Sometimes I have to find an in between,
So I can break the ice.
And when I do I can slip through.
Sometimes I cant comprehend a meaning,
Or overlook the littlest thing.
I look for a gaze,
Or touch.
Then I can capture what I want so much.
I want to be close enough,
To see a vision of myself in your eyes.
I want to view the possibilities in your smile.
I want to enlighten myself with you awhile.
I need more than a glance,
Or a quick hello.
What you are thinking is what I need to know.
Could it be something more than what your showing?
Or did I miss out on knowing?
I want to be close enough,
To hear your whispers in my ear.
I want to see into our future,
Of the happiness we could share.
Could we be just two hearts that never joined.
A chance that was never taken.
Or a love that was bound to be forsaken.
Sometimes I have to find an in between.
So I can break the ice.
And when I do,
I can slip through and hold your heart for a lifetime.

after you left,
anxiety attacks threw my body
into a fitful quake- a tremble
my bed couldn't suppress.

and to ease my aching mind
about your absence from
within familiar walls,  
I splattered blood, red crimson
chemicals on bitten nails.

they shimmer, yet
there's still nothing
beautiful about this
painted lady.

***** demons
chandeliers dripping *****
lost ghostly figures with rogue
in their cheeks' hollows
black lips on pale faces
reward of something eternal
for the winner of the race
but she who loses is ******
she who does not succeed is banned
from colorful pleasantries
she tells herself are earthly
oh what she would give
for a shot and a sugary chaser
but the ghouls relentlessly chase her
do I accept that I will be running on hot coals forever
or do I curl up on them and simmer

His fingers reach for the glass pipe and all you can think about

are his eyes

and how they’re the color of every city you’ve never lived in.

The smoke undulates from his lips

like the most honeyed death sentence

into the chasm that surrounds the two of you, and the words

“he’ll destroy me”

are ringing in your ears.

He’s a paradoxical boy,

with his shooting star hands and his nebulous mind,

that carelessly leaves his magnetism lying around

for you to trip over.

Perhaps that’s how he gets girls on their knees.

You have fallen for a boy whose words fall from his lips

like dark matter, but he is

trapped inside the black hole of his own mind.

He cannot fold himself around your galaxy

because he cannot escape his own.

He’s lost there.

The sadness in his eyes

is a mirror

and as you stare at yourself you realize

this is the first and last time you’ll love your own reflection.

Now, you will only meet up in the

liminal spaces between this life and the next.

He will come to you in daydreams,

this is the only place where you can learn to love each other.

When you are in the shadowy spot

between sleep and wake,

refrain from memorizing the outline of his lips when he smirks.

The sunlight will take it away

as quickly as it gave it.

every day, speak a little less
reduce the number of words you say from half to
ten less, and then none at all.

Don't forget to be soft.
Kiss your mountaintop goodbye for
one last sunrise and descend
into the night
where it's quiet
like you should be.

one by one, pull back towards yourself
the orbs of energy you've left
bouncing around you in the
atmosphere.
be their chalice
one last time
and watch them burn out.

and when you're reduced to
dying ashes and deathly whispers
a strong voice will suddenly falter
and they wonder -
*didn't we once know a ... ?

Osas, there's a certain darkness in me. I can't explain it, but I don't curse the darkness, because it's where we found each other. After I found you, I stopped searching for rainbows in the far reaches of the sky, you were my sunshine. You cast away my troubles and wrestled my demons. You were the missing piece that finally made me feel whole. That’s funny, because you always said that being whole is overrated, it's the holes that make us beautiful. You always made me feel beautiful. Even though the beautiful moments we once had are slowly fading, turning from vivid to grey. I can still feel your palm, gentle on my blushing cheek, stroking my hair backwards, tucking every curly strand behind my ears. The same ears you'd whisper a bouquet of wonderful words into. We were sweet together once.

You see, I wasn’t always a hot-tempered ****** like you’d often call me. I hated that word, “******”. No! I am not a ******, I am not hot-tempered, I am not viscous lava, I am not fire. I am the phoenix that rose out of the flames you lit. The same fire you came running into, but while trying to save me, you forgot to save yourself.

You were the erupting volcano. You were vicious and violent. You were a deadly collection of everything vile. You were hot and cold, you were yes and no. Did you even love me at all? I guess I will never truly know.

Ok, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I wrote that last paragraph. I know you loved me dearly. I'm only scraping for a reason to hate you; to cleanse my conscience. I feel so stupid right now. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about that night. The error of my deed still haunts me. The least I can do is to keep writing you back to life, writing back into my arms.

I got 12 years; I'll be out of here just in time for menopause. I never cared much about having unruly, noisy, silly little babies running riot, leaving a trail of ****, puke and toy cars lying around. But I cared about you. I still care about you deeply Osas.

We were of the same form, you and I. Passionately understanding each other's darkness. You understood me perfectly. Better than all the others before you. You knew how fragile my heart and mind was, yet you broke both. Why? I was crazy in love with you, you took away the love and left me plain crazy.

I hate the drugs they give me here, it numbs my mind and takes away the pain, but why will I want that to go away, when the pain is all I have left of us? I feel so hollow inside, I’m an emotionless wreck now. I have lost myself! Maybe if I dig deeper, I'd discover an avalanche of emotions still buried inside me. Sandwiched between my ice-cold heart and the poisonous blood coursing through my veins. The same veins I want to expose to the spirits in the wind, and as my warm blood pours on this cold concrete like leaves on a forest floor, I’d finally be at peace. I hope to find peace in death, for death is not a dark abyss, but a ladder to light - an ascension to another realm. And in that realm I hope to find you, my darling, to explain to you why I did it. Why I pushed you off the balcony.

I’m sorry, but I couldn't look you in the face anymore. You disgusted me! I saw you with her in the breakroom at the office party. Yes! I saw you on your knees with your face in between her thighs! Even though you claimed she seduced you, I still saw you! I can't get that horrid image out of my head. It was in that moment I knew I couldn't live another day hearing you tell me another lie.

I got a blade today, from a lady in the shower, after I let her touch me in all the right places, still it felt so wrong. You have no idea how hard it is to find even the simplest sharp object in here. Random body cavity searches, routine cell shakedowns, constant reminders that I have and I am nothing. At least she was gentle when she slid her fingers inside me. Aunty Julianna was never gentle whenever she touched me in the bathroom stall at church camp.

I’ve truly lost myself, Osas. Nothing, and no one, can make me whole again. I’m covered in holes now and I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I feel bitter, sad and shattered. Even mirrors no longer lie to me. I see myself for what I am now - a monster.

"I have to do this, this is the only way." I calmly reassure myself, while clutching the rusty blade and pressing its jagged edge against my deathly pale skin.

"Calm down Adesuwa, you’re having an episode again." A voice echoed from the corner of my dark cell. Your voice. But still I didn’t believe.

"Is that you Osas?" I whispered. "Have you come to forgive me or have you come for retribution?"

"Here's your dinner." said the prison guard, before spotting the blade and sounding the alarm. I was on my belly before I could say a word, my arm bent behind me, my fingers pried open... my ladder gone.

Another day. I guess I’ll die another day.

I put my trembling

hand in hers

when I was four

and twenty years

now twenty more

are come and gone

and yet my trembling

carries on

for different reasons

though I don't

remember when

those reasons changed

and all I have

is foolish hope

that one day they may

change again ....