Everything was so horrible
That words stood beside me and gaped
At a life so cruel.

i look out into dark, savoring the quiet, the stillness of new dawn, wondering who die today, whose life will end and whose will change forever, sending a shock of wave of pain and grief from an epicenter of a dead soldier

who will die today, whose mother wife daughter will cry today, whose father son brother will fall today

the sun has risen, reality has set in, its time to ride, its time for some to die, we roll the dice, who will land snake eyes

to sit in the humvee, knowing you are playing russian roulette, you can’t  have hope, no inkling of a dream, lose the desire, it is the only way to survive, knowing you may die, give up all hope, consider yourself dead, be grateful at the end of the day when you are not. the drive down suicide alley, like the walk up gallow’s stairs. now i know how they felt. you surrender to fate. you stop thinking, you stop feeling, you go numb.

no longer in control, my life is no longer mine to live or die

i don’t believe in You, not since i was a boy, but i pray, that if we hit an IED, that i die instantaneously. i don’t want to lay on the ground, feeling the horror of dying, crying that i want to live, screaming out for my mother like i’ve seen happen to other guys

there are things worse than death, the living hell of coming home in pieces, physically damaged, emotionally traumatized, spiritually disillusioned, which slowly erodes and destroys your life. a new war, another battle, this time at home, fought in your head. the cycle of trauma 6-9-12, addiction, depression, how long do you let yourself free fall till you hit rock bottom

i am a man, i am not suppose to be afraid, but i am, i can’t show or say, not to them, especially not to you. i am not allowed to show fear, be vulnerable, you will lose respect, stop loving me, tell me to man up, in some subtle way

when everyone has left, everything lost, when the pain is greater than the fear. you must, you will, reach out, or die in combat, killed in action, in the war fought in your mind.

i am tired of fighting, i am too old, i’ve seen too much

i am throwing down my weapon, i surrender, **** me if you must have blood

i don’t care anymore, i don’t remember what i am fighting for, i just want to go home.

put this war behind me, live to love, not to ****, not to die, for what purpose, for what god.

who will commemorate our battles, and those who have died just yesterday

who will remember our names, aspiration, dreams once we are dead

we are disposable, born to ****, then die, who cares, why care, we served your purpose

we are the pawns, expected to die for the greater good that we can not have

look at your lives, was it worth it, how do you honor Them, those who died, so you can live

She wrote to her husband
Her husband was a sergeant

At the military of the greatest force
His president announced and insisted

That the president of Iraq gained
Nuclear and chemicals at his force

That was a reason to spread devil
All surroundings, all neighbors
So they must go to clear that sand

From every worst flying at all
Weather causing threading of any development
Causing threading to his neighbor
Especially his relative Israel
She sits at the heart setting

And the gulf countries which export oil
And give money if he wanted
According to his service and his guard

They obeyed him as they were feared
Of losing their thrones and also was feared
Of threatening of their worst neighbor

They paid every cost of that military job
He persuaded the public of his want
To destroy the army of Iraq force
To establish peace and democracy plans

And make Iraq advanced as they are
To get his dream achieved
Her husband was so honest
And believed in everything that president said

The army forces flew and took every weapon
They went also by sea ships
To achieve victory over that vain

They fought and made tricked
They used bad and evil plan
The wife wrote that letter”

Oh! Lover
I saw you there
Wide, wide of my look

But you are nearest of my heart
That I saw you are the greatest hero
But I doubt when I saw sad

Cover every face of Iraq people
, the difference appeared between communities
That made me happy for our nation

Want to establish the happy all over the world
But when I saw the statue of Iraq president fallen
The wealth and ancient ruins were stolen

, the oil must be exported
, their author would become according to desire
Of political author of our land
, the poor covered all weather

After they were the richest people
And the hanging of Iraq president
To be sacrifice on the Muslim's feast

As the Muslims do on feast
They sacrificed with cows or sheep
For helping poor for their God

The message sent to all of them
You have no price
, you have no aim to look up

Obey our want
Or you will be killed
Even you are very important!

My lover! Come please
We will not share that war
It is obvious bad at all

It is for money and humbled others
To do what we want without opposed
The God doesn't order that

Jesus said in his order
Spread the love all over the world
Make the peace your symbol

Islam religion in his greeting
Peace upon you when one passed
He invited you to get food

We rewarded him by killing
God does not satisfy with that
Jesus hates the blood bleeding
My lover! Return, we will build

A palace near an ocean
We will fish and hunt
Live as our god giving  
Or we will cultivate land

The plants will grow green as your eyes
The wheat sticks are yellow as your hair
Flowing the wind as my hair
Return to complain our problems

To union in one bodies
I will make you my angel
Flying in sky, dreaming with kind
Making you forgotten yourself
And getting me forgetting myself

We will unites at one body
One heart, one mind
Return soon, I will not complain
I will be your honey you want"

She closed the letter with beauty kissing
She sent him with great longing
She waited a lot but with astonishing

Her letter returned without answering
She knew that he would come
So, he didn't receive that mailing

On the day they were telling
She waited at airport for receipting
All right solders ascended

Then, the wounded were carrying
She ran to his boss
She found coffin were downing

She looked to his boss,
Who covered his face with crying
She felt overwhelming
When she was up,

She cried," why my God
You take my love
and let who made it?




-

I start having nightmares before the beginning of any war.
During my sleep, I remember my sisters and brothers,
who played, smiled, loved, and were loved before.
I remembered my mother and the rest of the mothers.

During my sleep, I thought of my school,
the kindergarten and the friends of my niece.
I thought of my swing, my toys and the big pool.
I realized I would miss living free in peace!

The war waged, and I saw what no one has seen.
In front of me, they got ready for the battle.
They brought tanks, guns and an F16.
With hate, they were rushing just like a cattle.

Guns made in East and West pointed at me.
I saw no birds, but warplanes flying over the skies,
bombing, not caring about a he or a she.
I saw blood, felt sorrow and heard cries.

They destroyed my family home,
burnt my books and broke my pen.
They murdered my brother’s spouse,
and threatened to **** me again and again.

Black smokes surrounded me from everywhere.
Big explosions hitting here and there sounded.
Toys broken on the ground, balloons flying in air.
Despair spread, fear planted, hatred rounded.

Despite the war, I raised my hands and prayed,
that I get back to my home where I played,
that peace come and never be delayed,
and that my freedom will never ever fade!

Mohammed Arafat

15-01-2019