a slight inkling still remains
in my mind that i can't shift.
i still wish i could be her.
the jealousy can't fade when i
grasp to it with clenched fists

What's the matter with me lately?
I've a feeling I'm no good no more
Should I have a system check
Possibly get the upgrade three point four?

Problem is my hardware is outdated
Not sure what support I can expect
The new software won't install
We're incompatible I suspect.

Time comes and you begin to think
This has truly lost its fun
Now I must watch you from the corner here
How you carry on with a new honey bun.

I cannot explain all the pathetic measures
my eyes will take to avoid your gaze,
all the paths my legs will journey to avoid bumping into you on my way home.
All the ways I knead my hands to the bone and all the toothpick excuses skewering my tongue.
And I cannot explain the way your presence deflates something inside my chest.
I don't know what to do with all that empty space. It echoes.
I fill it with the thimble's worth of pride that I scrape together,
every meager flake of validation I pick from the floor. I shovel slopping handfuls of sawdust
to try and soak up some of the shadows
but everything dissolves in that oily void, green and hideous.
God, it echoes, and everyone hears it.
I muffle it with my radio silence.
I look at you and I see everything I hate about myself
under a microscope.
Every blemish, every scar, every gaping hole
that you lack.
Stop, look. Here. Wrong.
Hear?
I blind myself with radio silence.
I don’t know how to live with an eternal reminder that I am incomplete.
You, and the place you hollowed without even knowing it.
Green and monstrous.
It echoes and everyone hears it.
I love you, but I cannot explain my radio silence.

claiming to possess a “non existent” flick which “supposedly” documents “an affair that never was”,  you lit that strike anywhere match.

soon, all of rome was burning🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

darling grace, did you stop for a moment to wonder how a meandering earthly river could physically touch the infallible sky?  

things swing from unconditional love to bitter hate.  anger, angst and heartache replace joy, banter and sizzling moments of wanton love making.

at a distance, i see the setting orange sun behind the arches of the golden gate.


the space between us
no bridge can ever connect ~~
as memories fade


© 2021

I’m not sure that I know what jealousy feels like.

I’ve heard tales of it.

Of green cheeks and envious eyes and pounding hearts.

And while my heart beats in my chest like a snare drum,
I don’t believe that it’s out of envy.

I’ve little care for your other loves
Or other bodies.
For all that matters to me
Is when your head
Is on my chest.

I don’t believe I’ve felt jealousy.

Fear,

On the other hand,

Is a strong possibility.

Selfishness only breeds jealousy
is a phrase I have repeated
hundreds,
perhaps,
thousands
of times.

It is like medicine.
In a bout of melancholy,
I simply must repeat this phrase
a few dozen times,
and I am okay,
in fact,
maybe I am better than okay.

When exactly shall I learn
that I do not need to be a part of
anything?
I can do an act purely for the sake of the act itself.
There is no need for self gratification.
Surely, there are others who have
lived selflessly before.
Then what is my excuse?

Under my breath,
I mutter once again,
Selfishness only breeds jealousy,
ahh...
It doesn't really help, does it?