I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared I'll never be loved,
I'm scared I'll never be held,
I'm scared I'll never be wanted.

I don't know how to change this.
I'm not one of feelings,
I can't express them.

I'm scared my thoughts will push you away
I'm scared my bones won't hold me straight
I'm scared I'll never find a way to
be loved.

"Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
is something like Chandler would say
But what if I can't even make my own
defense mechanism protect me?
What if you don't like my jokes;
the only thing that might be good in me?
But that's not even the problem, is it?
I can't even find strengths to tell'em out loud
I can't even let you decide if you'll laugh or leave
I can't even

I'm scared, okay?
I'm scared that no one will ever know me,
will never want to know me
I'm scared I'll never find the words to fool you,
to make you think I might be interesting
I'm scared no one will ever think I'm worthed
of spending their whole life with
Why would they?
I'm just a quiet dull girl

I'm scared, okay?
Because
I love myself, okay?
I do.
I'm scared I won't ever find anyone else
that will love me as much as I do
I'm scared that's all that's left for me
Keep being one thing only:
unlovable
as I've always been

Unlovable?
At first I thought it was a label assigned to me
showing in the way I sit alone in crowds of people
laughing at jokes I don't find funny
and allowing myself to remain static.

Unlovable.
And then it was a challenge
a
'how can I make you like me today?'
'what do I need to do?'
Because of course it was all my fault.
That all others could find was fault in me.
No longer rigid static,
but yielding conformity
my personalities clashing
but crafted with artisan flair.

Unlovable!
A prideful statement.
Untouchable.
Bitterly, bitterly free
from all expectations
placed on me.
Singular.
Alone.
Strong in solidarity.
Perhaps not lovable to you;
but lovable to me.

I sit alone at the table
I watch as my friends walk past
Failing to meet my soft gaze
Do I look pretty to you?
Or do I just look
Like something that you've never seen?
Why do you look at me so,
When you know you have no feelings
For me, other than to loathe?
Can I ever be loved
By a person who knows?

I see the couples making out in the halls
Their passion bigger than their egos
Which are big enough to cover the earth
In one fell swoop
Darkening everyone's door step
But not a single person will look at me
For I fear that I am ordinary
Just another person in the crowd
Unseen to the naked eye
Can I ever be loved?

For I know that you'll never share my feelings
You'll always fail to meet my gaze
When I bump into you,
You'll be repulsed to the point of running away
Surrounding yourself with danger
Is not going to keep love away
But it has for me
And now I want to give way
To the possibility
That the danger will never fade

Can I ever be loved?

If I couldn't feel
Would you call me strong?
If my eyes never started to well,
Would I be good enough?
If I was dependent
If I was putting out
Would I ever be liked
By someone that I loved?
Or would there still be no one

If I was less of myself
More of everyone else
Would you think that I was nice?
If I blended into the crowd,
Would that surprise you?
Would it make me
Just another victim
To your sightless eyes?
Or would I just be no one?

If I was a girl that could be loved
Just as easily as it spilled from my blood
Would you love me then?
Maybe if I was pretty enough,
Perhaps I had a smile,
If my defense wasn't to be rough
And live in constant denial,
Would you see me then?
Or would I still be no one

I am tired of living under a guise
Of words that cut like a knife
And being unseen
To the nakedest of eyes
They wonder why I am so tough,
Why I have never shed a single tear
They must think that my life is fine,
That it's better to hurt than be hurt
But they don't no how much hurt
Goes into being no one

The only motherly thing I knew
was the coldness of my blade;
gently washing away the
sadness of my burdened heart

am I really that hard to love?
or am I just unlovable?

it's my fault for pushing everyone away.
it's my fault because I'm never there.

it's my fault.
is it?

am I really that hard to love?
or am I just afraid of getting hurt?

am I really hard to love?
should we love?

how does one love?

am I really that hard to love?
or it's just we all love differently.

what is love?