Time,
Where I used to find my rhymes with relative ease,
But lately there's been something haunting me,
Making me blind to the pictures plastered on the inside of my eyelids
It wasn't always like this
The words used to overflow from the tight confines of my mind
And now they're getting hard to find,
The length of time between each coherent rhyme has steadily multiplied until now where I can only truly define one singe line at a time,
People keep asking me, "Why don't you write more?"
Because honestly writing has become a chore, until now
Because instead of searching the insides of my eyelids I'm going to pry them open,
Because love is a gift, love is a token
The beauty of her eyes, the beauty of her mind,
They might as well write their own lines
Poetry is inherently the language of emotion,
Anger, anguish, lust and beauty
But you can see none of these if you don't open your eyes,
Experience
Life
And write down every word you find

When I'm in your house
I don't feel the same feeling I used too
Like the world didn't weigh on my shoulders
Like the burden couldn't ever crack my smile
I've commited my life to you
I've given you so much of my time
Give me a sign
Any one particular reason
Why I should keep coming back, day after day
Week after week
For a promise that I'm not sure you can keep
Because my outcries to the sky have been answered with the God equivalent of a stone faced stare and it makes me question if you're really there
And I can't help but notice your perpetual silence is followed by judgemental looks from all those who claim to follow you
Like somehow your not speaking is my fault
Like the fact that you haven't called in months means I did something wrong
Like I should just ****** and give everything I have because it's supposed to be as simple as that
It never is and never has been
People say I must have never been saved but that doesn't explain all the times my life was on the line and I felt like you were by my side
That doesn't explain all the moments I wasn't sure if life was the right ride for me and you held my hand
That doesn't explain all the times I couldn't breath with the weight that lay on my chest and you came and got rid  of it
That doesn't explain the moments when my mom would lie straight to my face about my own life and I would just have to sit there and wonder why and you would hold me as I cried myself to sleep that night
That doesn't explain why I survived the attempt on my own life
That doesn't explain why I survived the car crash all those years ago
If there's the slightest chance you're reading this right now
I want you to know that I'll be waiting
Because this isn't because I'm improperly motivated
This isn't because of a lack of dedication
It's been 3 years of faking it and if you're up there
I want you to know you deserve more than that
You deserve genuine praise not from a heart that is lack luster
And perhaps  one could say this is caused by a lack of faith
In that perhaps you're right
But in case you're wrong I'll be sitting here and will continue to hold his book
To wear out the spine
Until one night he gives me a sign
Because I look out at all the pain filled eyes
The girl who doesn't know if she can explain why she doesn't feel at home inside her own skin
Because inside his mind he doesn't see himself the way the mirror portray's but he's afraid to look the way he feels inside
Why don't you speak to him, like you did to me?
Why don't you reach out and plant the seed?
Lately I've been seeing a lot of hate from those who claim to spread your good news of peace and love
How can they claim this hate in your name?
How can they claim to have the same drive that I do inside?
How can they sleep at night?
Lately I've been wondering what it really was
If you're really a self defense mechanism of my own consciousness
Lately I've been wondering if maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I'm wrong
But I don't think so
Or maybe I just don't want to be
See, I have to believe
Because the idea that we're the only thing down here
That we have the final say
That we are entitled to just keep digging our own graves
It scares me to death
It makes me shake from the inside out
Thinking that that's all that this is about
But maybe in due time all that's left is to be free from the inside of our own minds
But maybe,

Unraveling
Like a thread from my sweater got caught in a door a few city blocks back
And I can't relax
Everything I've ever built is about to come crashing down
Threads of deceit into a woven tapestry that depicts me as someone other than who I am
A man I've never met yet
And it sends shivers down my spine

