I pace along the cold, sterile halls, the stench of cleaning supplies and death invading my senses. I struggle to keep my breathing even. I can’t break down here. I have to keep it together. I can feel the burn of the nurses’ sympathetic glances like an iron, leaving their marks of pity seared into my flesh. Their hushed whispers drift to my ears and I clench my eyes against the tears threatening to stream down my face.

They don’t know what they’re talking about. They don’t know about the promise you made me; that when this was all over we’d walk out of this cesspool of disease together. I take a deep breath and lean against the wall for support. My heart feels as though its on the verge of shattering, each breath sends waves of piercing pain into my chest. I wrap my arms around myself, hoping to hold myself together, to keep the pieces of my soul from crumbling apart.
The ring resting on my left hand seems to weigh a thousand pounds, as I look down at the diamond glimmering weakly under the fluorescent lighting. I stare at that ring, searching for the answers of what the future holds for us.

I’m still staring at that **** ring when the doctor finds me.

“Mrs. Payne?” I hear a voice call gently. I jump slightly, looking up into a pair of concerned grey eyes.

“It’s Ms. Roberts,” I correct him softly. “We’re getting married in the fall.” my voice is so quiet, I’m not sure if he heard me or not. I’m not sure why, but I have to make sure he understands when the wedding is; so no matter what he tells me, he knows you’ll be there to take me as your wife in just a few weeks.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Roberts,” he says. “If you follow me, I’ll take you to your fiance.” I nod my head robotically and walk stiffly beside him through the double doors which had been sealed shut for what seemed an eternity. He leads me to a closed door and pauses before turning the handle. He studies my face as words pour from his mouth and I nod my head methodically, not hearing a syllable. All I can think of is you waiting on the other side, with that crooked grin you save just for me.

“Do you understand what I’ve told you ma’am?” the doctor asks.

“Of course,” I say, smiling weakly and he frowns slightly but finally opens the door. I rush inside and with one look at the bed I feel my stomach drop and the world spins around me.

Your skin is deathly pale, lacking the natural glow that always seems to surround you. Tubes and wires connect you to the many machines sitting nearby, almost as if you’re a human pin cushion. I move to take a step forward and feel my knees buckle.  The doctor grabs me around the waist and leads me to the chair by your side. I sit down heavily and vaguely hear him mention that he’ll be back in a moment. It’s as if my entire world is collapsing in this one moment.

We’re completely alone now and I allow myself to really look at you. Your face is so peaceful, lacking the pain that’s twisted your handsome features for so long now. I wonder what you’re dreaming of, if you’re even dreaming at all. I reach a shaking hand out to touch you and cry out at how cold you are. I entwine my fingers through yours and squeeze hard, begging you silently to wake up and tell me how ridiculous I’m being. You always were the reasonable one, talking me down whenever I let my imagination get the better of me. However, the longer I sit there, the longer I listen to the sound of your heart monitor, the more I doubt what you said.

I feel a single tear slide down my cheek and bring our joined hands to my lips, pressing a kiss against your skin. The doctor is back now, followed by the nurses and their looks of idiotic compassion. As if they could possibly understand what is happening. He puts a hand on my shoulder and tells me it’s time. Time for what? I keep my eyes trained on your face, waiting to see those warm brown eyes of yours meet mine and sooth the pain away.

But your eyes stay shut and suddenly I hear the sound of your heart flat line. I watch as what little tension there was in your face fades into nothing. I watch the moment death lead you away from me. The nurses try to comfort me and lead me away, but I can’t leave you. I clutch your hand against my chest and feel my shoulders shake. There’s no stopping it this time. You’ve left me. You were my world, my everything and now I have nothing. The sobs wrack my entire body as I let go of the fight I had left. You told me you would always be here.

*You lied.

The night settles around me as I make my way down the winding path that leads away from the old iron gates. I let my mind wander as my body carries me forward to the spot I’ve been so many times before. There’s a heavy weight on my shoulders and I bite my lip against the pain that threatens to tear me apart. How many nights have I spent here since you left?

The wind gently ruffles my hair and a faint smile crosses my lips. I breath in the cool air and feel it soothe my thoughts. This isn’t why I’ve come here tonight.

My legs come to a stop and I take in my surroundings. The moon bathes the area in a pale light and the willow trees sway gently in the breeze. There’s a sense of calm that envelops me whenever I come here and I feel it now, wrapping me in a sphere of tranquility. I sink to the ground and lean against the stone the way I have for years now.

The flowers that I left last week are starting to wither, the edges of the once brilliant red petals curling in on themselves. I let my fingers brush against them and rest my cheek against the chilled marble. I remember the first time I came here. My mind was spiraling into insanity. I’d gone running down the path in the darkness, feeling as if I were fighting to stay alive. The tears that blurred my vision had my make up streaking my face like war paint. I’d collapsed in the spot I am now, throwing myself into the dirt and letting the sobs rack my body. I stayed there like that, reveling in the pain and anguish I felt until dawn brought the light and unwanted help. I felt so betrayed when you left.

I squeeze my eyes shut, pushing the painful memory from my thoughts and shake myself. I clear my throat nervously and stare down at my hands.

“Hey baby, it’s me again.” I say quietly into the silence.

“I’ve been keeping myself busy like you wanted, I even got a job.” I giggle and glance up.

“It’s not much of a job, but it’s something. And I…” I take a deep breath and steel myself against the wave of emotion that washes over me.

“I met someone.” There. I said it.

“He’s a really nice guy, baby. He asked if I wanted to go out sometime and I told him I’d think about it. I was going to tell him no, but then I realized something.” I blink away the tears that I can’t hold back any longer and struggle to keep my voice even.

“I realized I want to be remembered by more than just a tombstone.” I choke on my words and dig my nails into the pad of my hand. I try to get a hold over myself and smile weakly. You always hated it when I cried.

“I’ll always love you baby, but I have to move on. And I know you’ve been telling me that for months now… I just wasn’t listening. I miss you so much…” I wipe my tears from my face and swallow the sob that tried to escape my throat.

I climb to my feet and rest a hand on top of the stone that stands in your memory. I know I can’t hold myself here forever… You wouldn’t want me to anyway. I lift my hand to my lips then press a kiss to your grave.

“I love you. Forever and always.” I whisper and turn away. As I begin the walk back through the cemetery I take in all the markers of those who’ve come and gone. How many of them were taken away too soon? Or left on their own?

I reach the gates and cast one look back to where you lay and I see the light shining on your flowers. Only instead of withered and dying, they’re as fresh as they day I left them. I bite my lip and smile, looking down and laughing. I blow one final kiss and walk away with the memories that will last forever and always.