I wonder if anyone listens,
but it doesn't really matter.

It's 3:43 AM.
I can't close my eyes.
My hearts beating too loud.
My stomach is twisting.
I don't want to be anyone's trouble.
Will I ever be something?
Could I be your honey?
Even though, I have no money?
I need to work.
I'll buy lotto tickets.
Do I have to strip? Or do ****?
What does it take?
My first payment is two-hundred and thirty-six dollars
twenty-three cents.
It increases after two years.
I don't have a job yet-
I graduate this May- if I don't die.
If I don't die, I will have to pay
this November.
Our anniversary is in November.
Better find a government job.
Make that cash!
I don't want a sugar daddy with a white mustache.
She said, "Everyone has loans."
Yeah, but I'm no one.
What does it take to get paid
loads
loads
loads
of cash?
I didn't care for money.
Capitalism grants me
no choice but to
Wonder what it's like at the bottom of the ocean?
No structure- it's dark.
I'll become fish food,
in some rich man's aquarium.

He ****** up.
He knows this.
There was no amount of pain she could have caused him
to make what he did alright.
The more time he spends remembering,
the more he wishes he could forget.
He could never tell her how far it went.
Some might think she deserves to hear it-
but he knows she values her ears,
and she'd probably never believe him anyway.
So he thinks she deserves to be spared.
He still thinks about her,
on colder nights likes these.
Wondering what it would have been like to spend it
with a bit more ease.
If he never left her,
if he never did what he pleased.
It might have been boring,
but at least there was peace.
It might have been unfulfilling,
but at least there was nothing to prove.
It was easy love- what they had.
She put up with his tantrums,
cradled him like babe.
He wanted more,
and he didn't like her lies.
So he made up his own.
He knows he never could go back.
But he still thinks of her,
on colder nights like these.
He sees her name come up-
and wonder if she could still make him smile,
when his heart hurt. Like she used to.
She probably would.
But she deserves far better than him.
And he deserves to learn.

I fear everyone-
especially you.
Because no one is just them-
a person is never just a person.
They are a network of people, of passions
and memories that spark when
you experience.
And I would hate to only remember
how you taste,
in a vague passing thought.
So I fear you.
I fear losing you.
Because the network of my circulation
has your love in its center.
And without that-
there is only chaos.
I fear it
I fear everyone-
especially you.

I can show you exactly what it feels like
to miss someone-
I can show you the meaning of a real
tender love- unconditional,
and give you all of it in an analogy
about watering plants or something,
and pray that you'll listen for a second
and learn about me,
but sweetheart,
expectations are the vapors that escape my whispers,
and they can't be seen
as much I can't be heard,
and I know they won't be remembered
when I blow them in your face,
seductively or not.
I know you know how to play a ***** game.
And while I'll try my hardest,
my darndest to play it better-
I know what it requires.
I know you have it and I don't, and if I were to,
I wouldn't be your sweetheart, would I now?
No, I wouldn't be me-
and every time I realize how much power
I give that stellar smile of yours,
sweetheart,
it doesn't seem to show up.
I know when it shows up, though, because it always does.
It shows up when I've lost hope,
and I'm feeling flighty, lost, and ready to beg-
when I'm terrified it'll never show up again,
it shows up,
and I feel saved.
But tonight, it's going to play differently,
sweetheart.
And I know you'll chop this up nice and fine,
to be something you're proud of me about,
because you know,
I'm just your little sweetheart,
but tonight,
I'm going make something out of this empty I feel
when you're not around.
I'm going fill it up with my stellar smile,
and show myself the meaning of a real
tender love-unconditional.
I'm going to take the loneliness that fills me,
break it up on this piece,
and smoke it away
while learning my life is better,
sweetheart,
without playing your games.