Do me a favor
She asks
As if there's even an answer to that
She said, “Go find a woman who will treat you well”
“My heart breaks in two to see you love me”
And with that she left while he was sleeping
Down from our house and across the street
She didn't take much with her
Only an old mason jar and her boots and scarf
The clothes on her back and a sack full of knick knacks
Across the pier to a small old rowboat she bought with her own dime
And across the ocean she went
Far away from him
So far she couldn't remember if his eyes were brown or blue
When she knew him
She lived in a lighthouse now
It was free as long as she held it down
It was a peaceful life,
A lonely life
She dreamt of him most nights
Like the image of his smile was burned into her eyes by every lick of candlelight
Vividly
She could still hear the dumb snort sound he made when he laughed too hard
And she smiled
Not because her heart didn't ache, no definitely not that
She smiled because although in doing so she predisposed her heart to daily break
She smiled because he had no doubt found a happier life
That he had moved on
Because who was she to hold to man like that
To her, it was just a simple fact
It's been too many years since her boat ride
She didn't really know where she was
She just rowed and rowed and rowed until his scent had finally left her nose
She's older now, her bones creak almost as much as the lighthouse floorboards
She loved looking out from the top of that heavenly tower
Out across the ocean while the rain lightly showered
She thought about where he might be
She thought about his eyes, she didn't remember what they looked like
It was cold tonight
Foggy even
But she felt warm
She felt happy
Because this time when she closed her eyes she could see the image of him burned in the back of her mind so bright that she could swear he was really there
With a smile that was labeled “Handle with care”
And eyes that said “I’ve missed you”
And “I’m so glad you're here”
Because he looked like he’s held her close even after all these years
Like the only thing he had after she left was empty promises and worn out fears
She knew what had happened, she was no fool
She had passed on and he had too
But his heart was heavy and hers strangely light
She thought back to why she left that night
She couldn’t remember why
And no matter how hard she tried the words wouldn’t come for her to apologize
He just sat there and stared at the pleading look she held in her eyes
He nodded his head and turned the other cheek
And said, “This life, is not the one you clearly need, what you wanted was never me.”
The strange and muffled silence hung over them, like someone muted a silent film
She faded further and couldn’t see his face
Like he was just another beautiful stranger on a summer day
He just drifted away, like she had to him that day

"These, are the best years of your life."
What utter *******
I refuse to accept that
Because these are the years we become aware of how ****** up the world is
but get told we're not old enough to do a **** thing about it
I see so many young minds get washed away with time of complacency And I can't shake this feeling like we're so much greater than this
It's a self fulfilling ******* prophecy
If life gives you lemons you turn that **** into a tangerine
**** what's given
Your life is yours
Make it leave an impression
There's too much wisdom behind those eyes for you to believe these lies
Your life doesn't need to confide within the lines of a coloring book
You are capable
These ARE NOT the greatest years of your life unless you make them
This ends on it's own
You don't need to assist it
Let's see where you'll grow
I believe in redemption
So pick yourself up
You're worth it
Dust yourself off
That's better
You look like you're ready for life
The biggest adventure
Find the beautiful places tucked out of human harms way
Keep them safe
You're all we have left so please
Stay

I must decide which words to shout
Which words to whisper
Which words to scream
Which words to silence
Which words to say in monotone
And where my voice cracks
Now we're back
To the beginning of the same sentence
I must decide where to look
Where to look for you
Where to look for piece of mind
And it's the confines in which you restrain your mind that dictate how you define
"Are you okay?"

It breaks sometimes, but never bends
It's hard, but brittle
It's cold, but never so cold that it stops flowing
It's foggy, leaving me just enough to see only a few feet in front of me
I'm lonely, surrounded by people who toss me these
One way street relationships, always about me
It's not very pretty
Me at least
In the physical sense... Well okay maybe that too
When I look in the mirror, I see pill bottles and scars on my wrists
Instead of the gifts god gifted me with
I can't breathe
Staring at the walls in front of me
It's not as simple as walking until I find a door
What if there isn't one there?
What if the wall is too tall to scale with ropes or ladders
I can't fly
What if the stars do fall
What if your calls just haven't been coming through
Yeah, that must be it
I heard Verizon's service here is
It breaks
This house
It takes what's left of my confidence and snakes it down the tarnished copper plumbing
I can't think
Why is everybody yelling?
Really, why is everybody yelling?
What's the purpose?
Do you think demons are scared of loud noises?
Do you think they shake when your sanity is at stake? well they don't
So my strategy is don't let anything close
But it's hard, when you look at me your smile
Sweet to me like the fruit of the apple tree I planted when I was three
But it's hard to see the sense in these accusations you sling around
Some higher power must be ******* with you
No that's the human element
That's free will
That boy you call a man
I'm not saying this result was part of his plan, but rather a unexpected consequence
People do horrible things
Everybody
So I'll shut the gate to my heart, put it under lock and key
And throw it so far away from me
That nobody will ever find it
You'll have to carve out the lock with an ice pick
I'm really like this
So call me hopeless, that's fine
But you're wrong
I have hope
It's just not instilled in you
Or you
Or any one of you
I'm alone
That's fine
I have no interest in this
This idea that I need to find my better half
If I'm incomplete I'll build myself, myself
I don't need your expertise
It's my life, and I'll complete me as I please.