In 2019,
I want more.

Want more sunrises
More rolling out of bed with a purpose

More afternoons curled in a love seat

I want a garden
inside me and in my backyard

More friends
More nuzzles from dogs

More oceans

More allowance to make mistakes
After all, you were brave enough to try.

More stillness
More belly laughs
More love letters

More sway in my hips
Cool breeze on my lips

More looking in the mirror to see my smile
not the width of my thighs

More finding shapes in the clouds

More moments that leave me breathless

More life
All the painfully messy beautifully chaotic morsels
dripping from my chin

In 2019,
I want more.

This year taught me

You're more resilient than you think
that there is comfort and joy in solitude

hugs are like honey
pure
simple
valuable

I learned you can find happiness where you least expect it

That the only way out is through

there are more outreached, helping hands than you think

how grand it is
to simply be
toes dipped in the river
sunset kissing your forehead
trusting it will rise again
Trusting this is not the end

Dear 2021,

Please be gentle with my heart
Show me how to love bigger and often
Teach me how to open my chest to the sun and let it dance within my ribcage
Let me run wild
In solitude and in company
Let me dream of wildflowers, ones that grow through the cracks
I want to be like them, courageous and triumphant

Dear 2021,
Show me the road back to myself
Fall in love with the journey
Fall in love with me
Wrap me up in your arms, and whisper to me
You are whole, you are worthy, you are wildflowers you are
Breathtaking.
Dearest 2021, I am ready
To grow another year wiser.
“Fingertips trembling, though they may be.”

Dear 2022,

I have arrived
bare and alive
flawed and unruly

wrapped in lavender
Last year I held joy in my palms
washed my face in it
Last year I showered in eucalyptus
I let my hair grow past my hips
Painted my toes with honey to show the bees they’re welcome here

Last year I began by asking for kindness and comfort and love and I learned I didn’t need to ask the sky

I can create all these things for myself
I can plant them and nurture them
I can nurture me and love me and pour sunshine over me

So 2022
Here I am
Stepping into you
Ready to be planted
I am here with open arms
Asking for nothing
Except for one more trip around the sun

Dear 2023,

Last year I asked on my knees for one more trip around the sun and I’ve emerged as if I’ve spent the year laying in clover, arms open to the sky  

and while I laid there in stillness, all that I needed found me.

All that I needed came and laid down beside me and all that I needed stayed with me while I started over
wiser and braver and with more softness
More “let’s sleep a little longer” more “you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to”
Less harshness, more softness.

Dear 2023,

Teach me nothing is permanent.

Teach me to rise each morning with the pure fascination of the way my breath sounds and how my body feels and who I am that day- teach me to sit with her and stare into her eyes and ask her “what do you need?”

Teach me to hold others how they need to be held, not how I want to hold them. To treat them as newborns, tender and with gratitude. Let me hold myself the same way.

Let me speak all that is in my heart
Let me stare at my darkness and invite her in for tea, ask her what she’s afraid of.

Dear 2023

Engulf me in new beginnings and the gift of stepping into the arms of others and trusting there is good inside them too

I have tended to the garden inside of me and this year I will sit in the shade of all that I have grown, wild and free.

You are worthy.

     You are whole.

            You are loved.

While I was busy planting flowers for others
I neglected to remain attentive to the vibrant petals that began to sprout between my toes.

They tell me I am deserving of their beauty
They are remarkable
I ignore the petunia's persistence and decline their invitation to take root among my insides
"You have planted so many of us for others,"
They sigh
"Let us remain planted here
For you
For once"
They remind me how I am capable of giving
Incapable of receiving
Incapable of receiving
Incapable of receiving

It is not until years later when I have planted so many wildflowers for others that there is but a thin line between their tips and the sun
They have grown so tall I am covered in shade
I stare down at my toes
The gaps between them are empty
No more seeds left
No more seeds left

Dear one,

Write me when your legs have tired from wherever you’re running to

I sense that you are running simply because you were born running and
I can only imagine from what your eyes told me you want to get off this carnival ride but you never learned how and

I know you know that stillness is your friend if you only tried because
that must be why you asked me to hold you with my whole body and that’s why your soul uncurled its fists and
Maybe it’s all in my head but
I think you wanted to lay there forever so

write to me when you’re tired of running and

Come home to me.              


