and now that i can no longer stand myself, i find solace in you.

dark eyes and dark hair and long legs and artists hands, all pale skin and a lanky figure stretched across my couch, gesturing and laughing and resting a cold arm across my shoulders.

tips of fingers tracing across my own flesh like slim ice cubes, soothing and tickling at once, and my pulse finally slows and i get lost in someone else for awhile.

you plan to get high on easter and nearly every other day, you rarely speak but let soft touches and tight hugs convey what you can't say.

you told me you had never loved anyone and may never love anyone, and your favorite memory is of a cat you had as a child.

you smiled, but your eyes were black holes.

And I sincerely hope,
that you cannot forget,
my cloud nine eyes and sugared lips.

My thin fingers on your chest, eyes flashing under neon lights.

I hope you cannot forget me and every sweet nothing spoken with damp hair and starry lashes.

And I hope everytime you touch her hair, you feel mine under your fingertips.

back home
we talk past each other
and always about other people
in our circles.
we only care
about ourselves.

back home
we have a small garden
eight feet of space
nice and well-kept
shielding out the concrete reality.

back home
we smoke so much
we've forgotten the taste of fresh air.
we smoke until our rooms get blue
and our lungs black.

we smoke to **** time
and ourselves.

back home
not only smoke fills the air
shouts
shrieks
screams
and happy pop tunes
endlessly on the radio.

I once read
That in 7.6 billion years
The sun
Having reached its maximum size
Will shine 3,000 times brighter
Than it does now
I have always wondered
How it is possible
To know such a thing
When 100 years
Is beyond a lifetime
How we could possibly
Look so far into the future
When now seems like an eternity
And tomorrow is miles away
How can we embrace the moment
When we are constantly being told to plan ahead
And what's the point
Of waiting 7.6 billion years
When the sun is already
Shining
And the moon
Already loves her?

"Don't you think those shorts are too short for you?"
He says
He dictates my decisions
And like a puppet master
He forces his will inside my body
Hollows out my soul
To make room for his own desires
Carves out my humanity to make me a puppet
A play toy
An objectification
While still saying "I love you."

With broken wings
I feel so low
The blade a reminder
This is no nightmare, this is reality
And the only dreams I have anymore
are "Why am I still here?"
The escape is subtle

How I survived
The suffocating blanket of "no more"
Parachuting away from your curly hair
And hands that mimic: thief
When my body, is a no trespassing sign
And I finally respect that law

Too late, the walls are peeling
Insides decaying
A lost building
Not taken care of
When will the demolition begin?

Mother nature finds her decay
Caresses her vines around her broken frame
Pulling her down, but inward
Trying to rescue her from the enemy: man

She develops a fear
Her shyness morphed
Into distrust

She stumbles for a tomorrow
Watching for the spears of remembrance
That lurk
                                                In her reflection

The subtle tea of time and books
Help her
Physics and light shows
Burning glass and cloud towers
The amnesia dissipates
The hate remains
But behind so many walls
You find her

The man who speaks the language of my mind
With shaking fingers
And adamant statements that I'm not damaged goods
You place the straw back
In this scarecrow body
You find my heart

I forgot I had one in the first place
You adorn me with your smiles
Grace me with acceptance
And tell me "You look cute in those shorts."

#love   #suicide   #sad   #anger   #life   #heart   #pain

maybe sad
is just my happy
but my god,
i hope not.
i'm so sick of being
miserable.