In my left ear,
Mozart on two times speed,
In my right,
The full Bible read in Chinese.
The strange writers in my mind,
Will take inspiration from anything.
So here is a sentiment in Chinese

Many people claim God isn’t real
yet continue to speak,
“If it is in God’s will.”

Many people claim God isn’t real
yet will pray,
“God have mercy.”

Many people claim God isn’t real
but continue to recite scripture
in His name.

I wonder if they do this on purpose,
or if part of them still believes.

Maybe religion treated them wrong,
gave them no alternative but to leave.

I don’t blame them.
It’s hard to feel alienated
in a supposedly
“open community.”

Or maybe they’re in denial,
afraid of a higher authority.
Perhaps they know they haven’t been good,
that deep down, they never fit
the Christian standard.

But as much as they say they don’t believe—

we will beg on our deathbed
to get into a heaven we do not believe in,
as we are all just contradictions within ourselves.

It might be regret,
survival,
logic.

But in those final minutes,
you’ll pray to a God you deny
because no matter how you try,
you cannot accept
your own nature

"Jesus, son of Stada, is the Jesus, son of Pandira?"

Rav Hisda said, "The husband was Stadia and the lover was Pandora. His name was Spartacus & her name was Pythia."

"But was not the husband Nicodemus, son of Socrates and the mother Juno?"

"No. His mother was Raet-Tawy, who let her hair grow long and was called Maccabees." Maacah says about her: "She was unfaithful to her husband."

"But what of the roots of his tree?"

"The fruit that you see be not enough?"

"What of that which still eludes me?"

Do you still wonder?

Friends go to church on Sundays and girl sleeps in.
Friends wear tiny little crosses on their necks and she wears nothing.
Friends believe in a divine, arbitrary, God and she believes in nothing.

“She is more of a scientific girl,” she says.
“God created the universe,” they say.
“The Big Bang created the universe.”
“Well, why did the Big Bang happen?” They ask.
“Scientists do not know but it is not because of a God,” she says.

Yes, she turns to science and friends turn to their tiny pretty cross necklaces.
She likes science because science is reliable. science is consistent, does not forget, does not lie, does not exile you for making one mistake.

Maybe that is why she does not believe.
Not because she thinks herself above them.

But because she is afraid.

“Do not fall for tricks of the devil,” they say but she has fallen for the snake's lies many of times and relished in it every. single. instance.

She is Eve and has taken from the poison tree again and again.
That is why she is afraid.
Because if Heaven is real then she would go to Hell.

“God is all forgiving,” they say.

Lies, Adam and Eve ended up lying in a pile of broken promises and death at the end, didn’t they?

If God was so forgiving, would he forgive her for having more sins than she does hairs on her head?
If God was so forgiving would he forgive her for losing faith?
If God was so loving then why would he curse her with this fate?

If God believed in love, why doesn’t he love her? Why does he not love me?

Am I even religious? I ask myself.
Am I spiritual? I ponder.
Feudal, socialist, capitalist, fascist?
Hmmm.
Am I more over here,
Or more over there?
What's my hereditary, what specific mix;
Where exactly am I from?
From where did my family come,
Where have we been?
What did we take part in?

It's interesting,
But where are we going?
What's the heading?

how long will you be blinded by glimpses of heaven
before you realize the tainted blood of your words?

are you there God?
I have a question to ask,
a request to pray,
so please don't leave-
why don't you stay?

am I living for you
or living for me?
and if I die today
is it for you or for me?

God, if you're there
hear my plea,
listen to my cries...
all day and all night
I pray for your hand in mine
and all I can manage to hold
is a gun, a pill, a rope.

God, are you even there?
did you do this to me?
or did my sins bring me here?

and will it be the Almighty who comes to save me
or the devil who leads me to his grave.

God if you're there
please don't leave just yet!
I have one more question to pray
one last thing to say,

if I die one day, if I finally do...

is it because of me or because of you?
do my sins cast me into the casket of fire
or do you rescue me like a savior.

God, I ask one just one more thing of you -
do you miss me as much as I miss you?
have you forgotten about me too?
or was I never meant for you...

He stands upon a stalk of grain,
Rested atop a leaf,
Balanced on the branch of a tree,
Nestled on the back of an amphibian
Four who salute longevity.

She comes as a breeze,
Graceful & gently.
As like spring blossoms
She extends an offering,
Ripe & sweet
Is the fruit of her peach.

Those given to fanfare of the stork;
Who hold nature, like the cosmos, sacred
And celebrate its different changes & forms.

I am a child of God.
I am human.
Made in 'His' image.

If this is true, than why go by 'she'?
Why am I confined to this body?
I wont change, for it is not my choice.
I have strayed. Led by a voice.

If I am 'His' child, than why
Why o Why God
Why have you placed me on this forsaken planet?

I wish to be with You.
I wish to be free.
Free at last.

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