Laughter jaded by the debris of frowns
Glee of seeing my cousins, spun into a web of pain!
This reunion is a funeral for the lost
Basically the dead, because she won’t return again!
Every person looks into my eyes and I can tell
That everyone else is also in Hell
Just wondering what had to of happened
For there daughter, niece, grandchild to have such a blackened heart.
But please i’m trying to move on
Already starting in the direction of healing and that makes me insane!?
Is the core confusion in conversation around the dinner table, seating forty five
“Please everyone we will all survive”
I say it loud but barely believe it myself
This was supposed to be a party, but turned into a part of me leaving.
Feeling like I’ve only been disappointing
That I messed up something
I’m reassured that the tears are not my doing
Family reunion two months ago was basically a funeral. Everyone was so sad about my ex wife leaving me.
Turning what looks dead into only sleeping
Dreaming while dead was deceiving
At the very depth of my despair
When there was no oxygen in the air
You made a path for my nightmare
To be changed into my greatest weapon
I understand what breaks your heart, in breaking mine
Change my every morning from endless mourning
Thanking you for the reconstruction in my destruction
Am I whole to you father or a mistake
Did you forget to finish this masterpiece
You don’t make flaws in your paintings
Your every brush stroke made with precision
Guide my decisions choosing you over my own will today
You are my way
You are my truth
I will forever hold onto you
And your promises guarantee
Saying the past me is nothing
Compared to your blood stains on me
My testimony hunts down the enemy
I speak it proud
My breaking point is your starting point
All darkness hides from the savior on the tree
Lyrics for my band Covenant Waters Worship
My options are few
I honestly only have two
Wait for you......
The equality in pain strains my soul out of my body
Floating above myself saying “somebody help that guy”
My own soul doesn’t recognize me anymore
I’ve become a frail pale corpse of just existing
Negative purpose deeper then the surface of the hurt on my face
I positively have no place to race at the pace I use to run at.
My body is worn down to much
The chest I kept joy in before has been stolen
The X marked the spot, you hit the jackpot
Stealing away yourself, the only treasure I had
The hole that was dug created a cavity
Not one that a dentist could fill
But one that made me empty without you, my sweet Emily.
No pill or drug can take my pain away
As my soul still apart from me thinks maybe life is better this way?
A soulless existence with no feelings to have destroyed
Like a robot or just “some body” null and void
I’m so jealous of your ring
Everytime the crowds arms go up as I sing
I see those diamonds glisten in the stage lights
I had one to show off too
Still I rub the tan less spot with my thumb
As I’m trying to entertain you all I’m just falling
Calling out for help, for somebody to love again
Elated faces glowing through the smoke
The couples arms in praise together
For what will hopefully be forever
These are some of my thoughts as I sing
While looking at another Queen and her King
To explain art I have to start somewhere
A space to right what I was wrong about
A place to think the answers I want to know
To search out and find where my heart hides
Where my song resides
A hole existence
With a void
Or a whole life full of joy
I write to hear my pains, and see your smiles
to explain what I can't speak aloud during the miles
Traveled in this life
Boots worn down to broken souls
Souls worked into accomplished life goals
The tolls that made this face happy
Were paid in blood sweat and tears
A poem for artists.
The hurt, hurt people I know thats true
It’s just sitting in your car with you
Seeing confusion, and being cut in two halves
One half “in” conflict, the other “sane”
I obtain some hope from hearing you differ
Between what’s right, and what’s quicker
Leaning in with tears
Not always remembering our years together
Thinking we can be friends still after eight?!
How can I relate to someone like you now.....
But continually more love I feel somehow
For the wife who ran away
Snuggling up to the next guy on the way
To finding her self out
Dehydrated by the tears, and constricted by the fears.
Thinking of the years that disappeared out of your eyes and your ears. In almost an instant.
Shattered like glass on stone, watching you linger your eyes to another
While I’m home alone trying to not smother you
I have left Is a single strand, even after the pictures of you and him make my legs unable to stand
With furrowed eyebrows, I browse to find the heart you took from me.
Like the unstoppable roach, you cannot approach
Me with nuclear war, the bomb might be enough
To destroy mankind and commandeer an unclear mind
Its just that I became immune to the fallout, I created the antidote
It took time and i'm always perfecting the potion
Every war has a way of spreading a new emotion
Have you seen my ring?
