is love” and you may say im a dreamer but im not the only one
Dreams are incredible things, if only we use them to create a better tomorrow
Instead of hoplessly helplessly waiting for tomorrow to come to us
We all live so selfishly
And I know this from my own selfish beating heart
But my beating heart tells me that I am here for a purpose so far beyond money, success, and even personal growth

Personal is absolutely important, but until we completely forget ourselves
Sacrifice and surrender ourselves to the issues at hand
That is when and only when we can truly make a difference
When we are determined
To take action today, and know that the seeds we plant will not grow those fruits tomorrow
But that we can imagine farther down the line that the world will be a better place
And knowing that future generations can make a bigger impact after that

I believe we are all system busters
There is so much wrong in the way we work
And constant reminders of the pain, suffering, tyranny, and sadness in the world
And if we turn a blind eye to that and continue to be fogged up by our own sadness and pain
We will become walking zombies
We are all walking zombies
Here for a mission
To make our lives mean so much more than individual relationships, control, and power
We are here to love each other, to stand together, to grow community and laugh in the face of despair
The only way we are ever going to get out of this perpetual darkness is if we awaken in ourselves the most positive, the one who believes in every action making a change
For it is only when we believe we are makng a change that we can
It is only when we lose hope that all hopes of change are lost


And I sometimes think I am insignificant
In the sea of voices echoing each other
We need to hear your story,
we need every voice
We need every single heart
For every movement
And you might feel connected to many movements
But the only way to make those movements stay powerful is if your voice is heard
So we want to hear you
and we need your ears to listen
to take a backseat

I know what it feels like to look around east and west and for miles it feels like no one will listen to your truth
Or you feel like your truth is unimportant
Or you feel like giving up all hope in yourself that you can make that difference
But we are only powerful as we
If we can lose ourselves in each other, if we can give to each other the gift of believing


I have been hanging onto negative words and emotions like they are the only things I really have
Facing my demons every single day
Who tell me that my life is not worth living
That my heart is evil
That my words are empty
That my soul is ingenuine and manipulative
Whispers to me that I do not deserve to be here
Whispers to me that no one really likes me
Tells me my mistakes
And yells at me for waking up

So when I finally get some quiet and peace is when I am asleep, then I live in my dreams
I am relieved of the burden of being human
And those aren’t better places but they are escpaes, because no matter what happens there
I do have to face it once I wake up

and here i am, awake, and open, and trying
to face today
with the hope
and the strength to fight

I found myself, lying hoplessly on the couch
Waiting for you to come back in
Don't you see
If you leave
Who will be my only friend?

Monday is still asleep,
Tuesday tries to wake him gently,
when she can.
Wednesday doesn't know what to think,
he's very emotional.
Thursday councils him to no avail.
Friday is quite a handful,
but a cute one,
for she is the baby.
Saturday tries to be a "good boy"
yet he doesn't even know what that is.
Sunday, well, she is a stay at home mom,
that lost her husband to a war way back when. She prays day and night that
her children will have good lives,
but she does not believe it is possible.

January is the oldest of the months,
though he doesn't really care.
February is a hoplessly lost romantic.
March is lucky, but far too realistic for her taste. April dances across the lawn
in the rain
and smiles all the time,
even when she is not happy in the slightest.
May is haughty and he doesn't get it.
June sings songs outside of July's window,
he is trying to win her heart.
August, the loner,
does well in school and carries a million issues. September secretly loves him,
but is too shy to say.
October the prankster pranks us all
but never gets into trouble.
November is thankful
for the tears and laughs alike
but not for himself.
As for myself,
I am December,
they say I am low-key with a heart of gold,
but I think not.

In a way we are a family
and we mean the world to each other.
Though we do not share the blood,
we fight,
we cry,
we bleed,
we tear each other apart
when the moment feels right.
One day people will know
just who we are, but for now,
I guess this is as good as it gets.

I am hopeless for you
Hoplessly in love, so much
Don't leave me alone please

I walk down a foggy corridor where I find a door
Light beams shine through its slits piercing the air
I reach for the door and great darkness seeps into the air
As I walk hoplessly in the endless night
A dim sliver of warm sunlight finds my hand
Walking towards it, this dim light shines brighter in the dark than all the stars in the sky

Hoplessly waiting

Carelessly flaunting

All i want to do is feel something

The sunshine and storm

are the package he came with.

