When I'm in your house
I don't feel the same feeling I used too
Like the world didn't weigh on my shoulders
Like the burden couldn't ever crack my smile
I've commited my life to you
I've given you so much of my time
Give me a sign
Any one particular reason
Why I should keep coming back, day after day
Week after week
For a promise that I'm not sure you can keep
Because my outcries to the sky have been answered with the God equivalent of a stone faced stare and it makes me question if you're really there
And I can't help but notice your perpetual silence is followed by judgemental looks from all those who claim to follow you
Like somehow your not speaking is my fault
Like the fact that you haven't called in months means I did something wrong
Like I should just ****** and give everything I have because it's supposed to be as simple as that
It never is and never has been
People say I must have never been saved but that doesn't explain all the times my life was on the line and I felt like you were by my side
That doesn't explain all the moments I wasn't sure if life was the right ride for me and you held my hand
That doesn't explain all the times I couldn't breath with the weight that lay on my chest and you came and got rid  of it
That doesn't explain the moments when my mom would lie straight to my face about my own life and I would just have to sit there and wonder why and you would hold me as I cried myself to sleep that night
That doesn't explain why I survived the attempt on my own life
That doesn't explain why I survived the car crash all those years ago
If there's the slightest chance you're reading this right now
I want you to know that I'll be waiting
Because this isn't because I'm improperly motivated
This isn't because of a lack of dedication
It's been 3 years of faking it and if you're up there
I want you to know you deserve more than that
You deserve genuine praise not from a heart that is lack luster
And perhaps  one could say this is caused by a lack of faith
In that perhaps you're right
But in case you're wrong I'll be sitting here and will continue to hold his book
To wear out the spine
Until one night he gives me a sign
Because I look out at all the pain filled eyes
The girl who doesn't know if she can explain why she doesn't feel at home inside her own skin
Because inside his mind he doesn't see himself the way the mirror portray's but he's afraid to look the way he feels inside
Why don't you speak to him, like you did to me?
Why don't you reach out and plant the seed?
Lately I've been seeing a lot of hate from those who claim to spread your good news of peace and love
How can they claim this hate in your name?
How can they claim to have the same drive that I do inside?
How can they sleep at night?
Lately I've been wondering what it really was
If you're really a self defense mechanism of my own consciousness
Lately I've been wondering if maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I'm wrong
But I don't think so
Or maybe I just don't want to be
See, I have to believe
Because the idea that we're the only thing down here
That we have the final say
That we are entitled to just keep digging our own graves
It scares me to death
It makes me shake from the inside out
Thinking that that's all that this is about
But maybe in due time all that's left is to be free from the inside of our own minds
But maybe,