Its old now, and worn out
Its seen fights, and tears
Through the years, through every outcome
It sat right between my pinky and my thumb
Not the finger I used to point out what was going wrong
Or the one I used to say "I never loved you either"
It was on the next one, over.
I wore it proudly, it brought me a sense of worth
Now that its missing i'll move heaven and earth to find it
My hand is confused
That finger forever internally bruised
From the force of losing it so quickly
It thickly layered scarring on my heart
It is tarring me apart
I would give anything to find my missing ring
I am the abandoned son
Sun just isn’t shinning on me
Sitting in a forever shadow
Warring happy camo with a smile on that’s through and through fake
I can’t break more then I am already broken
Nothing I said I’ve misspoken
It’s what I still feel waiting for you
While I hug the pillow that still has a scent of your shampoo
Going on three months......
I am so afraid of talking to you
Reality let loose by your venomous soft lips is hard to hear
The few messages I send have no response
The pain that ensues pursuing an answer from you is where my fear resides
Besides believing in a miracle to happen
Directing my satin sails back to clear waters
I do not deserve such a beautiful ending
Or do I?!
Wrote this one about two months ago but had it in drafts. I wanted to add more but honestly I think it grabbed that moment so well.
I don’t want to cast my wish on a lucky star
The stars i've wished on are leaving scars
Looking for something to get me through
Another night that’s ending soon
Forever and always my eyes on you
Forever and always my eyes on you
Forever and always my eyes on you
Forever and always my eyes on you
Could you take all the weight,
The weight of this sorrow
Take all my pain away
For today and tomorrow
Break every chain and
Forever I’ll follow
The son in my sorrow today and tomorrow
Be my everything, everything, everything
New song lyrics for my band Covenant Waters Worship
I have know where to spend my “non dollars” after it’s been cashed in for non sense
this new currency isn’t viable, nothing is buyable you have to see.
That I have trouble finding who to be
After the catastrophe......
inspire from the cleansing fire of my own experience
Or I could sit in shame as the man who sat back and took the pain but did nothing.
make a difference with the change I’ve received
change my mind mid sentence, sentencing my sorrow to jail.
So my tomorrow is more then hail and storms
But tomorrow reforms my pain
I declare standing in the rain
The victim will no longer be me, I shout in victory.
To wrap up my year with Christmas cheer sounds like Hell.
And you can take my word for it too
I know what Hell is like now
I’m no grinch, I mean carols starting after thanksgiving is interesting but I’ve always felt that way.
This year the holiday is bleak, and grey
The spark that was there is gone
Tainted traditions, filled with great memories
There just memories that arnt coming back
Our bed beside the ping pong table in the basement that grandpa fashioned from random wood to make a frame.
Finally made into a bed....... but no way will I rest my head there anymore.
I’ll stay away instead
I want my peace back
I want my heart back
Dreading Christmas, and broken traditions.....
Take in the moments that make you smile remember them for awhile,
because the moments that make you cry are right around the bend,
they’re enevitable in the end
I pray Easter is memorable and can be a mark of happiness for months to come.
The pages that I rightfully write, are to right a wrong
They are an attempt to sing a new song, a new melody
To try and shift a paradigm of my confused insanity
IT'S JUST "NOTHING MAKES SENSE" ANYMORE
Tear stains on my cheeks that you have to answer for
In sorrow for today and tomorrow and honestly for months to come
The thought of your little finger wrapped around my thumb
As our hands happily danced together, for what was supposed to be forever interlocked as we walked
But maybe "nothing" is exactly what needs to make sense
Being satisfied with nothing, is how to receive everything
I sit in my car for hours lately, I don’t want to go inside
The house I go home to daily isn’t home
It’s drywall, siding, and a couch that me and my home use to cuddle on together
I’ve been home less because I’m homeless right now
With my cardboard box, and Help Me Please Sign
I try to make unorthodox thoughts to re design
my homelessness issue
"It's just not possible at this point in time, to realign
my mind to see loneliness as an opportunity"
I say talking to my therapist next to me
You can tell me the stages of grief, and what I will feel
I just simply cant deal with it.