A letter to your heart;
(that I’ll never deliver)

“You are infinite”
I whisper to the flower petals
They get lonely, too.

Here’s to taking up space
To not shrinking for the benefit of others
For speaking your mind even when your voice shakes
To starting over courageously with each sunrise
To holding hands with your shadows,
And letting them go

Here’s to allowing yourself to make mistakes
and allowing yourself to be great 🌻

Here’s to you
Here’s to you
To you

And I learned that my breath
Will continue to flow
inhales and exhales between my lips
Just like the ebbs and flows of a riverbed

My belly rises and falls
Inhales
Exhales
As if to illustrate that beginning over and over
Is not a bad thing
Inhale after inhale is inevitable
Exhales, like failures, serve a purpose
To begin again
Over and over
To begin again.

I eat fear with a spoon.
I chew it well,
Deliberately
I swallow it with a splash of whiskey
and lemon.

I wipe humility from the
corners of my mouth
with a paper napkin,
adorned in gold.

I spit courage
it falls at your feet.
You silently wish you could spit as far.

I wipe weakness from between my eyes,
Although it takes only two strides for it to
firmly re-root itself on my crown.

I wipe again.

I drink self love,
love from others.
I drink innovation and determination
I absorb piano notes through my skin
They dance in my veins.

An ebb and flow of a thousand rivers.

I rest,

But just for a little while.

I embarked on a journey to ask myself this question for 30 days;

What filled me with enthusiasm today?

Relishing in the joy that I am able to move my body run and jump and stretch and climb and love, I am fuelled by the thought these motions could leave me at any moment

Being powerful in the face of fear filled me with enthusiasm
Leading others, speaking for those who couldn’t

I was filled with enthusiasm when I saw her
She makes me feel at home and alive and free and joyous and proud of her

Because I remember when she saw me when others walked by
She stayed
She listened
She led me out of the dark

And him
He is calm
He is resilient
Patient with me and loving and I want hear about what he thinks the clouds look like and hold his hand in silence and

And I was filled with enthusiasm when I let the sun warm my skin and the flowers oh the flowers,  what did we do to deserve them
The ones that persistently press through the concrete for no one but themselves

I was filled with enthusiasm when I realized that this
this is it

I used to write poems about being incapable of being fulfilled and alive and I determined
“I will never be full”

But this is it
Here I am
Filled
with more than I could ever have imagined

May you persevere in matters of your heart
Immerse yourself in what you need to feel alive

May you press onwards even when you’d rather sink and

May you grow towards the sky just like the flowers you find that root themselves in the most precarious places but still manage to find the sun

She sings herself swan songs
But she needs a lullaby
Her hips sway beneath her tired shoulders
Her feet her foundation
But they do not sit still
Simultaneously running towards her courage and away from her fears
Despite her deep breaths
Her lungs are not full
Her belly rises and falls persistently anyway

Her resilience keeps her company by the lakeshore
Sings to her softly
Cradles her heart in its hand
"You are safe here"

Noticing her determination, the wind carries her along
Towards the horizon
Towards her courage
Spills into the corners of her insides
Warms the garden her mother never tended to
Never sang to
The leaves become her chorus
The moon her lullaby
Her resilience smiles
Takes root in her temples
Lines her walls with forgiveness
Patience
Ingredients for her garden
Waters it with celebration
After all, she has survived.

Sunflowers tickle her ears as they sprout
Stretching and yawning in the daylight
"My flowers!" She cries
"I have been waiting for you"

Her feet grow still
They had been searching for the sunflowers
Never knowing they were inside her
Deep in the soil of her garden
"We knew you would come for us,"
They beam
She breathes in
Down to her toes

Her lungs press into her ribcage
They are full
They
are full.

I am a fortress.
Fervently I fidget with my deadbolt
"Lock that door shut. You'll be safe in here."

Outside a forest stretches
Wind navigating its branches
My hair is matted
Damp
The wind has forgotten it
"No one can find me here. I am safe."

Moss grows between my toes
Embedded under my finger nails
From my attempts to evict it each night.