I felt in love

hoplessly and unconciously with him.

Because of him

I unwillingly tasted

the true heart break

and the sorrow of falling in love, being in love and falling out of love.

My first love, him.

Now i'm scared of falling in love...

i hoplessly, endlessly wonder why. everything is lost, a somber toss of peace into the fray. No light of day to guide me down the wondering paths that once lead us, fed us on dreams and aspirations. when it happens, it happens fast. winds change. tides turn. yet, as if in a fit of unconscious reverie , my pen continues to flow. a constant stream of thought. endlessly slipping truths wrapped in lies, endless lies wrapped in crisp undeniable truth. broken thoughts .... good intentions .... half lives lived untill they fade to black.

If you shatter me you could see right threw me.

If you cared to look, you would find
The decay of my heart manifesting on the floor.

If you cared to look you would see my hands,
Drawn thin and white knuckled

Grasping

Grasping for you

---

A nest of small tinder laying in a blackened pit,
Surrounded by large blocky logs

A small spark-
So small even the tinder barely feels it,
Prods itself deep into the nest.

It grows it's own angry roots,
It flickers them up the pile,
It consumes the nest in its
Small chance of survival.

It is overbearing.

So let me dash the fire with my fist-
Inhale the aroma of a chance-
Burn myself upon my hope.

---

A lost boy wanders in the woods,
Hoplessly lost without a clue what to do
He wanders eternally.

---

A young woman is curled upon her run down sofa,
Numbly wondering why his name can't get out of her head

She likes him
A lot
She just can't bring herself to spark a fire
She won't call his name
She closed herself off...
Again
-

A young man sits dumbfounded on the floor in the center of his room.
He can't understand why,
Why she won't feel the same

His passion is tender and transparent and his hope is ever-grasping

His soul is lost without guidance
His heart is lost without love.

-

So why must our love be broken my sweet...

These are the days im gonna miss
All these late night phone calls
Just because i couldn't stop thinking of you
All these long texts trying to explain my feelings
All these emotions racing through my brain
Trying to find someone to numb the pain
Failing hoplessly
But still having enough in me to get back up
Yeah these are the days we are gonna miss
When we are old and sitting alone reminiscing
These are the days we are gonna come to
All these long texts
phone call
Pains
Gains
Fail
Victories
All of them
Im gonna miss them

My heart never so open
To breaking
My soul never so ready
For the taking
I am hoplessly fallen
Given to madness
Sickly in love
Dreaming
Dreaming dreams
In my every breath
In and out
Another dream
Of you
I keep falling
As I've fallen
Through time
And logic
Only madness
Crashing through
The floor
And earth
No stopping
My descent
Fallen to these dreams
Begging for realease
Break my soul
And take my heart
My life
My love
My inspiration
All yours
For the talking

Its raining hard outside
And I should slow down
The roads are wet and dangerous
But I'm already a wreck inside
And I'm madly desperate to reach you
It's cold out there in the dark
And it's raining from my eyes
It's flowing like a river
And its already begun to flood
I'm drowning in ever moment
I'm breathing it in with every breath
And I'm just dying to tell you...
I'm just dying to say it...
And I can't...
I want to end every message with it...
I want to start and end every poem with it...
Write it on every leter of every line and all the space inbetween...
Stuff it in every sound of every word...
But I'm hoplessly afraid of it...
It is living and singing and dancing in my heart
And it has made all things beautiful
And I don't know what to do with it
And I don't know how to handle it
All I can do is watch and listen
As it repeats the same
Three words
Over and over again
And I try to repeat along
But nothing comes out
Accept the ache
And pain of it
That beautiful hurt
Right before my
Heart breaks

