most of my steps forward
feel like steps back

fate won't let you cast away your burdens until you bathe in them fully

do you not feel your death?
do you not feel your immortal persistence?

you cannot escape the scales of justice
held in your own soul's hand

move me, kindred spirit
to be inspired once again
by quick birds and perfect flowers
by glimmers of light sparkling in a sunset
by the regenerating hearts of night crawlers making beds of earthen waves

let us appreciate, together
the simple joy of
breathing simultaneously

when you tell them incontrovertibly
for the hundredth time
you're never coming back

be prepared

it still hurts when they pull away

but after each time you say it
the next breath
is fuller than the last
your wings
wider than moments before
and the vast distant horizon
more brightly painted than you've ever seen

he had Batman socks and multicolored bracelets
he said time didn’t exist and people are fragile
he gave out pink flowers and talked about pink flamingos
we shared a sandwich and hugged
we said nice to meet you and shook hands
he was warm and kind and peaceful
his talking topics were like stones skipped across a heavy pond
I was a dragonfly investigating ripples
he was silent for long intervals, head bobbing up and down, as he pondered things I said
he made a metal dinosaur skeleton bracelet do a little dance

I fell in love with him right away

I woke from a dream this morning
with three penises
and three sets of testicles
sprouting from my groin

I was astonished
wondering about the implications
could they all perform?
could I have *** with three women?
or three men?
which gender did these penises prefer?
and how would that work?

or would I be too embarrassed by this mutation to ever have *** again?
I imagined a hand touching down there and felt
extreme embarrassment
no, this was definitely the end of my *** life
I would never have *** again

then something shifted
in my mind
and I woke
from THAT dream
original factory settings restored (I checked)

relieved (so relieved)

this was one problem the universe had not thrown in my lap (haha)
I can still see those tiny peckers though
like a bouquet of newborn masculinity

what high jinks
are going on
at the bottom of the ocean in my brain?

don't try to say too much
clarity breeds disappointment

feel the subtle movement of divine chaos inside
gentle, unpredictable, healing
open
in the protection of source love
release what no longer serves you
expand and
accept the gifts from spirit
your heart's calling

how many times do I have to apologize? he asked
well, she said
you could try once

my narrative is definitely shifting
reality is changing
thank you wonderful friends
thank you excellent day

one billion years from now
we will still be right in the
middle
of infinity

I think about this when someone talks about how special we are

he sandbagged
mocked
stalked
and lied

he never loved
or cared
or told the truth
or tried

we went to the cryptozoology museum
which was filled with oddities and people staring
at the oddities
and demonizing the oddities
and reading about other people demonizing
the oddities
poor secretive creatures
just trying to live their best hidden lives
it made me sad but

if I'm honest
                   I have
         an oddity
                           of my own
               and
  I stare
        and
                 demonize
   too

the man in me
forgives the man in you

the girl
still struggles

I can think of plenty of reasons to love this life
but if I couldn't

sunsets would be enough

engine's really running now

endorphins + being in love

I never been so high

my new car is teaching me to be a better driver
it tells me when to speed up
or slow down
it tells me when to stay in line
or get off
it keeps me safe and
always gets me there
whether I take the scenic route
or want to get there as fast as possible

my new car keeps me safe
and always makes me wear my seat belt

I think my car is my new fantasy man

it's a never ending revelation
the secret to my happiness,
taking responsibility for myself

my self, my energy, my needs, my healing
my past, my future, my now... all my nows

process my pain and fear
over and over
and over again
till it's dusty feathers and I fly away

fly to a happy perch
become a new chick, a wise old bird
wild thing, ascetic
music maker, see-er, feel-er
bit by bit
I'm becoming
magic

what are they hiding from?
the monster lives in there
I stare at the little pyramid
wondering if Teddy is eating the crickets
hiding from him
in there

we all have old patterns
we play on repeat
in my spare time I
delete
delete
delete

if you can't forgive
you can at least
dismiss

my thighs are milkshake vortices
such a strange and delicious image
a ridiculous ecstasy

there was a beautiful woman who loved him once
but he could not look her in the eye

after a long time staring at the ground
he got up the nerve to say


goodbye

the wind terrified
howling vague forces slamming chaos
what would become of the world?
shaking, he braced himself against her
eyes alert, ready to attack
she stroked his head gently, cooing comfort
wrapped around him like a blanket
he calmed slightly, after a while
shakes subsiding into the pillows
tail uncurling from between his legs
still pressed hard against her
his emotional support human

gentle brown eyes
kind peaceful smile
slender angular strong
deep pitched hello
easy-natured laugh
thick wild hair
stories stories stories
sharing histories
sharing selves
spirit tapping at our doors
love tapping at our doors
friendship tapping at our doors

angels hold their breath
on the verge of
our first kiss

it's easy for the weak to romanticize power
overlooking the great burden that is responsibility

I awoke this morning, love drunk
pulled like taffy from a dream where we were submerged
in union
your face is fresh in my mind
my body saturated with divine grace
I am grateful for me, for you, for existence