Who am I hiding from?

The sun reaches one small dusty corner
"Stay away," I snarl, snapping the blinds shut
"The sun is not your friend."

Days pass.
I grow pale
Half moons cradle my eyes

The sun is outside my door
Pacing
Whispers to the wind- "if only she knew we loved her."

Winter arrives.
I collect icicles because they seem familiar
They cut my palms as they melt
I let the moss grow over the wounds

The sun and the wind return
I'm too weak to run from them.

The wind sighs,
"If only she knew she needs us to grow."

I am a heap of bone now. And sinew.
The moss creeps over my eyelids

My breath slows

I return to the forest floor.

If only I had known I was not alone.

I wept
Wishing I’d stopped to witness the leaves
In their glory
Before they fell at my feet

Nothing more lonely
Than giving someone your heart
And they drift away

She was my shelter;

But she was also the storm

She was born in December
Outside
In the snow

She read one thousand pages
before her seventh birthday

She climbed forty trees in a fortnight

She quieted the unruly children with one look
all three hundred of them

She ran the fastest mile
She'd run over ten thousand miles before she died

Ate a whole cow once,
slept with 500 men

Never satisfied,
never satisfied.

She cured heartache,
She played the violin
Cello
Harpsichord
each note spun like Vivaldi

Always playing,
never satisfied.

She climbed Everest
"Not enough!"
she sighed

She raised three daughters
Fierce as hell, all three

And they raised seven daughters,
the fiercest of them all

She did it in stride
Never faltered
Never celebrated

She sung in the opera
in her spare time

Never satisfied,
never satisfied.

10 years have passed and I have been held by others
But none held my heart like you

Sunshine drips from my chin
Wipe the sunrise from the corners of my eyes
Dew rolls down my spine as I stand
Wave goodbye to the last slivers of dusk

How far I have travelled
To come home to myself.

I’m building a home for myself
For myself

Behind me lay a string of temporary shelters I found in others
In things
In feelings
In reactions

I’m building a home for myself not for you but for my heart and my peace and my songs
For my stillness my restlessness my demons and my passions
For my mother and her mother and her mother
My mothers
Who spent time building and building rows of homes for lost souls
Never pausing to take shelter for themselves

I’m building a home for myself within my own walls at my own pace
Patched together with patience and gratitude and the pure joy I feel that I have survived it all.

Even if it takes years if it takes tears if it takes giving up and starting over

I will build my walls to make boundaries and to set intention and those who belong will enter peacefully and honestly and without selfishness

I will build a home to love myself to come home to to live in with my declarations of knowing my worth and knowing my gifts and knowing I am safe I am safe in myself

The feeling when I jump off the riverbed and for one brief moment I am weightless, suspended before I submerge into the water

When I’m about to open a door to a friends house filled with people. The world goes silent while I reach for the doorknob

The pause I take before I’m about to say something that will change
everything

The moment when I see someone I love who I haven’t seen for a long time

When I realize I’m about to achieve something I’ve worked so hard for

When I have to make a decision between two different paths

When I know I’m approaching the time to choose, but I walk between the two
One foot in each possible decision for a long time
Relishing in my indecision

The moment when tears well in my eyelids, the pause before they fall down my cheeks
They don’t fall until I let them

The time that passes between when you realize they don’t love you anymore, but they haven’t told you yet

When I’m about to bite into my favourite decadent cake, one satisfying bite dances in front of my lips before I devour. When you can taste it before you’ve even started

The pause between when I turn on the shower and the water actually starts falling onto my skin

Consciously living between who I am and who I see I can be
She’s so clear in my mind

The moment I reach for someone’s hand

The coat I have for in between seasons

When I receive bad news
And I feel nothing
Before I feel everything

I fill the void with hunger,
I fill the void with getting lost with people by my side who’s faces i recognize
but who’s souls i do not know.

i fill the void with you.
i fill the void with you because even though i know that we do not fit together like the perfect puzzle pieces that i wish we could be
at least
i’m not
alone.

i fill the void with consumption
i fill the void with cigarettes
i fill the void with inhale after inhale
until my belly is full with the heaviest of thoughts
and my nightmares circle around and around my skull until they come to rest exactly where you always said that i had that golden crown,
the one that i could never see.

