If i could do anything
to stop
this suffering
i probably wouldn’t
for i’m so used to it
that i can’t even
picture myself
out of it &
it hurts even more
to admit that
i probably don’t want to

There's a perpetual silence
around myself
but I can't help hearing
the ghosts of my voice
inside my head
I wonder if I am going insane
or if this is just
how life works
once you're ready to admit
to yourself
that you'll never be
anything else
but this
no more changing
no more failed attempts
to become someone better
there's no escape
and still I try
as much as everyone else
even though all of us know
that the silence
screams louder
when we keep our mouth shut.

I haven't always been like this
once i was a girl
that didn't believe
in the possibility of love & all that comes with it
all the feelings & anxiety
all the smiles & cuddles
all the great moments shared
with someone
you truly care about &
would die for them to be happy
if you could,
although i know that most of the times
things aren't always marvelous
and to be honest, they seem to be
quite tough,
because sharing a life & yourself as a whole
with someone
isn't as easy as it seems
because people are not easy to deal with
because i'm not easy to deal with
and because you're also not easy to deal with
but for me, that's the trick of it all
if we were easy to deal with,
it wouldn't be so beautiful
all those times after a fight
when we try to be mad at each other
but we just can't
because the desire to see the other smiling again
is always bigger than any reason worth a fight
but even the reasons that aren't worth it,
brings a good yet so confusing feeling
about the need to fight
to confront each other
because then again
you're sharing some part of you
and it's a part that matters so much
that you just can't help keep it only to yourself
and that's why i love you
because you're difficult to deal with
and because you're the best person
i have ever got into a fight with,
and the pleasure of being this someone
is all mine.

If you could read between the lines
you'd understand the language
of the red ones
all over my body
If you could see beyond your sight
you'd understand why
underneath my eyelids
the blues are permanent
If you could swim
and if I knew
(for sure)
that you would be
safe & sound
while diving & sinking
into the sea of my sorrow
still, I wouldn't let you drown
inside my head
because once I fell in there
and never came back.

You've left me waiting
for the sound of your footsteps
on the ground
right behind my door
along with the beautiful silent sound
of your smile
growing larger, slowly
but now all that I hear
are the whispers
hiding on the corners
waiting to be found & shown
only to tell
not that I've lost my hearing
but that I've lost you.