I spend countless hours trying to prove myself worthy of your love, your appreciation. But you never see. You never do. Well you do see, but you're playing blind and deaf to all this. Oh how I crave for your affection and acceptance. Why am I never enough? All those embarrassment in front of other people, even behind my back. I just wish you'd tell me you love me, be cause I've never heard that before, maybe I'd believe it. I am not perfect, yes I know. But I hop I'm enough. I am trying to be perfect for you. All things I do shall be perfect. Thats what I keep in mind. For you. All these artworks, writings, all you wanted me to do. I try to perfect them just so maybe you'd take a second look and make up for my meaningless existence. But you never do. I've heard you compliment me but I've never felt it. It was just to say something. Blather. You'll never be one with us, you said. And that's when I confirmed that I was just a stay in in this house. You're obliged to do this things not because you want to. Is it because I'm a mistake? You still keep that. I hope you'd know everything happens for a reason. I was meant to be here. To be with you. I was meant. With all that's happening to me lately, I'm slowly exposed to this world that's called reality. I see people and know their story. I understand some part of it and what makes them. I hope our can see you this too. I just want to hear you say I am enough and I'd believe it. I'd convince myself if I finally hear you say it. Because since I gained awareness of where I stand and what you see in me, I've long that since. You know, someone said I was enough. And I believed it, I'm still having doubts because how can I be enough for a person I still barely know and not be enough for you whose womb I've homed? And speaking of which, we are currently slowly loosing contact and she doesn't know I need her most. I want to tell her I'm sorry because I neglected her needs as a partner, to make her feel better, important and how foolish of me to think that she doesn't need assurance, that it will always be red. Everyone needs assurance. And I was too blinded by my own sadness and problems about us clouded my mind. I never realized the person willing to cope up with all my chaos standing right in front of me, making me feel important is feeling alone and unimportant as well. Well, I just want to tell her she's important and I mean that. I am blessed I have her in my life and I don't want her gone. She makes me feel at home in her arms than this house ever sheltered me. I don't know if its still going to work that's I say she's important because she posted a poem saying she doesn't feel it. Well I hope she does when I tell her. Because I really do. And my life's already a mess and she makes me forget all about that but right now, us not talking to each other worsen it. Like her, I just want to feel important as well and we found each other and I'm being a **** not actually making her feel it. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, I never got this trait from you, humility to seek forgiveness. Choke on pride. And now I feel like I've unlocked it. Its always been dad's trait. And I hope I'll always be like this. I hope she accepts my forgiveness because I really am sincere. Its always her who puts her walls down before I do. An I want to change that trait. I hope you do too. With your siblings. But I am  nobody to tell you that. You won't listen, I'm just a child after all. You know, my brother threatened to **** me, the blade of the butchers knife is an inch away from me, all because I asked him to return his toys and to throw away his wrappers after eating. What a simple task to trigger such foolish temper. In that moment, I didn't know what to do, I don't even know if he'd do it. It never occurred to me, that I don't trust anyone in this house. I don't know him fully. He was your pet, and yes I will say it because its true. Everything I do, I get mocked and teased by you both and dad never knew me. He wasn't here all the time. I barely see him a day. And he says I'm his favorite. If he knew me, would I still be his dearly beloved princess? I don't really know. The only person I trust is this girl I've met months ago. She was wonderful. We fit so much. I don't want her to see my chaos at first, but I let her in. I trust her and I hope she'll learn to trust me too. It bothers me that she won't let me trust her fully. What's love without trust? 'I trust you' is bigger to me than 'I love you'. Oh and yeah, we're together. As I was saying, the blade made me weak and I realized I was never really ready for death as I claimed to be.I'm weak. I was scared. Though it came to my mind to have thought of suicide many times I just don't have the guts to do it. Self harm is not really an option to me. If you want to die, die instant. Don't tease death as you slit you skin and play blindfold with your veins. I ran up to you and you said you didn't care. That's it. My whole eyesight became blurry as I nearly have enough vision to get to my room. I felt alone more than ever. When you went out and took along brother with you, I got that knife again and thought maybe its not a bad idea after all. But still I was weak. If there isn't a single reason why I am here in this house, He would not put me here, I have a reason. I don't need to do this. Or is it that I'm just plainly scared. The knife trembled as i hoplessly grasp it with all my might. I dropped it. I was weak. I never understood physical pain, its always down to emotional pain. Although I have his bad habit of peeling my whole toenail. Yes, its weird. I do it when I'm sad. Dont you notice? As i walk around the house? Blood. My friends, i tell them but i dont hhow them though they can ee it when i lift my sock. They all thought I'm just plain *** crazy...well maybe I am. I don't feel a thing. The blood came gushing of course but I didn't care, the small amount of pain creeps in and its never enough to compare to the pain I am feeling inside.