i fill the void with madness
i fill the void with pointless anger,
seeping from my throat and drowning my tongue
tasting bitter like a rotten lemon
but the bitterness is better than tasting nothing at all
and it sticks to my chapped lips like an old friend.


i fill the void with endless calculations
meticulously measuring my emptiness clinging onto my insides
with a measuring stick
and even though i measure with repetitive precision,
it never measures up to my own highest standards

and I fill the void by hurling insults at your face
and even after you’ve closed the door, like a poignant period finally occurring at the end of a infinite infinite run on sentence.
i continue to spit, spit fiery slurs that in reality fall more like water droplets that ultimately accumulate mid air
and last a little while,
but never outlast the darkness that is fiercely stuck to the soles of my shoes.

And I breathe it back in
and I breathe it back in
just to feel a little bit more full.

I fill the void with a look of contentment that i plaster on my face because
i
i
can feel when you are looking
i fill the void with confidence
i fill the void with courage
i fill the void by carrying fear across my chest and over my shoulder like i’m going into battle and never
coming
back.

i fill the void with the hope that i can hope hard enough to fill myself up again
but no matter how much i fill

i can feel my insides draining
faster than a bottomless kitchen sink.

and regardless of how hard i clasp my hands against the gaping hole where i used to gently hold a relentless summer,

i can feel that the coldest winter has begun to replace it.
and i can almost still feel its warmth
just like I used to when i used to..
when you used to say you could feel it too.

my frigid fingers lock around my neck as i finally release that empty feeling that buries my deepest desires

and i feel my wild beating beating heart finally submitting to resolve.

and i realize
that i can never be full.
I realize
that I will never be full.

And so i float away
like an abandoned ballon

just like my mother said the others did
and when i join them there
they remind me that at least i’m not alone.
and they tell me that perhaps in the end
the point
was not to be full anyway.

Dear heavy heart
you are not a burden.

Let me adorn you with a crown made of your triumphs so you can carry them with you

Let us honour your darkest parts
They deserve to see light too

Dear heavy heart
Despite being shattered over and over
You only become more glorious

Thank you for pumping blood through my veins like the mountain streams flood rivers to fill up oceans
You are oceans

Infinite powerful and all consuming
You are inevitable to this story

My dearest heavy heart;
Keep going.

Punitive damages descend
on your determination

Decidedly so, you weep.

Dry heaves wreak havoc on your insides

You leap off the canyon in the dead of winter

Just so the freezing water
engulfs you
forces you
to breathe deeper.

I want to come home and the lights are on because you’re curled up in the living room and filling the air with your laughter

I want it to be warm when I step in the door because you cranked up the heat after your afternoon walk in the snow.

I want to step over your shoes you forgot to put away

Toss away your sweater you left beside you on the couch

And lift your arms over my shoulders and nestle into your neck.

I want to come back to a home
Not a house.

I want to come back to light and not darkness

Want to come back to hear your voice not my own breath.

But I don’t know who you are yet
Or where you are yet
Until then I’ll leave the lights on
And I hope you come home soon.

I am learning that slow is good
Slow is growing
You do not have to run to reach the sky
The sky will come to you when you are ready

The trees know this
The rain too
Rivers and their curves aren’t created in an afternoon
Breathe slow ache slow fall in love slowly and with purpose for this is
how you hold
time in your hands

I am learning  
I am magic
I am a force to be reckoned
I am the reckoning
I am free I am running wild like fire I am fire
I am heartache and yearning held together by bravery
I am brighter than my darkness
I am light I am light

Listen to the sky
For who knows better
That we need both the dark and the light
To see clearly

I haven’t
Traced your ear enough with my fingertips to have it memorized
Can’t quite remember the imprints of your hands
How your skin feels on my skin
What your breath sounds like when you soften

But you’re beginning to feel familiar  

And I know one day I will know you and all this
Like the sun knows the sky

their hesitation
              

                was my revelation

To the daughters who were born without a safe haven

To the mothers who baptized their daughters not in holy water
but in their heartache

