My sweet, Forever-Beautiful..

I am flying out to Port Angeles Washington  in a few weeks
to see my Mother  who is 92 years old and dying.
My middle sister and her husband live there.
My Mother is in Sequim, which is the next town over.
She has her own apartment but will be moving in with Elaine
by the time I get there.
She has been fighting cancer for almost 20 years now.

This is what I want to say to you, sweet-one..

My trip out there is where the rubber meets the road  within
all that I have been saying to you throughout the years..
and without what I know will happen there once I am with her..

       my love is not Awake and Alive,  
       but only the empty ramblings of a deranged man.

My father died suddenly in 2013 at 83,  but spoke to me  on the
phone for two hours just the day before he passed. It was one of
the most magical two hours I have ever experienced.
Most of his dying wishes were for myself and my sisters,
and all of his grandchildren.. that we all would be able
to carry on in peace..  free from the pain and chaos,  
which was all we knew when young. Momma needs to know
that not only is she forgiven,  
but that while she  remains here with us on Earth..
    she is the light and Joy of my life.
She is my Momma, sweet friend.  It hasn't been easy.
She (and my Father) no longer have a hold on me  
they once did years ago.  I am going to go out there
and kiss her  and my sisters  and thank them all for my life.
I am as a hero in the eyes of my three sisters, who have
not all been as fortunate in the overcoming process,
but have all done well in the process  of getting well
  and sometimes, in just trying to survive.

I love you, sweet Beautiful.  I always have.
You can do this, girl..  you can  feel and become  the freedom
of all of who you were placed here on Earth to be..
and you will become able to do it   fully and completely--
in full relationship with all of who it is that you are
within your own, beautiful self.
I came across you for a reason.  You were the most defiant
and mischievous of all, yet have turned out to be one
of the very best souls I have ever known.
I will never let you go from the place you hold in my heart
   and I will never stop believing in you.

       I'm gonna be with my Momma soon.  

I have never-ending  kisses for her.  She told me recently  
that I am the most special man she have ever known.
Those are much different words than the ones  I had hammered
into me when I was a little boy.. so many years ago.
You and I have much in common that way.

She's from Denmark. She would have truly loved you
within the magical aura that surrounds you wherever you go..
had you two ever met. She got into the 12-step process  after
her and my Dad split up when I was 13. By the time I was 25,
she was a completely rehabilitated person.  But even now
she carries that deep horrendous, soul-killing darkness in her.

                I have kisses for her.

I will gladly take that darkness on  so that she can feel..
even if for just one moment, what a world of peace
and freedom  truly  feels like.

   Darkness has no hold on me, beautiful girl.
   I am no longer that little boy.. who by her choice,  (to not)

         .. was made to wear it--  

         over.. and over.. and over again
         until I had become  completely broken..

                                                    -- Completely.

    When I was young, I unknowingly  carried  for her
                     what she, herself..  would not.
    Now that I am a grown man--  through volition alone,
               I will  gladly  for her, take that **** on
           so that she won't ever.. ever again,  have to.

                                     .. Gladly.


    I love you more than you may ever know. 🌾🌾xox

.. fully give it a try;

Why not  just
fully lay it all down

    and roll them bones?

They say,  "God, in us"
  and "God,  with us"

but does anybody  really
believe that to be true?

What if it is simply this--
That in order  to save us
the image was placed  in to us
         of  Pure  Being
   .. and you wonder if there is
   enough of it  within you
   for you to give it a try,
   so I say to you, this--

There is enough of the Absolute
within you, not only to save you
but also  the whole world, entire..

--A whole world that is filled
with all of creation  that each
has within them   enough
to save not only them
but the whole world, also
   in its entirety

It is not outside you
it is not  of  you..

         .. it  is  you.

and also in you  is
every single part  of you
(or better said,
the you that you 'think' you are)
which is the parts  within you
  that refuse  to
  get out of the way
of a Power  great enough
to save the whole world..

that resides wholly  within you.

You want to be more powerful
than that intense of a power?
   You can.  

   Through the freedom
   of autonomy. .    Boom.

..Until the end of all things;
when your  current
power here on earth
becomes  no power

whatsoever,


  at all.

Arms outstretched ,

her awakening spirit--
  Stardust-clad,
within the celestials..
These pirouettes,  bourne
on nothing but air--
   ((free air..))

