now you're a memory, desperately trying to be forgotten. the sad truth is that memories don't just 'fade away'. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get you out of my head and the memories we once shared. God, I loved you so much.

There is no skill in feeling.
Deeply and widely
empty holes of upturned ground
boats at the floor of the sea
mountain peaks and sunshine, impossible sunshine
There is no skill in feeling.

I have felt hurricanes and drowning floods.
Disasters that have shaken bones and frozen veins,
yet
there is a hollowness to the knowing and being and–
being.

With you, I feel the white and gleaming opalescence of stars
bathing in the blue of a waning, navy sky.
I have felt whole.
For once, a beaming speckle in a sea of others
brighter and more beautiful
and I have felt the vastness of everything and not cared.
The world could open up and swallow everything
I might be a dandelion in a garden of daisies
I might be sand between toes, washed away in the fresh water of a summer day
but I have seen days with you…

One day I might cease to make new memories.
but I have felt peace with my heart
and I know what it means to feel deeply
to live unapologetically.

But the host within my head has not felt that.
she likes to bar the windows,
set chairs against door handles
lock me inside.
To feel is not a skill.
to feel– to let go

Sometimes I forget to be.
I forget days like the stars to morning,
Gardens like flowers to ice and sleet,
sometimes I am overcome by the vastness of everything

But I have seen days with you.
and one day, I want to just be.
A speckle of light in the vastness of everything.

I’ve always had a hard time letting go
I grab and grasp
shoving things into my oversized heart
Stuffed animals and old friends
Children’s books and unrequited crushes
Dead dogs and old drawings
Ignoring the pain I know this attachment will bring
Some part of me knows:
I’ll never see my camp friends again
I’ll never date the person I like
I’ll never love these books as much as I did
I’ll never get my dogs back by holding on
But the rest of me, desperately
grasps and holds, crying out that
“If you hold on, they can’t leave!
It will be normal again.”
but that’s wrong
as my best friend pointed out last night
(even though she just meant it for one thing, she was still right)
nothing can be normal again,
after decisions I’ve made,
things that have happened
even if I try
So instead, I’ll try to take her advice
I’ll let go
It’s hard to abandon the people and things
you once loved so dearly
but holding on this long has only brought pain
so, finally
I’m letting go

my memories of you are cumulonimbus
i want to break the sky open and
make it sink into the ground
because all i ever see
is your face in the
clouds