Here I am 5 years later.

I’m asleep but I dream about the stress of a job that I dreamed of years prior. I cry over a job that I once cried in passion for. I think about the job just as much as I did those years ago, but for different reasons.

Today is an exact reflection of what you were thinking five years ago, someone said to me. It was all a thought you had five years ago. It made me happy, yes- emotional, too. But I wonder how much of that emotion was indeed for my accomplishments in that time frame. Did I feel unsettled, like I had seen the accumulation of five years of seemingly wasted efforts?

But I love my job, I tell myself. This is who you were meant to be, others tell me.

Do I exaggerate as I write this? Surely.
but that small voice I’ve been burying seems to be finding some confidence as of late. Or maybe it has always been there, just growing concerned for me?

It’s okay, I’ll figure it out.

looking back at my previous poems
published, deleted, drafts...
its become clear that i have forgotten part of my identity,
who i was before i left my poems in the dust.
observing the transformations in my words
reminds me of the words of my inner saboteur.

I remember the person who supported my writings,
my thoughts, my feelings...
someone on the other side
who wanted me not to succumb
but to compose and understand
why I felt such sorrow each day.

re-entering my world of poems,
the emotions i archived reflect
periods of my life.
One day i hope to recognize
the impact i made on myself
and the progress that has been achieved
throughout my year of words.

What you have done for me
has saved my life
thank you

these dragons are no longer my terrors,
they are my friends
how grateful I am for you showing me
that I don't have to hide who I am
because of the wolves that stalk me
and taunt me

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SEE CLEARLY

I sometimes forget that I do work hard.
I'm no Einstein heaven knows
I do put in the effort though
And when the results come back
I tell myself I deserved it
for not practicing enough

But when I reap what I sow
And life starts piecing itself together
I feel good
I don't hesitate to show my accomplishments
Because there are only so many aspects of life
that one can say they have conquered
I feel blessed to say that I will aspire to be greater
And I will continue to challenge my intellectual muse,
Mentally, Emotionally, Physically.
We all will study the music,
and one day we will harmonize.

its not a good sign when
you stop writing your words
for those that may be willing to lend an ear;
its not a good sign when
your computer doesn't recognize the hello poetry url
that used to be so deeply embedded into its system;
its not a good sign when
you feel your poems no longer have meaning
it is pointless to write anonymously to no one
its not a good sign when
you have to fluff your scripture
to make it more believable to readers,
or maybe yourself.