I didn't lie to you
Everything I said was true
At least in that moment of time
I told you back then
Even if I believed in soulmates
I don't believe in only one
If I remember right
You agreed

Our feelings thrived through 5 years
When we didn't say a word to each other
That's definitely something special
And I'm not saying my feelings have changed
But my place in life has

Yes I'm polyamorous
But that's not why we didn't work
Sure, maybe I could've tried harder
But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe
Even though we weren't close
You needed me constantly
Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me

I'm not blaming you
I was there for you 1000% at first
Then I stopped trying so hard
You thought I was giving all my attention to her
She thought I was giving all my attention to you
I should've been giving more attention to me
Because life was killing me

Working full time
And trying to survive the semester
Now add that to the balancing of two relationships
Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde

Imagine trying to address
The intense emotions you had
Plus those of my ex
And those of my other partner
Let alone my own feelings throughout it all
That's a lot to handle
And yes I dug my own grave with it
But I figured it'd be worth it in the end

You seem to think that
I'm some unstable person who
Tears everyone down with me
But, even in these last few months
I've grown and changed so much
And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy

I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead
I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world
I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings
I finally feel comfortable being myself
Radical as **** but still sensitive
I can finally exist alone and at peace

As for believing in reconnection
It's not just 'us' involved anymore
That's where people seem to forget
Both you and my ex seem to expect
That I can't just make these decisions
Without thinking too much about the others

I understand why
You'd hope my present relationship will fail
But I've grown a lot as a person
I've learned more about myself
And what I want and need

With her there is no co-dependence
There's open communication
There's honesty and transparency
That doesn't mean it's 'better'
I am not degrading ours in any way
It does mean it's different though

So how can I reenter a relationship
That was definitely unhealthy in some ways
After realizing what healthy means?
Despite all of my love for you
Despite how much I care
We can't be more than friends right now
Because anything else would hurt us both

If our souls do meet in
Whatever world exists next
Then you can slap me silly
But right now this is what's best

What good are words
When these feelings consume me
There's never enough syllables
To spell out what my heart says

To love and be in love
Those phrases mean nothing
The letters construct a frame
For us to place our own meaning

If I tell you I'm sad
You do not feel my pain
But when I say that I love you
You feel what I'm saying

Language holds so much power
But it limits us too
When I can't place words to my thoughts
They become simply invisible

I'm like a curse
A walking parasite
Latching onto various people
Until it gets to be too much
And then I move on to the next

That's how they see me at least
They don't realize the humanity within me
They don't see the tears
The anger
The pain
When someone loses me
I lose them too
I don't just happily move on
I feel the searing sting
Tears burning scarred skin
Wishing I could be what they needed
But I never am

They say I don't know what love is
"If you love someone, you don't leave"
I hear you
But I disagree
You were hurting
And I was hurting
We both still feel that pain
But "us" is impossible
Regardless of feelings
Regardless of love
I'm learning to live for myself
So I can stop hurting those around me
Because you deserve better than that

You're right, I didn't try hard enough
But I was suffocating
And the distance didn't help at all
Yes you're unhappy now but
At least you have a chance to move on
I couldn't give you forever
I couldn't give you stability
I am unpredictable
"Curve *****" you called them
Fluid feelings aren't made for forever

Maybe I don't know what love is
Or maybe I express it differently
We were good once
And I'll hold on to those memories
But we're nothing but toxic now
And I don't know what to do with that

When we're together
There is no past
There is no future
It's just us
You and I
And our anarchist tendencies
Out radical minds working constantly
Trying to dismantle the systems that oppress us
While forced to work within them to survive

This feels unstoppable
We've been through some heavy stuff already
And I guarantee there will be more to face
With openness and honesty
We overcome the forces of life
And pave our own way through
Because even if we knew
What a future with free love looked like
We probably wouldn't follow it anyway