What does my future hold
The untold story of me would be helpful to see
the next step to make
My name: Mistake
I'll make my name known often
To walk a straight path in this combat zone of fear
My name is proclaimed loud and clear for all to hear daily
With every land mine hit is a word audibly heard
"You were a mistake of a husband, I shouldn't of married you"
"It was a mistake staying with you for all of these years"
I tried hard to defuse the explosives awhile ago
Believing the meadow was clean of the obscene
But I refused to take the time needed to re-fuse each bomb correctly
It bubbles up in my chest like a contaminated effervescent drink.
I can’t rest, I can’t think, existence is inconsistent
I am shaken and going to pop
when in this state of mind
The capitol is anxiety, it’s a city I can’t escape from for to long at a time
Even if I travel away for the day
There is no permanent solution to the strength of this pollution inside of me.
I just cant seem to slip this funk
I can mask it with some junk, or some friends
Sitting in a haze, in my own minds maze of dubiety
While people laugh around me, I try to laugh too
The smile on my face is to please you, its just not true
To how I am really feeling on the inside
I could explain the feeling as numb
I could explain the feeling as hardened
And the dumb things friends say are instantly pardoned
Because they just want me happy, and hopeful for something more
I just wait for peace of mind, and rest because
This funk continually ends my days, and starts my "mourning's"
Is there a reason
for this season
Lord give me a sign
I need your voice
While I’m feeling
Hopeless to survive
You who always saves
The one who almost got away
Made a way for me to start over again
What looks like stealing is you giving
What looks like breaking is you healing
What hurts your heart teach it to mine
I’ll find my shelter in you this time
Your the author of it all
when nothing makes sense
Prince of peace to hopeless
Running to my defense
Song lyrics written for a new angel.
A storm before meant a day inside. But now i can only imagine rain drenched hair and dancing in puddles with my wife. You don’t know what you had until it’s gone…..
Lazy romance is worthless words and actions that are meaningless. The sender is a believer that the receiver is fooled the romance is real and thoughtful. But the rouse can only last as long as her own internal fuse. The truth of the lazy attempts become reality when the going gets tough, but the tough have processed to move on. The scar tissue on her heart knitted by the needle of my skillful hand. A hand trained over time in half heartedly loving her believing that she is feeling more love than the effort I am putting into it. What a realization of how long she stayed around during a season of drought. Thirsting for love from a well that’s been dry for way too long. How can I expect her to go to the same dry well for love after continual trips returning with parched lips. The spring I’ve been holding back has been dammed shut with brick and mortar. But brick becomes dust under the pressure of losing her forever. The love flows out onto the floor because she’s taken her bucket elsewhere for what looks like more. Laced with arsenic, and silent killers the water she’s receiving is deceiving. I am the untrustable dry well though. I have no say into where to find clean water, because I was producing poison once of my own. Even when fresh pure love returns and fills my reservoir it’s too little too late. The wife who longed for this specific well has gone and won’t take the signals to come back. It just looks like bait now, like a trick or a scam. But only if she knew that the dam holding it all back was broken that the water is pure once more.
Did you know that the pyramids were built with happy faces and hydrated bodies.
It’s true I wouldn’t lie to you
Or that the the single mom down the road raised her four great kids easily on her own.
With zero fears and zero tears
Nothing is built with ease
Nothing is achieved fast
Rivers will flow from our eyes
and we pray it to pass
Screaming GOD WHY!?
But this is temporary, we are under construction
This season is not our destruction
This is just the building of a stronger structure
I can’t handle the truth of what’s happening
I’m dodging it, I’m running from it
I was hoping I could stay in my own lie
So I could lay down and sleep finally
It was working pretty well
The facade is over now
The smoke and mirrors are gone and I don’t feel strong anymore
Confidence of there being a chance dwindle to nothing, as if the candles wick is done burning
My heart is inconceivably broken
When I was awoken by the reality of my wife being gone
I’ve come to this conclusion many times but all through some delusion my mind made up
My body couldnt handle the reality back then
Hell, I can’t handle it now
Please God save me somehow
A dusty road and tall pine trees on a cloudless day filters light through the trees in such a way reminding me that even dirt can be beautiful with light present.
