It's the waiting...
chest still heaving
heart still beating waiting
the long, hot days spent in stress
and even longer nights
and the choosing...
to live in it
the pulse causing goosebumps on dry skin
the sigh giving way to sobs and fright
caught up quickly once in sight
of that little person watching cartoons.
It's the feeling...
every breath and beat and pulled heart string
every guilty shuffle
every fluttered eye
feeling the wind like a knife in my back...
the weight of the dishes and laundry stacked

and the air in here gets thick
with children running and screaming and needing

and I
just keep breathing.
Taking one breath,
one step,
one thought,
just being.

नन्हे कदमों से जब तू मेरे जीवन में आई
मेरे आँगन की हर कली मुस्कुराई
जब तूने माँ कह के पहली बार पुकारा था
वो हसीन पल भूल जाऊँ कैसे ?

तेरी किलकारी से गूँज उठा मेरा जीवन
तेरे नर्म हाथों का स्पर्श, तेरी चंचल चितवन
रातों को जाग के जब तुझे सुलाया था
वो लोरी अब दोहराऊं कैसे ?

तेरी आँखों में ख़्वाब सजने लगे थे
भरने को उड़ान पंख बढ़ने लगे थे
तुझे ऊँचा उड़ता देख जब मन हर्षाया था
वो खुशी सबको दिखाऊँ कैसे ?

काम में जब जब तू मेरा हाथ बटाती
मेरी खुशियाँ दोगुनी हो जातीं
जब बना कर हलवा तूने पहली बार खिलाया था
वो क्षण आँखों हटाऊँ कैसे ?

एक दिन तुझे डोली में बैठ अपने घर जाना है
अपनी नयी दुनिया, नया संसार बसाना है
ये ख़याल जब जब मन में आया था
उन सिसकियों की आवाज़ छुपाऊँ कैसे ?

आज तू घर से निकल कर जाती है
मेरा चैन, मेरी नींद मानो उड़ जाती है
पढ़ती हूँ खबरें अख़बारों में
डरता है दिल, रूह काँप जाती है
एक ओर देवी की पूजा करते हैं लोग
और वहीं एक नारी की इज़्ज़त हरते हैं लोग
सबकी आँखों में बसी दरिंदगी मिटाऊँ कैसे ?
बे-रहम इस दुनिया से तुझे दूर ले जाऊँ कैसे ?
हर माँ का दिल रो रो के कहता है
अपनी लाडो की लाज बचाऊँ कैसे ?
ये दुःख, ये पीड़ा ज़ुबाँ तक लाऊँ कैसे ?

I had horrible dreams of her last night

of a Mother red haired with soft hands and fine skin that demand

her two boys' respect or the cunning not to be caught in contempt

of her as she doesn't mind burying her head in the sand

if they kiss her before she slips under her dune comforter and sleeps

for a selfish safe-keeping with a smile but is the kind of lady

who pins her lip corners on her cork board cheeks daily like a cast list

while she cooks turkey for all cleaning the wishbones before her plate

to use as window-sill ornaments until her kids come home so they might fly

or at least not to waste the magic on herself but they hide blocks away

in the parking lot shadow of the auto-repair shop's spinning sign

from the Sun and sky

Place my hand over your stomach
Your entire torso really
Just craving some physical contact

I walked along the beach in the middle of the night
My psychosis claimed me
And I became a slave to the sand behind my feet
The current running underneath
You snored along, absently
Alcohol ate you alive
And I survived

I survived

I just want to cover each grain of sand
With a tear drop
A broken heart for all the millions that scatter the earth
I don't want to sob
I want to release
A demon that's been eating at the inside of me
And then I want to laugh
I want to run
I want to fall out of breath and collapse to the ground
I want to dig and find something so remarkable
I combust at the sight
A million pieces
Becoming the sand
Cursed

I want to be nothing like my mother
And if that offends any of my followers
I am sorry
Maybe after the 4th kid
And nearly 20 years between
You stop giving a ****
But all I know
Is I have seen
The tenderness,
The sincerity,
And most delusional moments
All radiate
From the same bright blue green eyes
Frightening, spraying spit all over my face
And sadness seeped in and devoured me
I spill tears (years) as I'm writing
I was left all over
So much hate

Sometimes when I write I try to be dishonest but
What's the point when you can hear me in the next room
I wish I was someone you were proud of
I know I'm just a recluse, but
I'll raise my baby different from you


Most times when I want to hide
It's when you're showing me the most poignant parts of me
I can hear your grandson snoring

I love his sense of sleep

Do you want to keep your tears?
No, I want them all out.
I'll keep them for you*

~Love

Dear Precious,

Mommy loves you.

You are the complete adoration of my selfless soul. What joy and learning experience it will be to watch you grow!

You aren't even here yet, but I know you are patiently waiting to come through. Funny thing you may want to know; your mommy is patiently waiting too!

I pray to God He gives me the tools I need to be the perfect mother. That I can truly provide you with the world you deserve, and to make you the greatest King or Queen you were born to be.

I will teach you about loss and I will teach you about love. I will show you the beauty in lillies and the purity of a dove. I will introduce you to adventures and the rising of the sun, and I will teach you how to capture fire flies when the day is done.

I will do my best to help you understand pain, and show you that even a rainbow cannot exist without rain. You will know the gift of a father and will know the love of a much higher power.

My precious soul child you, I will do everything in my power to love, honor, and rightfully protect you. So do not be afraid to come down to this silly earth, there is far too much to see.  Come down for a visit and be with me.

You will understand one day what it is to be in my shoes, and I will always be at your side, whether in physical or spiritual form, to guide you.

My precious soul child wherever you may be, I will always be waiting.

Love You Forever,
Mom