You were my friend
My recovery buddy
For the thing that lead to your death
I am so lost for words
It can't be true. It just can't be
You were my closest friend when it came to it
I thought that you were doing OK
But you weren't
I know you were trying so hard to fight it
But it won in the end
Love you so much and I will miss you so much more
Bye Tia

Tick Tock
Time goes slow when you're in hospital
Tick Tock
What you think was two minutes was actually one
Tick Tock
You feel like your losing your mind and that's what they want
That's what your mental health wants you to feel like
It's punishing you for going to hospital
Tick Tock
Every second you're in hospital, your mental health is thinking of punishments
Tick Tock
Careful what you say because it determines how severe your punishment is
Tick Tock
Beware of the traps they set, the psychos that is
Tick Tock
No one cares because you are not suicidal
They let you go to let you suffer

My life is a mess
I found a pair of scissors
Now my arms are a mess
Everyone think that I'm okay
Truth is that I'm not

I have depression, anxiety and eating disorders
I am a 105 days clean from cutting and chocking
But I still get the urges
Some days the urges aren't bad but other days I'm close to hurting myself

I used to get called an emo or an attention seeker because of my scars
I am paranoid that I have become a disappointment to everyone I know
There is one person who knows what's wrong but she doesn't understand me

I can't live with the mistakes I have made
I don't believe that there is anything or anyone out there for me
People judge me because I'm not skinny
So I restrict to be like everyone else

I self-harmed because it was the only thing that helped me feel alive
I self-harmed to feel pain
I self-harmed to get even with what people have done to me

Self-harm is not just cutting, chocking, scratching or burning
Restricting and purging is self-harm
I'm not clean from self-harm completely
I'm close but to stop restricting and purging is harder then ever

This is me
I don't like me one bit
It's a miracle I have made it this far
I don't expect to be here for much longer

Why did you do this
Why didn't you ring me
Why was I not there
You know I would have helped
You took my heart
You were there for me as I was there for you
So what was different this time
I would do anything for you
Now that you are gone
I can't recover
I wish that you were still alive
But you're not
So I have to go on by myself

Saying goodbye is hard
Especially when the person is good
Helping you when you thought you weren't worthy
Why does it happen?
To let these people go from your recovery
When you have people constantly leaving
Makes you wonder what is wrong
It's your recovery so you should decide who is on
Not let the people who rarely see you
All you can do is say thank you
Thank you for your support
Thank you for caring
Thank you for listening

A cry for help is what you do once in a blue moon
This thing that you say that you need help but it never comes true
You keep on fighting with the voices and the demons
They control your every move
But you know what you have to do the night you cried for help
You have to hurt yourself in order for the demons to be happy
You have to do everything they say to you have to not eat for a week
You have to not do this for a week
You have to work out every day
You have to whatever the demon tells you to do
Because if you don't then you die
It keeps going on all day and all night
When you cry in your room cutting your arms and cutting your legs
The blade that you hold is the demons voices and the demons actions
The next day comes and you're thinking about crying for help
Instead you just say what the person asking how are you with a lie
They don't care no one cares about you
You go back to square one of telling no one that you are struggling
You put your boundaries back up
You tell what they want to hear
Truly you just want help and need help but that is not given

Christmas is nearly everyone's favourite time of the year
Reasons mainly being with family
However people who don't like eating don't like Christmas as much
Everyone finds something difficult about Christmas
Whether it's money, family or eating
You can't do your usual hiding technique
How do you prepare for it
You don't eat for the week before, you workout to lose weight
You know that you have to do anything in order to prevent yourself from gaining too much weight
Christmas is torture

Mental health issues
Is not something to joke about
You have friends for a second
Then they leave you
Your case manager is ****
He doesn't listen
The only person who listens is your gp
Your family doesn't support you
They just say **** IT UP
Hospital is no place to go
All I want to do is end this fight
The fight that has been going on for so long
I'm just done fighting
More scars on my body
And I don't care
Take No Doz to not fall asleep
To prevent from any nightmares to occur
Just to fight another day
A lighter looks like the perfect way to hurt yourself
But that sensation doesn't last for too long
All that's left is cutting
You see the blood drip down
But that's not enough
You think that if you cut deeper
That it will end everything
But that's not the case
Nothing helps anymore
Life just isn't for me anymore

Do you have people who care about you
How long have known them for
Have they said that they will stick by you
Do they or do they leave

They say that they understand your condition
They say that they won't leave even if you push them away
You're giving them an out
Because you know if they leave when you need them the most

Do you think you are a good person
Have you been there for them when they needed you
Di they reapat back by being there for you
Or do they say you are too much to handle

Do you believe the things they said
Or do you believe that they are wrong
Were they in a bad mood
Or was this a thing tbat was going to happen eventually

Why is it that there is a stigma around mental health
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not real
Everyone gets some form of mental health in their life
Not everyone understands why.

