i relapsed
after months
it was one of the two
that i was bound to reach out to
things that would harm me
in separate ways
one; makes me physically bleed
the other; will leave long-lasting,
unseen damage on my brain
one; will silence my mental agony
the other; will only find ways
to make me feel worse..
one; will heal with time
the other; is a wound that
keeps on bleeding..
both are familiar ways
i used to cope with my pain
but only one of them is
going to take advantage
of my vulnerable state
so it will be you, Blade
and if it comes to it again
i will bleed it out
because that’s how i always coped
there is no other way
that can take away the ache
even for a little while, a moment
it stops my world from spinning
and everything goes silent
i’m calm and relaxed
or too numb to think
what i can’t explain?
is that i don’t feel things
the way normal people do
i don’t feel grief the normal way
it’s ten times the amount
and seeing everyone else
around me feeling okay
only makes me think that
i’m absorbing everyone’s heartache
it is too much to bear
in one heart
in one body
it ***** me into the dark
where nothing but suicidal thoughts
circle around in the back of my head
it makes me want to disappear
it makes me want to
wake up from this nightmare
there is no switch off
so don’t tell me to “just stop”.

i’ve cut my chest wide open
as if i could burst out of myself
and leave this body behind
the blood never bothers me
the pain, i barely feel
compared to the weight of
everything i’m carrying
on the inside
it rarely helps
it rarely subsides
the aching emptiness
is only one of the many symptoms
though it makes you wonder
how can something
that doesn’t exist
feel so heavy..