thinking about you doesn’t help me,
and it doesn’t help you.

yet i just can’t seem to stop.

today, at the age of thirty,
I became an orphan.

two empty seats will be at my graduation.
no family at Christmas.
the last living member in this lineage.
no brothers or sisters,
no aunts or uncles.

millions of years of evolution,
and natural selection,
will end when I die...
and I will have no family to mourn me,
as I mourn for my mother today.

and maybe it's better that way,
because no one else deserves
to feel the immense loss of death.

I'm not okay, even though I know everything will be

eventually

I love you. Still.
Forever a secret
Between my heart and
The silence that engulfs me

When I first met love
It took me in its arm
And twirled me into a world
Where I could no longer
Be okay with loneliness.
It dropped me in the dust.

I was a foreigner here.
The only reality I knew before
Love left me stranded
Was dark and quiet,
Comfortable and terminal.

I was bound to fade away
And my time was almost up
When Love ripped me
From my grave
And ****** me into
Its strange world.

Here,
I settled into
My tragic fortune.
Waiting for Love
To dance with me again.

Our first dance
Was too furious to survive.
Love tossed me
Like a ragdoll
And spun me so fast
My head nearly
Detached from my body.
Love went for the lift
And dropped me on my face.

The second time
Love took me by the hand
It's gentle swaying
Almost made me forget
About our first disaster.
Softly, Love turned me around.
I turned once,
I turned twice,
Lost in rhythm I closed my eyes.

Now Love turned me again
And when I opened my eyes
Expecting to greet the face
That hypnotized me,
Love was unfamiliar.
Distorted and cruel,
Love changed to Narcissism
And left me in the dust again.

One more time
Love asked me to dance.
And I said,
"Stay away from me.
I won't fall for it again."
So Love shrugged and
Began to waltz without me.

I watched in disbelief
As Love moved
With a new kind of grace
And fluidity.
It didn't need me
To create such beauty.
But with patience,
Love waited for me.

So I stepped in
And Love let me lead.
Love bent with me
And caught me
When I dipped.

It seems
All we needed
Was the right music.

tell me what you need,
my love,
and i'll break
bend
reconfigure my bones for you.

instead
you hold my head
under the waves
and tell me to
"just breathe".

you wanted something more
so i gave you everything i have
but you forgot to give me
what you've been carrying.

now my head is pounding
and all i can feel
is your hand on my leg
holding me close
and your words in my ear
casting me out to sea.

what more can i do
to dig my way close to you
how many layers
of twisted wire
do i have to sift through
to see your heart.

you see mine
in all its bleeding glory
but i'm not sure you even know
that you've built a bridge to your heart
but impossible riddles keep us all from crossing.

i don't want to beg,
but please,
don't push me away