giving up on this life, eating less food i'm going on strike. i hold the knife, i want to take my life. the cuts on my wrists don't hurt no more, but they start to when my mom opens the door. i **** in my stomach so that nobody sees, leave me alone, please. my heart has stopped pumping, stopped thumping, blood is clumping and i can't do this anymore. losing hope, i don't want to cope, wash my mouth with soap because i told you way too much. my teeth are rotting, my vision is spotting, no bunny is hopping and the world just isn't the same anymore. i don't trust you after you pushed me to the floor. but every single time, i come begging, begging for more, knocking on your door, asking your mom if you can play. i'm no longer welcome with my friends, i can't seem to follow the trends. i'm giving up, tbh.

I’m scared that if I sleep too much
I won’t want to wake again.
Like my book will be finished
If for a second, I set down the pen

I’m tired, yet I don’t sleep
My eye lids like a weighted blanket
As I live life half awake
While dreaming of a casket

I’m scared of sleeping too much
Scared of losing time
Or of being awake for too long
And instead losing my mind

So, yes, I’m afraid of sleep
Of what affect it would make
Afraid I’ll lose the will to live
And lose my will to wake

But how do I differentiate  
Between too much and just enough
And how do I say I’m doing fine
Without ending in a bluff

I have so little fight left in me
And so, I’m terrified
That if I’m offered a safe place
I’ll never cease to hide

i wish to be a bubble
light and shiny
floating and soaring through the sky.


i wish to rest upon the clouds
oh for i could finally rest myself
lay there
and be transparent
let light shine through me
absorb me
engulf every cranny of my being
air pick me up
and drop my body
let it drop from thousands of feet
and shatter upon impact.


i want to be weightless
let go of myself and let myself be taken
by everyone everything every breath
swayed and pushed
flying to nowhere
somewhere
anywhere.


but to be a bubble
is as feasible as any other dream
for when i wake up
the clouds will fall
rain on me
and the bubble pops.


the brick didn’t shatter
so i tape the pieces that strayed away
and i’m back to walking
down the same road
to anywhere,

somewhere,



nowhere.

hello, old soul
it's nice to see
you again

did you come to
haunt me, and
remind me of my
sins?

it's funny how i
keep focusing on
the past,

and here you show
up, maker of the dead.

will there be a truce
to this test?

or is violence the answer,
and this is the end?

self-inflicted and
brought closer to
god

wrong heaven,
a quick detour
with no regard

barreling faster
towards the gates
of hell,

asking,
'what have i done?'
as i'm put in a mental cell.