Last night
I dreamt you came back
You waved cheerfully through a window
Came out to greet me
And we embraced
I can still feel the fabric of your sweater
You were wearing black and white as usual
But something was different
I think it was the lack of sadness
In my dream you were happy
In my dream you came back to me

These words are long overdue
But each time I sit before the screen
It seems too impersonal
A keyboard is incapable
Of showing how my hands shake
This paper holds the tears I shed though

All of the late nights I spend praying for sleep
I am unable to because I know
Miles away you lay on your floor
Music pulsing
At the same tempo
As the blood that flows freely

How am I to sleep
When I know you stare at the same night sky
I feel you lie awake
Making me unable to close my eyes

But when I think of this
Tears threaten to overflow
I no longer can pick up my phone
To see if you are truly awake

Sometimes I hope you think of me often
But I don’t want you to feel this pain
I have lost my tether to reality that was you
And no matter how you feel now
I know you lost the one
Who knew you the best

How have you been Dear?

I wish I could have called you last night
My mind was slipping
And the walls were closing in
But I couldn’t call you
I had to fall asleep on a tear soaked pillow
Trembling in fear

Thinking of what you would have said
Has stopped helping
Now I think of your tired voice
Telling me it will all be okay
Makes my throat close
And my head spin

It’s scary to think of
How things change
Who do you talk to now?
Who has taken my place?
Do you love them
Like you loved me?
Do your fingers hover over my number late at night?
Can you feel that I need your strength?

Has it crossed your mind
That I’m scared to let someone else in?
Once I recover
From the constant shock
That I can no longer call you
My fingers rest calmly above someone else’s number
But my heart races
If I let them in
That means you will never come back
I already know you won’t
But letting them see
All that you have seen
Will finalize it
I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet

But I know I need
A new tether to reality
‘Cause freefalling
Isn’t healthy

How has this occurred?
I have become such an oddity
Those who call themselves near to me
Are unable to comprehend

When things first started with us
They told me that I should leave
After we started to fight
They stopped listening to me

Now almost two years later
I finally have ended everything
That is all that they care to hear
That they won’t hear of you again

What they don’t understand
Is that you are still on my mind
We had a lot
Your were many things to me
Girlfriend
Best Friend

You were the one that I called
Everytime the world came crashing down
No one else seemed to care
Had no idea what to say

Now everything has ended
And I don’t know who to turn to
When memories of you
Make my vision blur
My head spin
My heart ache so painfully
That all I want to do
Is dial your number
With shaking fingers
Ones that have dialed you
Too many times

When you come to mind
I have no one to turn to
They all have hated you
For so long
No mothering arms
Or friends to embrace

All I have
Are more memories of you
Of how I ran to you
With tears in my eyes
As my heart got broken
To many times to count
By all of those who
Claim to love me
Families that tormented me
Death that threatened me
Be it mine
Or that of others
When nothing seemed right in the world
I ran to you

Now that you are gone
Where do I belong?
My safe haven
Is long lost

I refuse to cry now
You have told me so many times
That it’s good to cry
But you aren’t here to catch my tears
To make sure I don’t fall
Again

I’m lost without my center of gravity
No matter how much we fought
You were there when I needed you

When I was lost in the rain
Afraid of new beginnings
You were who I called
We hadn’t really talked in months
But you picked me up
Made sure I was okay

When no one cared
That he left me
You handed me shots
And said it was his loss

When my family became unbearable
You talked me down
It took hours
But you never spoke a word of hate

I think that’s what hurts me the most
You never did say anything wrong at the end
All you did
Was pull away
No communication you said
I had lost your trust
The one thing I never lost
Through all those fights

Now I’m left here
Full of pain
Depressed but oddly at peace
Until my mind drags up
The picture of your face
I want to yell and cry at nights sky
But I know you are looking
At that same moon as me
While still getting lost in the stars

You never sleep
And now whenever I do
I don’t want to wake again
But I don’t have you here to calm me
I feel so alone now
Even when we fought
I knew you would come
When I decided to take my final breath

I know with certainty now
That no matter how many times I may call
You won’t pick up
And I will be alone at the end

You left before you
Could find someone
To take your place
Now I’m left here
Alone again
Just like you found me
But there's a difference now
Then I had never had anyone
To hold me at my worst
Now I have
And I don’t know
If I can go on alone

Now when things threaten
You aren’t here to make it better
Your memories hurt more than help
I am more lost now
Than I was then

Honey I’m not sure I can make it this time
I feel so broken
Without you here with me
You will just have to see me
On the other side
Please tell everyone
I’m better now
That you knew me better than them all
And that this is what I wanted
What you don’t have to tell them is

That I died because of you

The ground beneath my feet began to give in.

My heart began to break and my head began to ache.
Every word you ever said began to pound inside my head.
But it wasn't over, no.
I was bound to fight for you, but even the words I tried to speak felt like an open wound on my heart.
The day you left, I lost a part of me i'll never get back.
A part where three years, a coffee stain and 6 unfinished books lingered in my head.
The day you left I lost myself in an abyss of broken promises, 2 hour fights and make up ***.
Yet you're still the only thing i'll never forget.