To the daughter who raised her mother first
then herself

To the mother who thought being a mother would save her
to the daughter who taught her mother through her existence alone she could never make her whole

to the daughters who tried to make her whole anyway

to the mothers and daughters who resent each other and
don't know why

To the daughter who struggles to decide
between pleasing her mother
and pleasing herself

to the daughter who finally learns what it feels like
to choose herself
to the mother that does the same

to the mothers and daughters who run from unconditional love because they've never known the feeling

may you find peace
forgiveness
for yourself and for her
patience
resilience
acceptance

I was woken by my demons this morning
It appears they escaped last night
Had done my best to tie them down
But my self doubt waited until I fell asleep and lured them out

My demons are resting behind my ears
"No point in trying today" they snarl
"You've already failed anyway"
They tug at my shirt tails as I stand
"Come back to bed" they chime
My heart is heavy
My legs like lead
Just one more step to get outside
Get in to the light and they'll leave you

I notice it is cloudy
No sunshine to scare them away today
"You cannot ignore us!" They cry
They make camp between my curls

My demons are my company today
I can barely see through the fog
I know I must persevere
Determination is my weapon
I hoist the demons atop my crown
"Give up! They snicker
I will make it up this hill
I will make it to the next sunrise

My demons are my company
Today, but not all days
As I hum to myself each note makes them dreary
They nod off, their bellies rise and fall
My demons are my company
I tuck them in at night
My demons are my teachers
My state of mind my defence
I bathe in moonlight
I will rest til dawn
Then I will begin again.

My demons are my company

It's difficult to decipher your declarations
The dance in your hips
Does not match the words on your lips
There's fire in the tips of your fingers
Your touch is warm but your eyes are cold
You're determined to warm your bones at night
But you shudder in the middle of summer

My darling
Rest your head in the sand
Let it bear the weight of your sadness
Let the ocean catch your tears
For the ocean is their home

Brush your curls with courage
Let your intuition see the sunrise
Instead of midnight
Speak love songs to your sins
Exhale your apprehensions
Let your ears hear the truth
You are enough to withstand centuries
Accept the love that is extended to you
Even warriors do not meet triumph alone

Bathe in your resolutions
The ones carved into your heart
Rest under the branches once and a while
And my love
When your hips want to dance
Let them dance

Went down to the water to forgive myself
To shed myself
The ocean plays at my ankles
My past spills at my feet
Swirls in the sea foam
Turns the water black
Memories pierce my heart
Can feel the air rush through the holes they leave
How will I repair them?
The waves are consistent like my flashbacks
Always waiting for a pause of calm
"We're here"
They say
"We remember."

I step further into the water
I am knee-deep now
It's harder to catch my breath
The holes are swelling
Childlike innocence seeps out of my ears
Runs down my spine
Gushes at my feet

I feel faint
My knees buckle and I sink into the sand
Water rushes through my midsection
It's warm
Reminds me of your hands
I steady myself

"We're too heavy for you to float"
They say
"You must let us go"
But I don't know how
How can I let go of what almost killed me
How can I forget what you did
How do I honour my nightmares
How do I not
They've kept me warm
They're familiar
Wrapped around my neck while I sleep
I'll be cold without them

The water is past my rib cage now
I'm sinking
Do it now
Do it now
I don't know how
But I know I must
I reach for the cavern in my chest
Start pulling out my insides
They've rotted from when you had taken root at the base of my skull
I toss them into the rolling waves
Fistfuls of my rage
Heartbreak
Memories of your gaze
They do not deserve daylight
"What will you do without us?"
They chorus
"I will carry on"
I bellow
"I will carry on without you!"