“You make beautiful things out of the dust”
How many times I fall and you continue to catch me is unimaginable. The addictions I bare are tattooed on me but hidden. Yet the continual pursuit when i'm hiding things from you and the future you want to give me. The hidden is comforting to me, its simple, its cheap, it makes sense to me, it’s become a learned behavior. The hiding spot has always been dark and scary but with each passing round it becomes darker, and scarier. Something is telling me that any light there is a bad idea, and would ruin the advantages I have of it being so dark now and so hidden. You asked if you could play, and I said close your eyes and count to 10, but you already knew where I would go. The same places I have hid so many times before but I forget time and time again that you always know where to find me.
Pay me to pay attention to detail she says
Coax me into listening to your soul
Beg me to stay when I leave
I think- Not any longer
Someone wants to pay attention for free
With no coaxing or begging
They just want to genuinely know me
For who I am on the inside and out
I know longer have to pay
For someone to wanna know what I’m about
Someone cares about my soul?!
Ill stay on your doorstep, wait in the rain, pour my heart out again and again. Sleep this off? It’s impossible to sleep when the brain learns to run.
Sleep why arnt you my friend?
Why can’t we get along?
Nights without you make my days so long.
I’ve been seeing you less and less
When I should be seeing you more
Three hours a day is not enough
Give me at least four
I’m just so tired of not being tired anymore
I can’t sleep anymore....... PTSD? Starving soul? Idk I just want to sleep again.
Will there be a night with no crying?
I’m trying to hear the meaning of this all
But every time I’m close to the end
The beginning starts over again
Winding roads of questioned intention
Leading me away from any safe place
Daybreak to sundown I wander
Looking for truth
But even truth is longing for an answer
To the definition of this all
What use is this now
What good comes from more rubble
You’ve tried me in fire, you’ve taken my heart
And I haven’t left your side
I’ll still abide through the trouble
Just make it stop!
Let me sleep! Let me rest!
I have given this my best
Yet still the test continues
8 months of tears every night..... I can’t do this anymore.
Only when I’ve forgotten where I’ve gone I know how to get to where I’m going
The past lit by mistakes and sorrows
But the morning speaks of new tomorrows
Coated In a dew of a new beginning
Clean cold wind, filling my every waking breath
While walking in the clear sky’s morning
No warning or alert toward harm or death
Or threat of loosing it all again
A single kiss on my smiling cheek is the only thing of worth
In this rebirth of the happy mans story
This is the beauty of the other side of pain!
Stay in place don’t move a muscle
Wait for me and I’ll be back after the struggle
After some time.....
But I waited for longer then the next guy in line
I gave you space, and even grace
But you spat it back in my face
There was no judgment from what you needed
No condimination for a changing woman
I signed up for the change
I said I do to the new you forever and always
But you couldn’t recognize that, could you?
You couldn’t tell that I would go through Hell
For the woman I married?
After every struggle, after every tear through the years, I made a commitment to God to never give up and he provided, he filled my cup.
But the cup lays empty with no one to fill
When the relationship believed nothing could save this, nothing will........
Faith the mover of mountains
Hope the eyes to the blind
But on top of my faith mountain I stood with hope filled eyes, just waiting.
But nothing changed
Days and nights fell off the earth as I kept Singing
For something more in store
To restore me and her
But divorce came and went like paper in fire
The paper never stood a chance with that desire for destruction.........
I gave everything and became heartless ash
Pain filled molten hot black soot to my root
I waited, I cried, I tried.........
I gave it everything I could.
My heart is bound tightly in knots made of razors
No bows or bunny ears to make this bond easier to untie
Pain confined to a pit in my stomach, and a hole in my soul
To painful to keep, and to painful to let go
So I sit in the middle plateau
The "how are you's?"
Answered behind a crooked smile of "i'm fine, how about you?"
I look better, I seem happier, I seem healed
But these cuts were closed with ugly scars to bare
Something I wrote awhile ago, I wanted to add more but re reading it now I think it’s good how it is.
I carried pain as a burden, but pain saved me!
I was in the dark but learned light
The shrieking echoes of memories I fight
With love now
Not with anger, or fear
But understanding to perservere
Through moments of doubt
Through times of tears
Because I know that your always near
Teaching me of the smile in the frown
That the smile is just upside down
Proclaiming victory in the storm while I morn
That no matter the outcome
I belong to peace
And I have a home in the found
— The End —