I wish I could spend the day in this altered state
with you
but the euphoria settles
the blood circulates reality back through my veins

I arise, a separate being
engaging the illusion of time and space once more
yep, I’m off to work

she projected so accurately her heart's desire onto him
endlessly entranced by the perfection he represented

she wonders, now
shaken well and free of her glamour
what might he actually have been like

I couldn't be what she wanted
she never forgave me
I forgive myself though
she didn't need me
she needed her

I’m hopelessly swept up in you
I try to keep my post
but I can’t find it
everywhere I look is your face
everything I feel is you

it’s ok, they tell me
all you are is as it should be
your post has changed
we never walk d i r e c t l y
with absolute knowledge
into our new selves
our new lives

you’ve just taken a great big blind leap
into a very bright light
you can’t even imagine
who you will be
once your eyes adjust

so take a break from your becoming
and just be what you are right now…

love struck

my poems are just bookmarks
a few words here or there
to mark the passing of a thought
RIP thought
this poem was your gravestone

the only wishes that come true
are those ladled from the heart of God

dear universe,
please bring me a man who is smart, funny, kind, passionate, ****, romantic, wise, independent, and devoted
also thoughtful, creative, talented, open minded, grounded, active , forgiving, empathetic, and fun
must like dogs
thank you.

4/29/24

21 spirits held me down
their hopes, their love
my past in the ground
I held them in light
they gave me clear sight
now with them
I am no longer bound

hey, you're kind of cute
and I like your style

but are you staying in this timeline?
cause I was thinking of switching

a great wheel turns around me,
like a giant slow moving gear
it just appeared, about a meter wide, and dark
horizontal over the earth, circling my hips
it has no light or color
but it wants to
it wants to spin faster and faster
funneling into the ground
igniting a portal in my spine
it wants to become a tornado of light and shoot up into space
maybe it will land somewhere in sirius or vega
who knows
maybe it's a stargate or an astral healing machine
maybe it's a dormant orb
maybe I'm a dormant orb!

or maybe it's an etheric garbage disposal
I do have a lot of junk to clean out down there

a smile that invites love
heart like a love cannon
thoughtful, gentle, wise
also
hilarious

his hands are a weighted blanket
emanating comfort and love
his hands are a vice
holding my body as my spirit ferociously erupts
his hands are a feather
tickling me to senseless fixation

his hands release me
from fear, pain, the past

with him I discovered I had fantasies
with you, darling, I experience them

new ways to be
new ways to see
new thoughts to think
new love to drink

I see them now
the beautiful woman chained in a dungeon
the highborn noble without conscience
the brutality, the hopelessness
the merciful death that was long to arrive...

I imagine lifetimes of despair and guilt followed him
compassion and empathy slow to form over millenia
forgiveness elusive
he still can't get it right
I see them clearly now

come, fantastic creatures
guide me through earth night
brothers, sisters, teachers,
remind me of soul's light

I see your expansive spans and shades
silver, magenta, midnight, puce
as large as moons in the void
or small as molecules, too tiny to deduce

I listen closely
and let my third eye roar-m
to catch glimpses of your flight
and mythical extra dimensional form

majestic wisdom bearers
join my body expansion
we'll envelope the world
with comical compassion

desire is an intoxicating pain
howling at the winter moon
he paces and stares at me hungrily
leashed and growling low
I approach timidly
as he presses towards me against restraint
and unclip
his collar

he rounded the liar's bend
falling into pointless cruelty
it made him feel special
     hey- how much cruelty did it take to make you feel special?!?
for years he went on
kicking puppies in the dark
spitting on women while they slept
spouting senseless accusations at hapless bystanders

until one day
he found a willing **** to return the abuse
he so knew he deserved
     it was love at first curse wasn't it?!?
off he went with her
henpecked and bruised
still kicking and screaming
into the sweet misery he sought

he was never heard from again
though a mound in his missus garden would suggest
she had the last word

I like a good tease
the suspense is infiltrating
building an amusement park of expectation
despite all efforts to release expectation
the heart beats a little different
like a freshly tightened drum
a bright timber echoing

I have no hopes or dreams
just a simple enthusiasm
for new love

silent dancer
led by moon light
love paralyzes the tongue
until compassion learns to speak
earth, air, fire, and sea are equally understood
self is equally understood
as projection becomes a healing light
rather than a glass of hidden pain
the owl dances
in the parliament of life in love

the earth is a ball of metal fire
guarded by dragons and deceptively peaceful lions
I answer the call madam, maiden, lover, crone
with rivers running through my veins,
flames leaping from my skull
trees growing from my palms
and flowers filling my heart
on the silent wings of night birds guiding me to my station
I answer the call

the enormous snake moved slowly and steadily across the landscape
metallic and smooth, a silver train
holding possibilities like passengers
unconcerned with it's destination
it had no beginning or end, like most mythical snakes
all is well, was the message to my mind
you are on track

he plays all the cards right
I am taut, straining to see his hand
I need an edge