I watch them drift away
In and out
In and out
To shore to sea
To shore to sea

I don't know when but I have arrived back on my feet
The waves are still there
Soothing my ankles
Back and forth
Back and forth
Like your old rocking chair
The ocean consoles me as I gently weep
"You did it"
"It's over now"
It whispers
Sunlight dances on the surface
Reflects into my bare lungs
Begins to warm my insides
Repair what you ruined
My body sprouts flowers
The endless rainfall has done it good
I retreat slowly to the shore
Pause for a deep breath that fills the four corners of my heart
And break into a sprint towards the horizon
I am free now
I am free now

Thought I had it all
Figured out but then you crashed
Into my life and

I whispered to my body
“you are safe with me”

Do I dare to cross
the street into your arms or
Do I wave instead

Under the current circumstances
I am finding certain moments in time to bring tears to my eyes
Out of sheer gratitude for their existence
I am determined to soak each up
absorb them through my skin
carry them with me
I cling to them so I do not take them for granted ever again

An embrace
a familiar face in real life
not on a screen
birds chirping
overhearing a conversation as strangers pass you on the sidewalk
a quick chat with the barista
catching someones eye in the park
the park
the freedom to explore with no restrictions
washing your hands before a meal to be polite
and not to stay alive

feeling safe

my tears gather to remind me that I am
I continue to be  
painfully gratefully joyously alive
in spite of it all

how beautiful and painful the process
of consciously
purposefully
shedding the parts of yourself that you have outgrown

How rewarding it is
To take even one step closer
To who you know you can be

Like a forest that sets itself on fire to start over

I will uproot the parts of myself that no longer serve me so I
can emerge wiser brighter lighter

and I will be a better home for myself and the garden that I have been tending to
That is gently blooming inside of me

Collecting memories like seashells
I clasp them in my hand
Press my hand to my heart
The shells will last longer than this

Put them in a jar by the door
To remind us our time was plentiful like the night sky plastered in stars
The kind of view you can only see from the middle of the forest
Cocooned between the green canopies

An infinite depth
From which we were born
And where we will return

My rib cage pressed against the railing
Trying to catch the dandelion seeds as they pass
When I look over at you you’re laughing at my infatuation with them
I almost admit I love you
Maybe I will
when the dandelions are flowers again

When I look in the mirror it's like all I can see are my glaring flaws
The wild broken strands of my hair refusing to be tamed
The blemish that never ceases to rear its head
My belly that is always a little too round if only it could just be less
My thighs that rub together
My arms that defy my womanly existence because no woman's arms are that hairy
The purple sweeps underneath my eyes
That people always comment on when I have been brave enough to not cover them in makeup

When I look in the mirror
It's a war with myself

A war that has waged a lifetime
I'm tired
And the fighting has left my battleground filled with mud where did the flowers go
We're not born like this
Where did I get the notion that my value lies on my surface and not below it?

When I look in the mirror
Instead of fighting
I want to plant a garden
Wildflowers in my ears as colourful as my thoughts
Dandelions so I can make infinite wishes when they turn to seed over and over and
A patch of roses so their thorns remind me  of my heartache
Tulips for my resilience
Vegetables!
To feed my belly that I starved  
Let them nurture my bones unconditionally
Let my garden bring dragon flies
So I'm reminded that this world has been here longer than me and it will remain despite a thousand winters

I look in the mirror  
My hands caked in dirt
In all my imperfect glory
The roots soak up my tears
I am finally home from the war

Show me choosing the choice that leads me back to my heart

Show me moulting my skin every single spring every time I wash my hair because we are beings made of water and water, by nature, is in motion


No wonder I am most alive when my heart is pounding my soul stretching lungs full of sea air

Show me the beauty of living a thousand lives in one breath

Show me we are made for this life

He was born in August
Despite being surrounded by summer
He was susceptible to sadness
When he walks he goes heart first
Feet after
He speaks with a pencil
And a sketchbook
Always placed in his back pocket
Its outline is engraved in the denim
There's courage on his eyelashes
Despite the long cold winter
His flowers grow back relentlessly
Every
Single
Spring
He lets them grow wild
Since others trim theirs back

He finds another
Tends to her sadness
Waters her flowers so they can grow wild
Too
Always hers first
Even if there's not enough water for two
In return she carries some of his sadness for him
After all it's grown heavy

He was born in August
Sunshine in his hair
There were no clouds in the sky
Because he was holding on to them for us
Carries them in a jar
In return the wildflowers thank him for it
They grow thick on the forest floor so he can rest his head
While he sleeps
They sometimes withdraw a cloud
Absorb the sadness into their roots
And leave him nothing but the silver lining
"So you know you're loved"
The wildflowers whisper
"So you know it has all been worth it"