She is beginning;;
and as she does
her spirit stretches back
to a time  before creation;

..as she Unfolds
as she  maintains
underneath  this blanket   of Love
   she  now  feels.

And like  a hen
that gathers her chicks;
her newfound  wings
pull all the  pieces  of her  own heart
back to her self..

Back to her-self


       (( back  to  herself. ))

There is a responsibility, borne
within an online conveyance
   of the heart
when it comes to publicly posted poetry..

For within the conveyance of words
released into the Universe..
(words once residing  within
the inner linings of heart and soul..   words..
now made seen and known  to all)
is the deeply embedded DNA
of the author,

wherein lies the accountability;
when those words,  bearing
genetic imprint
enter into the heart of another.

I write  specifically
over things touched within me
But try to convey it
in a sense..  Universally

so that it might be taken  in
by any and all

.. That the benefits of Love's beautiful ways
may find access into the parts of the heart
that need it most..
sometimes, sneaken in  and finding root
before the receiver is even aware..
bringing, inside the recipient's skin

    healing

     But also the potentiality
     of becoming hurt.


I am sorry.

You
(and most everyone else in the world)
rarely, if ever..  talk to me.

But I watch you just the same
solely  by what you write.
My existence causes pain.

     That..  I know.

I love you more
than you will ever know.
I would stop writing,  but I don't know how
There's not a 12-step group
for these things

I dream of one day being killed
for who it is that I am.
I dream.. and then I smile.
But I do not smile at all,
the times I see that you are hurt.
I have real arms,  
   ..within this poetic world
   that is so very intangible--
When you cry,
they could not truly show you
it's okay

They cannot show anyone
that it's okay
Everyone's afraid of me
like I'm some kind of perpetrator
So I will die alone..  judged
for things I have not done


So I am sorry, my Beautiful--
It really is all my fault
for ever truly wanting to see.
   All I ever wanted to do
   was become able to see

and overcome the  hurt
that  long ago so horribly hurt me

You've become hurt
by my ability to see.

I'm sorry.

"A 'sociopathic perpetrator'..
we will ghost him  forever"

But what is this  thing
  she feels..

Why is the picture  painted
so very  different
   from  the  one
   she now  remembers?

"We will help her to forget."
            .      .      .


The saving of one's soul
from that which would steal
is not done  in violence
   (Though it still   feels
   that it should be)

It is done in patience,
and in reminding one
of who it is they truly are.

     Tell me,  world
     of who you think
     a father  should be

And watch  me laugh
my mother-*******  *** off.
Tell me all about it,  world.


  And I will show you all
      what truly saves.

Imprinted   in to the  fleshwall-
linings   of my very spirit
resides a photo of you--

(staring at your computer screen)
      with a genuine look  of shock  
        and disbelief..

..And before I could even yell Sam
I was receiving     by you
the most horrendous,  publicly displayed
****-kick  I  have  ever  received.

It only stayed out there for a short time
but online, a "short time"  
            ..is exactly as an eternity;

       So I pulled back  in self protection.

I had been dickin'-around  out there
in a whole 'nother poetic-realm..
playfully finding words and verse  comparing
my wildly-passionate virility

    to that of a well-honed precision,
    high powered performance engine

And two clear babes  showed up  in the comments
   and let me know
how impressed and affected they were
by what it was they were reading.

   So naturally,  me being a single man..
         I responded.
    I never knew them before, or ever saw them after.
    End of story.


                    ..Almost.


Young,  beautifu­l Wildling--
I never knew you even gave two ficks and a ****..

Until I saw that picture  of you..
staring into your computer screen
in raw,  disbelief--

      ...the wind,  fully knocked out of your sails.

So..  clearly you buried yourself
in  multiple two-fingered  snorts
of your favourite "spurned lover's"  little helper happy-juice..
and once you reached   the intended goal

     of full-blown,  *******--

You performed some of the most Machiavellian-****
I have ever seen in my life.  

           (But it fell short of its  intended goal.)


Nothing can remove you  from the love  of you
                                        that I feel in my heart.

What you thought was destroyed,
was immediately forgiven
   Solely because of that picture  of you
   that is now,  forever mine.  Solely.

   There is a dream,  beautiful girl

   ..And nothing  you can do  
                  can make it end.
                  (The restoring of you   back to you
                  is such a central part of that dream.)


    The restoring of you, young beautiful..       You.


            
            Mm.

    Shhh....   listen..