You
Tore apart
All of our memories
Inside your kingdom
Of thoughts.

You
Broke the promises
of an "I love you's" we had
And push them down
Into the dark void
We once filled.

You
Spoke the words
That meant the world
To my lifeless life
And pulled them inside your mouth
Again
While I fell down the floor
And crash into a million pieces.

And you
Wondered
Why I hate you so much
And why
I always love you
For that?

Your thoughts of me
Are unspoken
And are understand
By me.

Please,
*i want you to know that i do
i do
i do hate you
i do
love you

Crushing you've come, traipsing through
my fruits and flowers, to stalk after dark, my heart
disguised in scented garlands, your secret blood and art
do you think me cruel, maybe a fool, or maybe
just a lover of summer white moons
with stars and tricks and the air too hot
my mind is asunder, I've fallen under
hypnotic spells you weave
and now it's really
far too late
to leave

it has been one year, eleven months, and four days since i last saw your face
since i watched your hand raise to your lips like a nun in silent prayer in a farewell
just for me
through the ***** window
as i held the folded up note in my hand like my heart that was drawn with the words i needed to explain to you that I was scared I would forget how to breathe with you gone
that i still needed you
and then you were gone, your body disappeared out sight
it has been one year, eleven months, and four days since you left
and now i have something to say
i was sixteen years old, and my eyes were bright
i was sixteen and the way you dragged your fingertips across my back as you walked by like mice scurrying across the floor made me feel more than i ever thought it was possible to feel
how naive of me
i was sixteen and when your rough lips grazed my ear like an animal stalking its prey my heart exploded for every single possibility that your words held
i was sixteen and every time my father struck me i could feel it reverberating through my bones because my tender mind hadn’t caught up with my aching body yet and i knew  i knew that you were wrong
but when you stroked my hair and kissed my fingertips and your hands grasped my waist like you were holding on for dear life the only truth i could hear above the frantic beating of my heart was that you wanted me
that you validated me
you weaved your hands between my ribs and slipped your fingers around my heart and when you left YOU RIPPED OUT MY HEART AND TOOK IT WITH YOU
YOU SHATTERED EVERY WAY IN WHICH I THOUGHT I WAS WORTHWHILE

i’m not sixteen anymore
and i spent one year, eleven months, and four days trying to make the pieces of my broken self fit together in the same way that they did before your eyes become the reason that i smiled every day
i’ve spent all this time trying to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault, wasn’t my fault, wasn’t my fault WASN’T MY FAULT
I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY SAY BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TELL ME IM WISE FOR MY AGE WHEN I LET A MONSTER REDEFINE THE TRUTHS I THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT MYSELF
it has been one year, eleven months, and four days
I want my heart back

****** whispers into my ear,
'come closer, I want you here'
pulls me closer and our lips first touch
his tongue is rough, but it's not enough
hands grabbing my waist, my *******
don't stop now, no time for rest
I feel it against me, our bodies grinding,
he lifts up my leg, were in perfect timing
he pulls me close and slides it in,
back and forth, my head starts to spin
slow or fast
I want this to last
all night long
this is where we belong

High school high,
from over there.
Mechanical hips,
wire hair.

Low count sheets,
cigarette burns.
All alone,
I have learned.

Initiate
what you will,
we chase love
until it's killed

****** winds
across my room
as I sleep,
my body blooms

On repeat,
my hurt is blue
don't feel bad
you can hurt me, too.

it
takes
a lot of
desperation
dissatisfaction
and
disillusion
to
write
a
few
good
poems.
it's not
for
everybody
either to
write
it
or even to
read
it.