somewhere along the lines my favorite colors got blurred.
it was forever blue until it was silver
silver didn't last long I liked porcelain more
that one didn't last long either I learned to love red.
red always went away I liked white to though.
but only the kind of silver you can write with on the porcelain.
the silver that turns the porcelain red and cuts it.
the silver that tears you apart
leaves you with little white scars
so I guess I like white to now?
wow that red didn't last long but it sure pains me to see it go.
the silver is pretty though I still like it but
it  still looks even prettier pressed on the porcelain skin of my arm or thigh in the winter time
so I guess I still like porcelain to?
but then the skin rips under the silver
it turns red and I remember how much I liked red.
a it fades to white I think about my colors and why I like them.
from blue to silver to skin color to red to white.

bathing in your own blood
skin peeling off your own hands

my love takes them
my love heals them
my love presses the wounds
my love
my love is the one who holds the knife

help me die,
sake of my LOVE!!!

CARVE THIS CIRCLE
CARVE THIS CIRCLE IN MY WRIST

CALL YOUR SPIRIT TO MINE
FLOW IN MY VEINS

TO BE YOURS,
YOURS TRULY!

…

carvings in skin last forever
carrying your affection
in my arms
my thighs
my wrists

Slice.
I get mad,
Slice.
I get frustrated,
Slice.
I get stressed,
Slice.
I get sad,
Slice.

All I do is slice.
all I can do is slice.
all I know is to slice.
all I want to do is slice.
all I love is to
Slice.

once you dig the razor in too deep
you know youve crossed a line
in more ways than one

physically;
youve cut deeper than
you ever have before

and then
mentally;
you cannot go back now

the red bead bracelet
is a bracelet i made myself,
with the razors of my pencil sharpeners,
the beads of blood covering my wrist,
the red blood being the sole reason
i dont show my wrists without being covered
by some sort of sweater or jacket
because if i don't
i get made fun of or questioned
i am asked, why?
why did i pierce my clean, ****** wrists
with driving razors through my skin
the answer is because
i wish i weren't here.
because i don't feel
loved enough to not do it
i am ill, yes, I know that by now,
my therapy sessions prove it
the calls up to the office prove it
me, a kid on suicide watch in my own home
prove it all.
i can hardly keep my door shut
without getting yelled at by my parents
i know i am ill
but i am not
the deranged monster i am made out to be
that is what the red bead bracelet is for.

Somethings are not as they seem

Pencils are used to hurt

Hands are used to distract

Scratching out unspoken words

Save me from this pitiful act

Screaming until I’m raw

“It's all in your head”

Crying hurts and breathing's hard

Constantly regretting the things I said

Lying awake until the sun rises

Failing grades  

Participation prizes

Painful methods  

Tried and true

But I just need control

I’ll come crying to you

Just one more day

Just one more cut

One last time

Blades turned blunt

The burning sensation on my wrists

The control I feel

The ignorant bliss

It only hurts when you stop

Stop and think

“Is this wrong”

It only hurts me

“Yes, I’m fine”

I can fix it

Give me more time

Time to think

Time to breathe

Time to stop

They tell me so

I shouldn’t have told them

I’m hurting them more

Now I’m on their minds

Collapsed on the floor

No more

No more  

No more

I beg and beg

Brain clouded with thoughts

“You deserve this”

I’ll just cover up the spots

Hiding the scars

Hiding from me

Band-aids and tissues

There's no breaking free

“I should have shut up”

“I should have talked more”

“You’re so pathetic”

“Such a bore”  

Leave me alone

I just want to sleep

Thinking of things

I’d rather not speak

I deserve this

Most have it worse

Screaming and screaming

My voice turns coarse

Cover up my arms

No one will know

I hide out in my room

This anger starts to overflow

Mad at myself  

Mad at the world

I hate my body

Eating until I hurled

I’m so tired

Everyone, everything

Left by myself

Left alone to think

Alone with my thoughts

“You only cause pain”

I can’t take it

I think I’m going insane

No matter what’s happening

Something drags me back

Back to the sadness  

Pounding until I crack

Snap

Oops there goes my head

Used to see black

Now I see red

No one knows what I do

Behind locked doors

Cutting and scrapping

Just one more

Can’t think no more

Can't do no more

Hahahaha

Laughing so I don’t cry

Bottom of the barrel

Just getting by

Stormy nights

Drown out the thoughts

Block out the noise

My stomach’s in knots

Just breathe

no one knows

Is that good or bad?

I feel hollow

Use me up

Take me now

I can’t live like this

But I chose this

I want to scream

Blood on the floor

But I chose this

Crying  

No more  

No more

But I chose this

Sobbing on the floor

But I choose this

There is no escape

Trapped in the dark

Lovely weather,

Isn’t it?

Reaching for anything sharp

Reaching for peace

Reaching for kindness

For something that’s not there

How could I have been so blinded?

Truth be told

The world still spins

But I remain frozen

Trapped in this skin

All skin and bones

“You’re so skinny”

“You’re so lucky”

So why don’t I feel pretty?

“Eat less”

“Eat more”

Conflicting voices

An internal war

Boom  

Goes the cannon

Snap

Goes my head

Cracking until I bled

Filling me with dread

Blurry vision

I can’t think straight

Can't focus

Watch your weight

Maybe I did like it better

Back when I was unhealthy

I was vomiting up my food

But at least I was pretty

Tiptoe down the stairs

Don't make a sound

They can’t know you’re hurting  

If you don’t tell them now

Blurry faces

Forgotten names

Splitting skull

Wrapped in chains

I can't do this anymore

I need someone

Someone to see

Someone to love  

Someone to hear my plea

But no one can help  

If I don’t tell them

I’ll go with the flow

Follow the algorithm

Nothing ever changes

No one ever sees

Pretty little head

Filled with worries

Snap

Oops

Now I’m gone

It’s too late

I wish I was never born

No more

No more  

No more