.
Memories are shuttered —
In the out of doors closing,
For five eternal years we were,
Once married beside a church,
Beside a tomb.

And our hearts were simple, freed
Among the moss of grey stones,
Pebble beach and wayfare wishes
And wild doves seemed always
To be hovering.

And our only bed, growing ever
Cold as a cup of leftover wine —
We drank in sacramental prayers
Never uttered, never declared,
After all that was.

As it was after all, only —
A mere, makeshift dream.

I don't see you anymore
I can see those books
You were reading
Few still trapped in cellophane
Waiting for you to liberate
And walk with them

Your pyjamas and yeah,that grey tee
You loved it so much
That we bought six of em
All are there
Looking at me blankly now
Asking what now...

Your watch still on the table
Ticking but not
I see your ideas all over
That old blue rug
Those silly comics poster
The sickly coloured socks

And
O for god sake
That wand of yours.
Come back if it works
You idiot

I see you
Stumbling over nothing
Jumping around

I see all of you
So many of you
Everywhere

But only one of me
Looking for you
amongst all the memories
Wanting that one of you
Any-******-one
Come out and
Just look at me
And break a smile
In me;
Please


I see self in the mirror
My life shrinked to my eyes
Dead eyes
Your imprints all over ;
All over the house, the garden, the kitchen
The floor, the plates, glasses, remote, this world of ours,
The air I ll ve to breathe
On me which I ve to live with.

On me.

I don't know why I feel this way,
when things should all just feel okay.
Maybe it's my battles with mistrust,
or my constant fight with my own lust.
All these problems I just can't ignore.
My mind's not large enough for them to be stored.
Alone I feel I have to work this out,
nobody here to save me from my own doubt,
again.
I feel so alone again.
I feel as if I have no friend,
where are they now?
I've come to my end again,
this whole time have I been playing pretend, with myself.
And all of you, I think about you all the time,
But when I'm lost and icy you escape my mind.
When the color fades to black and white.
I don't hear any voice from the outside,
nobody with me on such lonely nights,
please take the wrong away from all the right,.
Tears only come out in the dark,
and they're coming straight from my own heart,
They were probably there all from the start,
just hidden away to never show part, of me, again.
I've lost touch with my friends,
at least that's how it feels again,
and I know this ain't the end.
But it smothers me again.
And to all my friend's faces, I miss you.
It's not that I try to forget you,
but it seems that no one want to be around someone so blue.
Though that's never the way I think about all of you,
me and the rest of the world so differently choose, again.
The doubt eats at me again,
attempts to consume me at no end.
And I cannot just pretend I don't miss you.
Bring me back to life, away from this.
To escape from my seemingly perpetual abyss.
I was happy, what had happened.
My mood has changed and all turned saddened.
Probably a lack of human interaction,
Loneliness just don't go well with my satisfaction.
Cause what's the point of walking life if it's a path traveled alone,
yet all the time I know this Earth will never be my home.
Maybe I'm always acting in the shadows of something else,
deep in my mind, afraid to show myself.
If there's nothing else, I'd like to say,
once again I feel like such a cast away.
Left in my own mind, such a vastly place.
And like any room it's much more comfortable to share it,
problem is, it's apparently difficult to comprehend it.
And when you say I'm deep, I'm probably tired of shallow.
And nobody else will, so you're welcome to follow.
I can't be the only one with this design of mind,
and yet I hear of everyone being unique so much of the time.
Yet so much of the response I see is so much the same,
but who am I to be the one to put on a blame.

.
We came to the wild beach
To picnic,
But the waves
Were breaking and rushing in,
The wind was gusty
And cold,
Was moaning a faint
Dirge.

In soft and plain
Footfalls,
Over the slide of sands
We made our way
Into the covering
Dunes.

The dull pressing sky,
The white gloved waves,
And sharp grasses,
The call of scything gulls,
All things were grey
And hovering
Dark and faded that day, but not as much
As the few, ordinary, words we spoke,
To each other
We cried,
To each other
When our tears dusted the sands,
We were saying
Goodbye.

Pt. 1 then
I've needed to go but I decided you were more important to me
Maybe sometime if you read this you'll know what it all means
I like to be vague as a joke but for you I hope it's clear to see
what you mean to me.
I meet a lot of people and I tell them their the best,
but there is something I notice about you that is different from the rest
I knew you were cool, and beautiful from the start
But what was even more appealing was your heart.
Someday I hope you're in a place that's truly happy
in this life and in this world, will it ever be?
Oh how much I hope that it'll be
I mean every word but there's so much more for me to say,
and I hope I find a way to do it somehow, someway
And I'll strive forever to do the best I can
to continue improving myself as a man
For you and this beautiful cruel world I'll do the best I can
Just let me know what I can do to make you smile
To fix your world and make it brighter if even for a while
And I might fail but I'll strive to do it perfectly, all for you
I've seen the pictures of wires across you and your face
And I knew instantly you were never meant to be in that place
Oh how I wished to rescue you and take all your pain away
Let me take your pain away
Pt. 2 now
And yes that's all very real,
very much how I used to feel.
And still I'm a little embarrassed to say rereading this felt so surreal
But I'm an emotional person, and these feelings tend not to last.
But half of that is how much we interacted after you coming back.
I know you made an effort, just like how I did.
And to think otherwise would be stupid.
And I thought I was connected,
but connections don't work one-way,
and now this is the price I have to pay.
I know I helped you some,
not nearly as much as I'd have liked.
And I can only help what's in sight.
Maybe it's that you might have hid,
probably not what you did.
But all things I got to consider at least once in my head.
Can't help what we are now,
maybe you'll need me another time.
And if you do remember you're still a welcome friend of mine.
And again this is very real,
and now this is how I feel.
Again I'm a smarter person and I hope you too are mostly healed.
I know a bit of what you've been up to,
I got friends with a snap so it hasn't been hard to figure out.
I just wonder if you've any guilt, but that's something I doubt.
You're not too stupid a person, after all of your life I am sure.
But right now do you know of any goal you're going for?
I know I'm not the only one to think this,
just someone thinking of you right now.
Still hoping that soon you'll be happy somehow.

The waves of September crashing hard,
Onto the shore of deserted island,
Sculpting a sand sculpture of two lovers,
That promises forever but lasted a jiffy.

Still in blue from the bitter truth,
But what can I do, the choice is yours,
To stay or to leave.

Sensing the scent of yours,
Every night,
Smell like the open sea and cold cosy night breeze,
A little bit of dampen forest floor,
With wild black roses and daffodil.

In the night of middle September,
I thought I have deceased you from my thought,
But I am hiding you further and further inside my mind.

The waves are no longer violence now,
The moon is no longer blocked by dark clouds,
And I am no longer blinded by feelings.

I lied.

Without you,
I am but a flower
without light nor water -
Slowly
Withering away
And die.

{E.I}