I am told I am to be
Soft
Gentle
"Nice"

Told to sit pretty and swallow quietly
And enjoy it
I am told not to perceive my fellow women as safe havens but rather
Battle fields
I must be better
Thinner
Thick in the right places
Complacent
Thankful a man desires me
Who am I without him anyway

"Remember who you were, before they told you who to be."

I have a fire inside me and it rages
I don't need help finding my voice
I was born with it after all
I don't need a confidence booster
A crash diet
A mans bank account
I have my own thank you
I don't need my ***** grabbed

I am a fortress
I constructed these walls myself
I am not any less of a woman if I don't
Choose to shave my legs
Or paint blush on my cheeks
Purse my lips just right

I
Do not
Consent
To your definition
Of
How I am
Supposed
To
Be.

I always wanted to walk through fire
But now that I’m here
Surrounded in flames

Soul burning

I don’t want to walk
I want to dance

I want you to remember that no matter how far away it seems or how long it has been since you were embraced by the sun

That the sun will always choose the very moment you need its light most
To pierce through even the darkest clouds
To remind you
That you are alive 🌱
You are an accumulation of its rays and its tears and its joy and its rage and you wear it all so beautifully

And I want you to remember
That a cloud is born to be temporary

But the sun
The sun is infinite
And it belongs to you ☀️

It is nights like this
When we recite in meticulous detail a moment in time when our minds were intertwined, exactly 4745 days ago…
my heart says it was yesterday
Because what is time, really,  to a heart?

My bones whisper to me that in a parallel universe
it is us who grow old together
Attached at the hip while we stare at the stars
Holding joy in our hands

Casually quantifying clerical errors
counting sarcasm and collecting compliments,
but casting them aside
until they're stacked higher than the
introductions that were denied.

She swallows condominiums and Ikea catalogues  
and eyelash extensions.
She swallows the Kardashians
and decrepit Tinder dates.
She swallows her opinion that out-shined and outsmarted his.
She swallows the chronicles of night time strolls that turned sour.

She steps into the shower.
Her mind is full, but her belly is empty.
Although it's swollen with expectation and incessant inquiry,
her ribs protrude as if to command her attention,

And to confirm her intention to rise again.

(To your inner child)

Tell her she needn’t weather the storm on her own this time

Wrap her in lavender and sing to her and dress her in courage. Tell her she is as powerful as her wildest dreams.

Let her rest in your arms,
Watch the sunrise together.
Accompany her grief, comb the knots out of her hair
Let her run barefoot in the dirt with no consequence

Write her love letters, mail the ones she wrote for those who were incapable of receiving
Burn the ones where she blamed herself.

“Too much too wild too selfish too human too challenging too loud too loving too anguished”

Burn it all, let her hold the match so she understands she is the master of her fate.

Hold her tiny hand in yours until she dissipates
Absorbed into the roots of your inner garden;

She is owed a place there, but she will no longer overshadow the other wildflowers.

This time I lay my head down on the bed instead of chasing him out the door
This time I sit with my darkest parts and listen to them and love them and give them light and
It is they who needed the company, they’re the ones who wanted to run
Not me
Not anymore

We are gathered here today for  the part of me who repeats over and over “not good enough”
Today is the day I burn the part that thinks it’s only worth doing if it’s perfect
It’s only worth saying if it gets praise it’s only worth living if it’s achieving
Today is the day this version of me dies

And isn’t it beautiful
Isn’t it heartbreaking
The seeds I grew inside myself, some of them rotten
What a gift
what a tragedy

Today is the funeral.
Today I rise.

If I could have one last conversation with you
A final day in the sunshine
I'd tell you I love you
for the first time
and the last.

If there's one more thing I could teach you
It would be that the way you're living
armoured
alone
unforgiving
is no way to live.

But I'd say it in my head, send it through my exhales in the hopes it subconsciously reaches your ears,
so as not to ruin the present moment.

We're sitting in silence
knees touching
bodies leaning into each other so it all hurts less

You'd stroke my eyelashes as they flutter with your fingertips
I can't remember what your laugh sounds like anymore

I can picture you laughing, but it's like a silent movie

But I remember how your voice sounds as it cracks through your tears
And I can see your restlessness
even with my eyes open.

I can feel your sadness
Its weight I can still see imprinted on my love seat

If I could tell you one more story about myself,
To the version of you that was still open
like a sunflower
so willing to receive

I would tell you that I'm tired of being scared
done with hiding my need to be protected
so tired of staying up all night guarding my own heart.

I may require affection and love more than you're used to giving
but you have seen my love move mountains for free
and I need just once for someone to do the same for me.

If I could meet you for the first time
one last time

I would share with you that I see your fears and I honour them
sooner than I did before.

I'd tell you
you're safe here

I would believe who you said you were the first time.

If I were to say goodbye to you again
a do-over
an un-doing

I would sit fully in that moment with you
and thank you for your honesty
forgive you for your shortcomings

Accepting that you never really unpacked your bags

Even though in my mind,
we had already grown old together.

And for once,

she is still.

she breathes in lilacs
and breathes out daffodils

she cocoons all winter
nursing her summer wounds
she flew too close to the sun, you see.

her skin left tarnished;
gaping
her spirit
her spirit does not decay.

she flies close because she can
because of the fire inside her
moth to a flame

her wax wings soften
like your heart when you first saw her

"i will fly again next year"
she whispers
through her tears

Tentatively listen for the rise and fall of your belly to ensure your breaths are with ease

Trace the edges of your ear in moments of agitation, hoping your nerve endings will hear my fingertips and change their tune

Rub your feet when your heart is exhausted and your eyes are weary
Ensuring to not miss a single corner

Clear room on my bookshelf for your frustrations, find moments to read them together

Reminding you of your intricacies
While you sleep I whisper your journey in your ear
So you realize how far you’ve come

Encourage your curiosities
Give them room to remember who they are

I pick you wildflowers
An audience for your secrets

And my darling
If you are drawn to a new adventure
I will guide you to the edge of the road less traveled
Wave until you merge with the landscape

a way that I love you

Despite my best intentions to wish you unwell
My mind is wrapped up in being forgiving and understanding and “ive been there too”

I find myself
Hoping your day passed with ease and grace. And I hope you were kind to yourself today

Did you think about us
This time last year
Drunk on wine and the feeling we’d known each other in another life

Sometimes I play a tape in my head of what I wish your mouth would say

“I choose you”
Over and over
“I choose you”

We are not taught  
not everyone is going to want to go on the journey with you,
and there is grief in that
the melancholy that comes with wishing you could bring everyone that matters along on the road to becoming
Of loving ourselves fiercely
Being wild and kind

Sharing the simplicity in silence and marvelling at the resilience of our hearts, of what we’re living for

Not everyone can see so far

But you can
and you will leave prints in the earth for those who are wondering “can I follow too?”

Outside of the confines of who we are told to be

Who will we dare to become?

Let me fall in love
Over and over
Until my heart is dripping
And bare

When your bones are tired
And your heart is weary
Eyelids heavy

Do you pause to remember what the grass feels like between your toes?
To remind yourself of the summers when you had hours to spend dancing in the sun
Observing an ants journey across the sidewalk
You would measure the time passing by watching the clouds
The shapes morphing slow enough you couldn’t see, but you’d blink and then they’d be different
Blink and it’s all different

Summer turns into fall
I blinked and you became a stranger
Your eyes are familiar but your insides are different like the weather

The flowers come and go
I managed to bring some of them inside before the winter
Gathered them up with the memories of you from when we were young and careless
When we cared more
About giving than not being hurt