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You
Embraced my chaotic waves
My mess after madness and
Braved my sullen storm
Reaching out your hands to
Accept the broken me
Calming my hysteric nerves and
Eagerly sailed along  
Deep in the darker side of me

Mysterious our horizon may be
Even in these surges of uncertainty

My soul felt a different you
Only one who truly understands
Ripples of memories behind, that
Even my dimmest night will end
~
it all burns
  every saccharine melody i drink
from your lips to my ear
hot as paris in the summer rain
every sauter, plier and relever
with grace, i dance away
~
you always
get
my stomach
in
a twist

making my
innards
clench up
like a
fist

punching their
way
out
from the
inside

climbing up
out
of
my
throat
leaving
my
lips
dried

i'm so tired
of talking
to the dead
in my dreams

having conversations
in my head
with no one,
it seems

licking my
cracked lips
and rubbing them
raw
with my
callused
fingertips

hearing
the skin
as it rips
and falls off
in
little
bits

nothing is ever over
until the world ends

where one thing stops
another begins

and i hate it

i do

it makes me so sick
watching my clock
constantly
waiting for
the final
tick

but nothing ever ends
it just starts again

repeating in my head
making my heart
and brain
spin

it never
ever
ends

it only begins

my lips
fall right off
and my
severed mouth
grins
There you are knocking at my heart,
I don't know when it started
Maybe centuries or was it yesterday?
Unknowingly I was being coloured by you.
I am unaware of my first wish but now my time flows through you.

There you are knocking at my heart,
I am already afraid of the cold days without you.
Are you a dream? Maybe a mirage?
Because like a lie I am clinging to you.

There's this book in my hands,
it's cold, even the ending is sad.
I am not insane to smile or read to a sad story.
But strangely, I keep opening you up.

I keep reading it page by page,
like I would touch the moon.
In between the visible lines
like there's a secret prayer just for me.

Now I am weeping willow, but I can't close it.
Even though this story is like the thousand others,
But I secretly keep wishing to
the broken stars and dried wishing well,
Maybe this one will end differently.
 Dec 2021 F Unting Cuckface
Oli
the simplest thing I ever dreamed,
to take our clothes off and feel each other's normative bodies
with our vague residual memories of a high school campus ingrained in our brains from weeks and weeks
of being a part of something moving
so motion sick with dizzy heads and reddish cheeks
the bulimic teenage messes that we deserved to be
under tables he begged first for scraps
scorn the loving hand
big wide saucers
eyed up and down
you leaving and him following
with a bird in its mouth
- did the night take you
did they have you for dinner
at midnight when you crossed
the tracks
walking beside shadows
did they take you

did they take you?
smashing bowls over heads
and the dog still waiting
hands clasped open
it’s maws

is the bird alive or not
the last time I saw
I was horrible
taking spins in the car
you dragged me by my hair
and showed me what was love

we were two moonbeams dancing
on the cusp of our death
and i’ve burnt out for you
a million nights since you left
this whip is bright like lightning
black matted as a punchthrough void
i swim through brackish waters
to get to cleaner waters
to escape all of the sick dying fish around me
to flip my fins and get far
to feel the warm sun under the water
and the cool moonish nights
but in these vinegar waters
all i see is muck, coughs, cries, screams
broken fins, bottom feeders
in the clear clean waters where they laugh,
where they stay in schools, where they
lounge by coral anemones, out in that northern sea
soon i will be, part of their world

epeiric waters is where i belong
you have to take me right now
from these cold, foggy, murky lives now
swim me there, i can keep up
for once I was believing in myself
believing there could be something I
could be good at, decent at, something
I didn't have to fail at: but before
I even got to do it I became interrupted,
obstructed in this belief: for once I felt
I could be empowered, I could explore
myself through something but now that courage
and confidence I thought I could grab
seems far away from me. I feel defeated
and broken before I could bloom.
Please, water me, so that I can continue on.
I know you cannot bloom for me, but please,
water me. Please give me sun.
sometimes
i can't tell
if it's strength
or weakness
that keeps me here

it's something
i ponder
nearly every night
while
i'm trying
to fall asleep

never afraid
of the dark
but terrified
of the light

holding
and gripping
ugly memories
tight

sleep happens
but i never feel
rested

the vessels
in my eyes
fill with blood
as i attempt
to rub the tears
away
and the salt
tears up my skin,
making it pink
and raw

i've attempted
to heal
with pills
and doctors
who ask me
how
i
feel

but how
do you
explain
the unreal?

that your mother
tore your heart out
and stomped
with her heel

and your
father
blew his brains out
without
telling
you
how
bad
he
feels

i'm left
humming tunes
to songs
that don't exist

while
trying to forget
the memories
i missed

doing my best
not to get ******

but, ****

what the hell
am i
even
still doing here?
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