Labels, what are they?
You are not defined by the labels of mental health
You are not defined by doctors, or psychiatrist
You are yourself, you are more then a label
YOU ARE A HUMAN!!
Who really cares what labels you have
They are not you
You are yourself, you're the one working
You are the one who is hanging out with friends and family
Not your labels

First slice
You feel pain
Second slice
You don't feel numb
Third slice
You continue slicing
Keep slicing until the numbness has gone
You think that this is the only thing you can do
After multiple slices
You start to regret what you have done
You see the new scars that you have created
Blood soaks through your clothing
Red on your hands and down your legs
Next morning
The day before is present on your body
You gave into the urges but didn't cut deep enough to die
The voices aren't as pleased as what they would be
But you pleased them enough to quiet them down

Why would you do this
Why did a simple procedure go so wrong
You were the only person in my life that tried to understand me
Even though you abused me and did the things you did
I still love you
You are my rock

First coming into hospital
I was concerned about not having anyone
Or being the youngest patient
It was scary because it was a new thing

The first few weeks weren't the best
Being told that I would be sent over to the public
Not knowing any of the nurses
I felt so alone

Weeks go by and I am still getting used to how everything goes
What the intentions of the nurses were
Or if the other patients would understand me
If I would meet someone my age

Now that I have been in here for two months
And the talks I have had with the nuses
Has inspired me to get better
Recovery is a long path

Life is
Recovering from mental illnesses is harder
You never know what day you will have
If it's a good day or a bad day

You just have to go with the flow
It's hard but in order to recover you have to learn to net let things get to you
Letting go of the past when there are still issues that need to be sorted out
Doesn't help

I'm not going to lie I am nervous about recovery
I don't know if I am going to recover fully
But what I do know is that I don't want to be this way forever
I want to be able to travel

Life is a mystery
Life is unknown
The beauty of life is that it is a journey

When you're tired and in hospital
It feels like everyone is against you
The demons come back stronger
You can't do anything but listen
All you can do is what they say
No medications are right
You're eating but there's no finish line in sight
I can't do anything right
All I'm doing is the wrong thing
Why is it that no one understands
I don't do things consciously
Half the time I don't know what is happening
I can't wait until I get enough meds to overdose
Then I can be left alone

You say you're fine
But you lie all the time
I'm fine is just another lie
What you truly mean is you need help

You go about your daily life
Hoping someone catches your lie
Every step you take gets harder each time
No one knows that you're struggling to stay alive

The phrase that you use over and over
Is just a way to get through the day
Until you get home and no one is there
You start to cry and wonder why no one caught you saying a lie

Another night fighting the demons
Not the monsters under the bed or in the cupboard
But the demons in my head

This battle has been long
It has been 10 years of fighting
And still not getting any better
Slowly these demons are winning

A few more scars on my body
I don't feel any better about it
These nights are getting longer and longer
Taking a bit of me everytime

These demons are getting stronger as I am getting weaker
Wondering how long this battle will go on
I am losing hope in this journey of recovery
Every time I feel like I'm getting better I self destruct

Why is it that I am wanting to be recovered
When all I do is self destruct
I am crying out for help but no one seems to hear me
These demons in my mind are controlling my every action

Stuck in hospital
No one coming to visit
All you have are other patients
They don't understand what goes on in your mind

Psychiatrists don't listen
They say the same old things
Discharge you when you're not ready
All they care about is the money they receive or don't receive

Problems aren't being sorted out that needs to be
Only focusing on one thing that is a side effect of the major thing
Nurses can't do anything besides push you
They don't understand

It feels like no one is listening to your cry for help
No one cares if you go home and hurt yourself
No one cares what happens after discharge
Why should you care if no one else does

What is a mother?
I thought a mother was meant to be there for you
Not to have favourites
But I was wrong
I never had a mother
A mother is meant to be caring and understanding
But my one isn't
She is not my mother she is just another person
That does not give a crap about me
I finally realise that
She is not there for me and never has
Yeah sure having a dead daughter
But then having a daughter who really is so codependent
Where in her heart can she fit me in
She does not have the capacity
I take soo many pills at night to get Sleep
I thought that she would have changed since Dad died
But she didn't
My hopes of having a mother is gone
I am just the disappointment daughter
Or as she calls me a burden
What type off mother would call their own daughter that
I guess the one I have
I am a burden hence why I try to **** myself everyday
I might actually succeed this time
I don't want to be a part off this so called family
Listen to surface pressure
I am the daughter
I am not the oldest
Everyone thinks the song is about being the oldest sibling
But I am the youngest
Life is not fair but she does not give a **** about me
This is me signing off for the last time

It's one thing that can help sleep
Once you start there it can become an addiction
It helps me think and study
Stops me from eating
Stops me from being scared
It just helps with my feeling and emotions
Stuck in my room alone
It's the one thing that can help
Isolation is fine with me
Family is hard though but I don't mind or care
It has always been this way.

One afternoon I said to myself,
"Why isn't the timeless more profane?"
A timeless is sacrosanct. a timeless is spiritual,
a timeless is numinous, however.

A creative, however hard it tries,
Will always be part.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the creative,
Gently it goes - the whole, the all, the component.

How happy is the wooly charismatic!
Does the charismatic make you shiver?
does it?

I'm a ghost, slowly disappearing
From this terrible world
A world full of opinionated and judgefull people
The say the hardest simple thing to make my life harder
Yet i am just able to stand up for myself
Just a simple ghost passing through this world
Hopefully I will be skinny enough
To pass through everyone