The black monster,
It is in my bed,
I can feel it,
It is warm against my leg.

I am telling you what I feel,
But you don't seem to listen.
You don't hear the words I am saying,
The pain in my voice.

I am yelling at you,
But you don't hear what I am saying,
I scream ,
But you are deaf for my pain.

And I scream,
Try so hard to be heard,
But you don't seem to listen,
Am I not to be heard?

I want to hold you in my arms,
And shield you from your fears.
I hope you know I believe in you,
And just how much that I care.
I'm sorry for the things that occured.
Will you let me hold you once again?
I won't let go this time. I promise.

Pretty little dolls
With their makeup on
and their clothes just right

I once was a pretty little doll.
I wore my makeup.
Had my pretty clothes
and my hair done nice.

But I was still never liked.
No no.
Never an ideal,
Society didn't want to play with me
I was not to their standard still
I was looked down on by Barbie.

She was the pretty little doll I could never seem to be.
... I don't want to play dolls anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back,
Like I'm ******* back,
Back in the life I used to live,
Back in my old body with a weak chest,
And caving in ribs,
Like every single muscle is so relaxed,
Because it has no reason to move.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back,
Like I'm living in the past,
But I'm more alive than I have been,
And I am again who I once knew,
The person I am at heart,
Along with all the love,
And the sadness and pain.

And it hurts,
It hurts so ******* much,
I remember that I'm dying,
But I feel most alive,
When I am who I am,
And I'm not who I'm not,
And I live as myself.

I escaped myself for some time,
For quite nearly an age,
I was just like everyone,
Who lives in their minds,
I focused on my ego,
I pursued my selfishness,
And I neglected the humanity of others.

I was Normal.

But if I'm to stay that way,
I need to be smarter than that,
Than to return to any things of my past,
Any parts of myself,
I just can't look back,
I can't remember that life,
Where I was for so many years.

I am here now...
And I remember now...
I am alive now...
And I am myself now...
And it's difficult to make the decision now,
Wether I should accept the new hollow person I became,
Or to return to the person with mind and heart in harmony.

I am Not Normal.

Because despite my unity of soul and spirit,
The link only exists as it degrades,
And with it degrades the rest of me,
All of which I once was and am,
My health,
My sanity,
And my existence.

And it splits me,
From a single central point,
In every radial direction,
Making pieces out of me,
Like a puzzle no one puts together,
Because the masterpiece painted on it,
Might be too much to want to see.

I don't think I've ever truly understood the concept of having friends.
Is it that guy that whenever we hang out, we always get ******?
Or is it that guy that forced me to open up to him, yet we only talk twice a year?
Or possibly that girl I always wanted to be close to, but she never let me in?
If so, having friends sure is lonely...

I have to write the things I can't tell you
It's been driving me insane
You treat me like I'm your sister
And you probably think I'm a pain
But thirteen years is too long to scribble your last name in note books
Play pretend with dolls
Daydream about a wedding that will never be reality
It's so unfortunate don't you think
I choose the wrong guys
You choose the wrong girls
They say I don't want to ruin what I have
I say I don't want to lose what could be
But how do I confess my love
To my life-long "buddy"

I used to count the stars
when I was anxious.

It was beautiful when
they fell from the sky.
Everyone took pictures
and spoke of the
art of destruction.

There are no stars now
and the night grows cold
and all anyone does
is ask *why?