What do I do now? I don't even want to think about it, think about
How my life is splitting apart at the seams and all of my panicked
Outcries are doing nothing to stop it.

Amazing, I think, that I've lasted as long as I have.
Maybe this is for the better?

I tell myself, but it tastes like a lie in my mouth.

If I cease to be Caligula, what do I have left
For myself. I am nothing, nothing!

Nobody truly understands that I am losing everything and am
Out of my mind with pain and fury. I can't stop
Thinking, why me? Why is it always me?

Can't I have good luck just one time? I'm not
Asking for much. I'm scared, no, terrified that my
Life is ending quicker than I ever anticipated. I wanted to die
Grandly, in a wild blaze of glory. Not with my whole life
Upturned, sinking slowly, suffering wildly,
Losing what I worked so hard to achieve,
And wishing I could go back and be great one more time.

Ink, spreading through my soul, my life, as I scribble endlessly:

Don't tell me this is normal, having two
Opposite sides of myself.
Never understanding how I can believe
Two opposing things at the same time.

Kindness always, but I long to be cruel. Love, but sometimes I
Need to hate, to feel the fire burning in my soul. The
Origin of this duality remains unknown, regardless of
What intense measures I have taken to try to understand myself.

Why am I so split? Why do I feel like I
Have to mask constantly to hide my dark side, to pretend like I'm
Only strange, not truly crazy.

I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me.

Am I falling deeper and deeper into
Madness every day?

Ask anyone: I'm "too nice". I'm sweet and enthusiastic and
Naive. But that is only one part of me. Nobody knows that every
Year I am forced to question if I am truly as good as the
Mask I put on. Yes, I am good. But I am also evil. My mind is an
Ocean, both life and death all at once. Am I just overthinking? Will I
Regret all of this worry, or regret that I didn't
Enlighten myself to the wonders and horrors of my mind sooner?

Halloween is here again
I used to love it so
But, now when it's shell out time
My face I do not show

I hide down in the basement
No light will people see
"No Candy Here" upon the door
There's nothing here from me

Ghosts and Ghouls and Spirits
Up my street they creep
But, I see them nightly
When I try to sleep

Four faces of four children
Out to trick or treat
Run down by a drunk driver
While trick or treating on my street

Seven children run down
Time....eight seventeen
Three were injured, four were killed
On that horrific Halloween

Each day for me is Halloween
Each day I hear them screaming
The worst part is that I'm awake
I don't hear them when I'm dreaming

Two who died, I knew them well
Dressed as cowboys on that night
Now they're gone, to ride the range
Their souls have taken flight

The street was closed for near two days
There were many questions asked
And in the end, nothing has changed
The answers hidden by a mask

The driver, he was plastered,
Didn't know what day it was
He's out now, paid his penance
I hope he feels a sense of loss

Myself, I cannot bear it
Every year I stay inside
I see those faces on new children
So, in my basement I will hide

No Candy Here, I'm sad to say
It hurts as much today
I still grieve for those poor children
In my own, respectful way

Standing in the middle of nowhere
I remember that at the end of this dusty road, there are poor lights flickering
resembles my insides because of old times
(Oh! why is it still lingering?)
Spelling 'I knew it! They're lying!'
Using cryptograms as dancing lights to disguise the warning

And now i'm back in this alley
When did these things started bleeding the royal color?
backwards, i'm walking in roses and rubies and crimson reds from myself and really?
what's with these shattered glasses?
I think it's lousy to hide the lilacs and blue tulips within

Violets and blues are not blurring my views
It's like the red and green of my worlds i made up for years
these places are soft like the grasses where you lay down after a pouring rain
and a pavement where you sit after the april sun shines on it
I'm lost in the the way it could go back and forth

And behind these places is where i'm really a part of
is a fever dream even with the daylights on
A forest that is made with hollywood signs
Hazy, defeaning, pretentious but real
A storm in mid-september that is going on for years

Weak is my will
Missing is my skill
Aim not straight enough to ****

I'm a wounded animal with a dangerous bite
No where to hide I must fight
Backed into a corner, what a sight

Better watch out I've gone feral, I've gone madd
I've lost what little sanity I had
To the marrow, to the core, my souls gone bad

Talking to a God that's gone MIA
He never listened anyway
That why I stoped, now I never pray

Been driven over the edge with all the pain
Now agony is what reigns
I'm tired of this ****** up game

I'm sick of a life that fosters
Only Demons in my roster
With my mask, I feel like an impostor

So this skin I'm gonna slice right through
I'll pay my dues
I'll leave a blood stained hue

Then I'll slink back from where I came
Heaven or Hell it's all the same
They both play the same vicious game