Every day is an experience
Challenging what I thought I knew about love
I'm slowly learning to love and trust myself
And I'm finally seeing what a healthy relationship looks like
What it feels like to love someone
To be in love with someone
Without the dependence and trust issues
I've become so accustomed to

This anxiety is excitement
The fear a reminder of my humanity
And although I hate the concept of forever
I hope you stay for a while

How can I tell you
That if it weren't for the distance
That I'd want to try again?
How can I tell you
That I still love you and I miss you
When I know you deserve better?
How do I sit with this feeling
Loving you so much but hurting still
Because I can't think of how it could work out?
You could do so much better
Without my complications in your life
Because part of me wants to try again
But the rest is afraid to know it could fail
I don't know how to tell you these things
Because I know it could make it worse
You're working on moving on
And I don't know what a poly future looks like
I can't make any promises
And I can't think of how we would be
Because distance is hard
And poly is hard
Love is hard
But is it worth it?

Simultaneously I experience love
Three sources
Not three divisions
My love for one
Cannot define or change
My love for the others
Endless
This love is fearless
Despite the terror I often feel
New territory brings out new emotions
But it's allowing me to grow as a person

When we are alone together
I feel this immense connection with you
Like our souls instantly unite upon contact
Feelings overwhelm every one of my senses
I'm not used to this much emotion
I sometimes can't believe it
We could talk for hours on end about
How the systems we live in ruin the world
Or we can lay in silence
Embracing each other and the moment
Either way I am beyond happy
Whether feeling suffocated by the state we live in
Or climbing through nature freely
I can't imagine this situation with anyone else
Because I love this
And I love you

Yes I hurt you
Yes I broke your heart
But I've been here since the end
I let you call me breaking down
Even though I was with my girlfriend
Simply because no one else would listen
And I ******* care about you

Yes I emailed you first
You chose to listen to others instead
And told me to move on
Two weeks pass
And you reach out to me
You want me back
But I had my closure
and started exploring new options

Yes I'm polyamorous
And it's been the best realization of my life
But to you I'm just selfish
I can't commit
Just because I can't be your property anymore
You even said you'd try it with me
Then turned around and called it debauchery

Yes I've made mistakes
I'm only human
And I'm growing every day
I am becoming a better person
But how can I keep moving forward
With you constantly tearing apart my soul?

Yes I say your words don't hurt
But I ******* love you
So they brand pain into my entire existence
And keep hurting both myself
And my beautiful new relationship
Because I'm putting all my energy into you

And yes I let it keep happening
But not anymore
I told your dad you tried to OD
I may have saved your ******* life
But all I did was ruin you right?
I tore you down and broke your hopes and dreams?
Tell me how, when I've been here the whole time
I have been supporting you in
Whatever you want to do with your life
I've been validating your feelings and
Trying to be there for you to talk
Because no one else was listening
But I'm just a piece of trash right?

No
I won't let you lead my life anymore
No
You don't get to steal my happiness
No
I will not let you hurt my relationship
No
I may have made mistakes but I'm not entirely bad
No
You do NOT get to take your anger out on me
Not anymore
I'm done
I'm out

Enjoy your life now
Because I'm done being the reason you hate it
You made your own choices
And you don't get to take that out on me
Not anymore
I'm done.

I'm not sure I'm ready to lose the love I feel now
But I don't know if I can let go of you either
I wish we could compromise
I wish it wasn't all or nothing for you

Even if I left them
You and I would have to start over
Are you ready for that?
Am I?
Can I guarantee monogamy forever
Or will it all fall away again?

No matter how much I feel
And how happy I am with someone
There's always someone else
That catches my eye too
And that doesn't discredit my feelings for you
Because I know those haven't changed
Love is complicated
And having it for more than one
Makes my life a bit of a mess
Especially to those who don't understand it
Even though I don't completely either
But my feelings for you
And my feelings for her
Are not mutually exclusive
My love for you does not die
Simply because I develop a crush on someone else
Even if it turns to love as well
It does not extinguish our flame