I spend countless hours trying to prove myself worthy of your love, your appreciation. But you never see. You never do. Well you do see, but you're playing blind and deaf to all this. Oh how I crave for your affection and acceptance. Why am I never enough? All those embarrassment in front of other people, even behind my back. I just wish you'd tell me you love me, be cause I've never heard that before, maybe I'd believe it. I am not perfect, yes I know. But I hop I'm enough. I am trying to be perfect for you. All things I do shall be perfect. Thats what I keep in mind. For you. All these artworks, writings, all you wanted me to do. I try to perfect them just so maybe you'd take a second look and make up for my meaningless existence. But you never do. I've heard you compliment me but I've never felt it. It was just to say something. Blather. You'll never be one with us, you said. And that's when I confirmed that I was just a stay in in this house. You're obliged to do this things not because you want to. Is it because I'm a mistake? You still keep that. I hope you'd know everything happens for a reason. I was meant to be here. To be with you. I was meant. With all that's happening to me lately, I'm slowly exposed to this world that's called reality. I see people and know their story. I understand some part of it and what makes them. I hope our can see you this too. I just want to hear you say I am enough and I'd believe it. I'd convince myself if I finally hear you say it. Because since I gained awareness of where I stand and what you see in me, I've long that since. You know, someone said I was enough. And I believed it, I'm still having doubts because how can I be enough for a person I still barely know and not be enough for you whose womb I've homed? And speaking of which, we are currently slowly loosing contact and she doesn't know I need her most. I want to tell her I'm sorry because I neglected her needs as a partner, to make her feel better, important and how foolish of me to think that she doesn't need assurance, that it will always be red. Everyone needs assurance. And I was too blinded by my own sadness and problems about us clouded my mind. I never realized the person willing to cope up with all my chaos standing right in front of me, making me feel important is feeling alone and unimportant as well. Well, I just want to tell her she's important and I mean that. I am blessed I have her in my life and I don't want her gone. She makes me feel at home in her arms than this house ever sheltered me. I don't know if its still going to work that's I say she's important because she posted a poem saying she doesn't feel it. Well I hope she does when I tell her. Because I really do. And my life's already a mess and she makes me forget all about that but right now, us not talking to each other worsen it. Like her, I just want to feel important as well and we found each other and I'm being a **** not actually making her feel it. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, I never got this trait from you, humility to seek forgiveness. Choke on pride. And now I feel like I've unlocked it. Its always been dad's trait. And I hope I'll always be like this. I hope she accepts my forgiveness because I really am sincere. Its always her who puts her walls down before I do. An I want to change that trait. I hope you do too. With your siblings. But I am  nobody to tell you that. You won't listen, I'm just a child after all. You know, my brother threatened to **** me, the blade of the butchers knife is an inch away from me, all because I asked him to return his toys and to throw away his wrappers after eating. What a simple task to trigger such foolish temper. In that moment, I didn't know what to do, I don't even know if he'd do it. It never occurred to me, that I don't trust anyone in this house. I don't know him fully. He was your pet, and yes I will say it because its true. Everything I do, I get mocked and teased by you both and dad never knew me. He wasn't here all the time. I barely see him a day. And he says I'm his favorite. If he knew me, would I still be his dearly beloved princess? I don't really know. The only person I trust is this girl I've met months ago. She was wonderful. We fit so much. I don't want her to see my chaos at first, but I let her in. I trust her and I hope she'll learn to trust me too. It bothers me that she won't let me trust her fully. What's love without trust? 'I trust you' is bigger to me than 'I love you'. Oh and yeah, we're together. As I was saying, the blade made me weak and I realized I was never really ready for death as I claimed to be.I'm weak. I was scared. Though it came to my mind to have thought of suicide many times I just don't have the guts to do it. Self harm is not really an option to me. If you want to die, die instant. Don't tease death as you slit you skin and play blindfold with your veins. I ran up to you and you said you didn't care. That's it. My whole eyesight became blurry as I nearly have enough vision to get to my room. I felt alone more than ever. When you went out and took along brother with you, I got that knife again and thought maybe its not a bad idea after all. But still I was weak. If there isn't a single reason why I am here in this house, He would not put me here, I have a reason. I don't need to do this. Or is it that I'm just plainly scared. The knife trembled as i hoplessly grasp it with all my might. I dropped it. I was weak. I never understood physical pain, its always down to emotional pain. Although I have his bad habit of peeling my whole toenail. Yes, its weird. I do it when I'm sad. Dont you notice? As i walk around the house? Blood. My friends, i tell them but i dont hhow them though they can ee it when i lift my sock. They all thought I'm just plain *** crazy...well maybe I am. I don't feel a thing. The blood came gushing of course but I didn't care, the small amount of pain creeps in and its never enough to compare to the pain I am feeling inside.